The Sweet Spot

Back in the summer, one of my co-workers posted a link on her facebook page to a blog post that a friend of hers wrote called “The Sweet Spot.” The post was inspired by the blogger’s realization one day that her life was becoming easier because her kids, although still young, were growing up and required less of her supervision and constant attention. She explained how during this one moment in time, she recognized that she was out of that “blur” those early childhood years can often be. She called that particular time in her life as a mom The Sweet Spot—a fleeting time when things come into focus, sharpen around the edges. She wrote:  I didn't even realize we were here until the moment was half over. And what's coming next? And, Can I just stay here with them a little longer?

So much of her post resonated with me all of those months ago as I thought back on times in my life with my kids that I would consider “sweet spots.” I recalled quite vividly the time that she talked about, the point in time when I realized how much easier life was as the kids grew and we settled into comforting routines…when they could all feed themselves, tie their own shoes and wash their own hands. When I could take them to the park and actually sit on a bench and relax and keep my eyes on them rather than hover over them on the playground, push them on the swings, grip their hands as they slid down slides or wrap my arms around their legs as they crossed the monkey bars.

As I read that blog post back then, how I wished I would have paid more attention to those moments when they happened.

And, as I read that blog post back then, I decided that there is not *A* sweet spot…there are a multitude of sweet spots throughout parenthood. Like the first time one of your children is able to cut the grass and best of all, is excited about it. Oh yes, that is definitely a sweet spot, one that should be spent sitting on the porch, feet propped up on the railing, a glass of iced tea in hand while you try not to smile and show your giddiness too much. Or the first time you can send your first child who just got his or her driver’s license to the grocery store in the midst of a rainstorm to pick up the dog food or milk you forgot to buy, and they JUMP at the opportunity because they get to DRIVE.

This idea of a sweet spot was very much on my mind two weekends ago when Brandon was home on leave from Japan and we all travelled to San Antonio and met up there with Justin. It was the first time we have been together since Justin graduated from boot camp at the end of January. And even then, it was only for two hours while we ate dinner at Rainforest Cafe. To say I had high hopes for our three days together in San Antonio is an understatement, and I wasn’t disappointed. Well, things didn’t always go exactly as perfectly as I imagined they would, but overall, it was a really wonderful few days.

I think it was one of the sweetest sweet spots yet.

One of the best parts of the weekend was seeing my children truly enjoy each other’s company. A better writer than I would likely not have the trouble coming up with words to describe it that I am having.  I know that I am not the only parent who goes through times of thinking that their beloved offspring hate each other, they fight all the time, you wonder if when they grow up and fly the safe, comfy nest of the home you created for them if they will go their separate ways and be glad to be rid of each other on a daily basis. That weekend, yes, there was the usual bickering and picking at each other, but it was different than the typical ways they picked and quibbled at each other when they were younger. It reminded me of the way my own siblings and I good-naturedly and light heartedly razz each other with no malice intended.

There were many times I found myself just listening to and watching them, unable to take my eyes and ears away from them, all of them, soaking it all in. We were eating lunch at an outdoor restaurant on the Riverwalk Friday afternoon, and I sat back letting the sun warm me while I watched the kids pretend like they were going to push each other into the water. Justin asked me what was wrong, that I looked like I was in lala land, or like something was wrong, and I told him absolutely nothing was wrong. At that moment, that very sweet spot moment, I was thinking of nothing but how completely right everything was…how much I was enjoying watching them enjoy each other. Even their squabbling made me smile. Watching them and knowing that yes, this oh so sweet spot, just like all others, was fleeting and would soon go poof into thin air. And yes, I wanted it to last a little longer.

I tried to focus on that moment and not think about how in two days, we would all be going our separate ways, but that was immensely hard to do because it will be a very long time before we are all together again.

In nearly 23 years of sweet spots in my life as a parent, that weekend in Texas ranks up there with the sweetest of the sweet. It was a time when I could sit back, watch and enjoy my children

I can’t stop looking at the pictures we took on that Saturday. Jean took us to a park near her house so we could get some good family photos, and it took much longer than it should have. Even though the “kids” are all adults, or close to it anyway, they horsed around and acted goofy just as much as they did when I tried to get photos of all of them when they were little. I found myself enjoying their silliness instead of being irritated by it as I was when I was trying to get that most perfect Christmas card photo while they cried, made dumb faces and were just uncooperative and complained about being too hot and taking off sweaters while my blood pressure rose. Instead, I found myself smiling at their antics. Which was yet another sweet spot…that moment when I realized that my kid’s silliness is something to be treasured and held onto tightly as a sweet memory rather than a frustration or annoyance. They were going to Six Flags once our photo session was over, and I kept telling them the longer they horsed around, the longer it would take to get photos, but they didn’t care. And neither did I! They climbed trees, played on playground equipment, made silly faces at each other…and it was all so very sweet and awesome. And yes, bittersweet.

