Wilted

See that bright, yellow flower? It is not obvious from my lousy photo, but it is droopy and wilted. Last night, it was fine, a pretty little puffball of a flower standing tall and proud and strong in its turquoise bottle; this morning, it is wilted and sad.

When I walked into my kitchen early this morning and noticed it as I was brewing my coffee, I thought, “That flower is how I have been feeling the last few days.” Droopy. Wilted.

Halfway into week 4 of being cut off from life, I feel wilted, like that flower that was swiftly snipped from its life-sustaining plant and stuck in a bottle.

Even though it is slouchy, that flower is still hanging onto its cheerful yellow color. Last week, I wrote about bringing sunshine to my life. I am still trying to do that. I am trying to hold on to being like that perky flower. But I’m not going to lie, most days, it is a very real struggle to do that. This season of life is a struggle. It feels like this will never end, like things will never be normal again. It does help to remind myself of how much worse things could be for me and my family, but the struggle is still real, and I strive every day to find ways to keep my anxiety and fears at bay. To be strong in the bottle I am forced into right now.

I am giving my all to:

*adjusting to this new slow, weird pace of life

*being good to myself

*keeping it all together at home

*doing my “work” work

*focusing on every little thing I can that reminds me life is still good, even if it is turned upside down and sideways and inside out right now

*being okay with feeling slouchy some days

*not freaking out because it is allergy season and I’ve had a sore throat and mild headache for 5 days

*keeping my sanity intact in the face of news that becomes more dire each day

And it does become more dire each day. This time last week, there were slightly more than 3,000 deaths nationwide. Right now, it is nearing 13,000. This time a month ago, there were 11.

I simply canNOT wrap my head around this. I wake up each day thinking it is not real. How can this be real in 2020?? Some days, it gets the best of me. On those days, I feel weary and wilted. Not like I am standing tall and strong at all.

Speaking of focusing on little things: I tossed the droopy flower in the trash, and when the coffee was finished, I took my steaming mug out the porch. As I settled into my chair, I closed my eyes, breathed in the coffee and the fresh, damp air. I opened my eyes and noticed these tulips blooming.

Sunny, yellow, not wilted. Yesterday, they were not in bloom, and this morning, they are. They picked the perfect day to show their pretty faces, and they made me smile. One day these cheerful tulips will also wilt and fade away, but I am not going to let that stop me from enjoying them right now. It is warm today, and tomorrow, it will be cold again, so I am going to make the most of the day, whatever it brings. I will look for ways to drink some life into my being like flowers cut from their plants drink water through their stems to keep them from wilting.

Today, I am thankful for these blooming tulips. They inspired me to write this post because I know I want to remember all of this. I want to remember the spring morning I woke up feeling wilted and sad, and within the space of a few minutes, I felt hopeful because not even a pandemic can stop spring.

Here Comes the Sun

It feels like years since it's been here.

The sun really WAS here today. Yahoo and thank goodness because it has been MIA in my part of the world.

I really think this self-isolation thing would be much easier to deal with and get through if we didn’t have day after day after day of cold, rain, fog and gray skies. Muddling through March is typical for me; it’s my least favorite month of the year. I often find myself grumpy in March as winter doesn’t seem to want to let spring take hold and by March, I am done with winter. But it has been especially challenging this year after spending most of it cooped up and fearful because of the coronavirus. I am trying to balance my feelings of fear and uncertainty with knowing that it is important to remain as positive as I can. I am trying to balance my need to write ALL the things that are happening while also having a hard time writing anything at all when life as I, and we all, know it has changed so drastically and suddenly.  

I am at the beginning of my third week working from home, day 17 of self-isolation, and this past week was a bit easier than the first week. I am getting into somewhat of a groove, which is good since I have no idea how long this will last, and the cases are increasing daily in the St. Louis area. My main goal this past week was to put on makeup and wear real clothes. And by real clothes, I mean my nicer leggings and sweaters vs. the leggings I sleep in and hoodies. I didn’t meet my goal every day, but the first week, I barely got out of my pajamas and hoodies, so anything was an improvement. I still had some bad moments and days with messy mixed up emotions and varying degrees of anxiety, but not as many as I had that first week. I am trying to be more mindful about doing positive things to take my mind off the fear I feel a great deal of the time. Thank goodness for the internet as I have found some great ideas that I hope will help me keep my sanity through this.

My biggest inspiration this past week is a gal I follow on Instagram, an American living in Northern Italy, who has been quarantined with her family for 22 days. Counting social isolation, they have been pretty much locked down for about 6 weeks. She and her husband have two young children, and she posts a short video each day of what life is like for her family. In each video, she mentions her family’s theme for that day—a word or phrase they focus on. I love that, and I made my own list of “theme of the day” ideas along with ways I can incorporate them into my life. 

The first word I chose is sunshine, and I have focused on that one word for the last week. Since sunshine is scarce right now, I thought about ways I can bring the spirit of sunshine into these dreary, depressing days. I have surrounded myself with all things yellow and sunny, and I am impressed with my sunshine-making skills. 😊

 *On the dreariest of days, I keep candles lit throughout my house, especially near the workstation I have set up on my kitchen table. Some are fake battery-operated candles, but I also have several of my favorite Glade Sunny Days candle. And, I am so happy that I bought this cheerful yellow gingham tablecloth before all life went crazy. 

*I bought this spring-y bouquet of flowers at the grocery store. I couldn’t resist once I saw the display of them with this little sign. 

*I spent over an hour digging through tubs in the basement to find this wreath that just screams “SPRING is HERE!” to me, even when spring is not really here. My mother in law bought it for me a few years ago, and I love it. 

*Back in the fall, I bought some earrings from a jewelry party my sister had because they reminded me of a sunburst. Even though I rarely leave my house, I have been wearing these earrings, along with my fancy leggings, almost every day. 

*I have been playing with homemade lemon lavender scented play doh. That I made myself. 😊 Squishing it around helps me stay calm when I am watching the news and it smells good, too.

*One day this week, Lauren and I went for a drive during a cold rainstorm to look for forsythia bushes. I love forsythia. They signal the beginning of spring for me since they are usually blooming at a time when everything else is still brown and gray. 

*More time at home means more time to cook. And eat all the comfort foods. I do make healthy meals most of the time, but is there anything sunnier than lemon bars? 

*Over the past year of dealing with anxiety, I have found that music is something I really enjoy, that helps me stay calm. I love my Amazon Prime Music subscription and my Echo because I can play any music I want by simply saying, “Alexa, play (whatever it is I feel like listening to at the time).” Breezy Summer Classics is my current favorite station, and I listen to at some point every day.

*Even though it is not sandal season yet, I gave myself a pedicure and painted my toenails bright orange. I don’t typically paint my fingernails, but I painted them orange, too.

*On a trip to the store yesterday, I couldn’t resist these yellow and orange pansies. I don’t usually plant pansies because they aren’t heat tolerant. And I don’t usually plant flowers in March. But I figured if I am spending so much time at home, sitting and reading on my porch, I need some flowers to brighten things up. They look rather wimpy now, but hopefully they will soon be lush and vibrant.

*I always love watching the sunrise and sunset. I have a great view of the sunrise from my kitchen and the sunset from my front porch. Yesterday, the weather was fantastic—warm and breezy, even if it wasn’t sunny. I happened to glance out the front window and saw a glorious sunset. I grabbed a glass of wine, headed to the porch and sat watching it change for about 20 minutes. 

*Something else I saw on Instagram last week inspired me to do some chalk art on the cul de sac in front of my house. Let me tell ya—for this old, out of shape person, it was a great workout for my legs and butt. I plan on going out every couple of days to do new art, as long as it isn’t raining, but it might be a couple of days before I am able to walk again. It was so much fun.  

  

It’s been a scary week, and I fear it’s going to get scarier. This time last week, there were 271 deaths from COVID 19. Last night, there were 1,500+, and tonight, there are 135,000 cases in America with more than 2,400 deaths. I’m trying not to freak out, but I can’t help wondering how much worse it will be this time next week. Until then, I am going to do my best to stay calm when I can. I’m going to keep on looking for little moments of sunshine, even if they are scarce.

Both/And

My last post was a real downer. I know that. I flip flop so many times a day between thinking everything is going to be terrible/everything is going to work out in the end that I feel like a world class gymnast. 

And I am now okay with that. I know I am not the only one who is struggling right now. Everything has happened so fast with barely time to process the news as it changes each day. Each hour. 

I am writing late in the afternoon on Sunday and this time a week ago, I was completely oblivious to what was coming, finishing laundry and the food prep I usually do on Sunday afternoon, when I got a text from my boss saying that schools were closed and we were all going to work from home until April 6. For me, that is when this became so real, and I had a difficult week. It didn’t help that we literally had not so much as one ray of sunshine all week, which just sealed my gloomy mood. All week, I mulled over what to write here, how to document this, because I knew that I wanted to, was going to, and I decided that I am not going to pretend that I am doing just swell when I know that I am not. That is NOT going to be easy for me as I often try to sugar coat things while looking at them through my rose-colored glasses. 

That said, this post is going to be more positive. I’m not quite donning my Miss Susie Sunshine hat just yet, but my mood is slightly more upbeat as I head into my second week of social distancing.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who is a therapist posted a link on Facebook to an article titled “Therapist’s Guide to Staying Sane During a Pandemic: You can let anxiety consume you, or you can feel the fear and also find joy in ordinary life, even now.” Of course, since I wasn’t feeling particularly sane at that moment and since my anxiety has been taking all of my energy to handle the past week or so, I clicked on it immediately because it reminded me of my dancing in the rain mantra.

It was just what I needed to read. The author wrote about a concept she often shares with her clients—the concept of both & and. She says, “It’s horrible, AND we can allow our souls to breathe.” And this: "We need to allow ourselves to feel the anxiety, but we also need to give ourselves space to let it go.” 

Her words were both the kick in the ass AND the balm to my heart I needed right now. I even wrote on Friday how I needed to find a way to not stay and wallow where I was at, so the timing was perfect.

Out of everything I read in the article, this is my favorite part:

“It’s horrible AND we can allow our souls to breathe.”

For me, at this moment in time, it means that it’s okay to both:

*enjoy being a homebody, which I tend to be anyway AND complain about going stir crazy some days.

*appreciate the good things that companies and people are doing right now AND feel extreme anxiety about what the future holds.

*feel grateful that 3 of my kids are home safe AND feel stress for what their lives will be like when this all ends.

*be aware that there are a great many people who are much worse off than we are AND feel sorry for myself for what I am missing out on and what my kids are dealing with.

*be concerned about what is going on in the world AND still take breaks from the news and social media.

*tell myself to not look too far ahead AND accept my emotions, whatever they are.

*worry about money/finances AND allow myself to indulge in a few little pleasures.

*eat healthy AND treat myself to some comfort foods that are better for my soul than my body.

*do my best to think positively AND have down-in-the-dumps days when I struggle to get out of my pajamas.

*enjoy having my family at home AND sometimes wanting them all to go away and give me some peace.

*hate the big, fat snowflakes that fell this morning AND appreciate that the snowfall really was beautiful on my next-door neighbor’s blooming daffodils. 

Both/And. What a concept. I’m sure I will have many both/and moments in the coming weeks and months. I can’t say I am looking forward to them because I am not. But, I will keep looking for them.  I will think of both/and moments as those that allow my soul to breath. Moments that I am giving myself space to let anxiety go. 

Oh, I forgot one! I can rest easy knowing I have enough toilet paper AND be ridiculously excited when I found a pack of 18 in my trunk today that I forgot I bought a couple of weeks ago.