I have no idea when we will have this opportunity again. It could be years, and the dynamics of our family may be totally different by the time we are all present again. No matter. For those three days, none of them needed anything from me other than to savor those fleeting moments. And savor them I did!

My life as a mom has undergone a pretty dramatic transformation over the past year, and I have to be honest and say that it hasn’t been easy. It’s been downright challenging and hard at times. So hard. Over the past year, I have shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights. But, for those three days in San Antonio, all of those trials and moments of overwhelming doubts and fears faded away and were replaced with feelings of contentment and a feeling in my soul of being settled…at least for the time being! Those feelings may be fleeting, and who knows what the future holds, but for those three days I really had no worries or cares that concerned my kids.

And I most definitely paid attention to those moments.  Very close attention.

I truly basked in a sweet spot…all behind was forgotten, and all ahead of me isn’t yet dreamed of or imagined. And for me, that is what makes a “sweet spot.”

Thankful

It is pretty much a given that my job is sad a great majority of the time--almost every single day, I talk to, hear, and/or read stories from parents and others that truly make my heart ache. What keeps me and my co-workers going and looking forward to showing up at work each day is knowing that what we do provides hope and healing to those who are experiencing their bleakest, most hopeless days.

 Yes, there are many sorrowful, heartbreaking days full of heartbreaking stories. Some days, I go home with such a hefty weight bearing down on my soul and heart that I am barely capable of doing the things that need to be done for my family—days when I yearn to walk in the door and immediately put on comfy pjs, pour a glass of wine, wrap up in a quilt and lose myself in a book or a movie. Thankfully, everyone I work with has a loving, caring spirit, and if we didn’t have each other, I don’t know how any of us would handle the things we deal with. 

One of the best things about my job, and I’m sure my co-workers would all agree with me, is that we often form strong bonds with the families we serve, especially those that become actively involved in our organization and stay in touch with us, letting us know how they are doing. They bring their new babies into our office to visit, volunteer to help out at fundraisers, form walk teams, bring their extended families to the annual picnic, and so much more. We watch parents connect through the support group and become dear, lifelong friends. We are all aware of how immensely privileged we are to be welcomed into family’s lives, literally embraced by them, during a time when they often feel hopeless and in the depths of despair. And it is so very rewarding to see the ways they change and heal and continue to find ways to honor their babies as the years go by.

 Those are the perks…the good and wonderful things about my job. The things that make me smile. The things that make it easier to keep on keepin’ on at the Share office.

 Some days, though…some days, there are things that bring me to my knees and bring me to tears. Days that my lovely co- worker Jenn describes as days when “we take people home with us.” Yesterday was one of those days, and unfortunately, it is the second day in just over a week that I have taken someone home with me. It is the second day in just over a week that I have driven home with a heavy heart.  Such a heavy heart. A day when I did indeed put on my pjs and pour myself a glass of wine soon after I walked in my front door.

 Last week, a family we have all gotten to know since the death of their baby boy experienced another tragic loss. This family has been through pure hell the past two years after their eight-week old son died at the babysitter on one of his mom’s first days back at work. His death was due to negligence on the part of the babysitter, and they went through a court case that brought upon them even more anguish when the babysitter received a very lenient punishment, virtually nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

The family has made very good friends through Share and received a great deal of support. We have watched as they have found hope, healing and reasons to smile through their tears and heartache. Recently, they experienced another loss of a baby early in the pregnancy. They have been through so much, and then last Monday, tragedy struck again:   While on the highway traveling home from work, the dad of the sweet little boy who died two years ago was involved in a head-on collision and killed instantly when a car crossed the median. Today, there is a mom not only grieving the death of her son, but now, the death of her husband as well. When I write that it has been a difficult week at our office, it is a huge understatement. We have all wondered and asked WHY such horrible things happen to wonderful people.

It is not the first time any of us have asked that, but his death hit us all pretty hard. Again, thankfully, we all have each other to decompress with and talk to. Sadly, life goes on, and last week we had to throw ourselves into our weekend training preparations while we comforted ourselves with knowing that he is with his son in Heaven.

I can only imagine the small comfort that is to his grieving wife.

Yesterday was another day that I think we all took someone home with us. I know I did.

Yesterday, with visions of a four-day weekend dancing in my head, I watched the clock all day long. Typically, time goes so fast when I am at work, and I often look at the clock and think (or sometimes say!), “Oh SHIT! It’s ____ o’clock already?!!???” We all do, as there never seems to be enough hours in the day to do all that needs to be done. Yesterday was not one of those days, I have to admit. Yesterday, while I did get a lot of work accomplished, rather than thinking, “Oh shit, it’s _____ o’clock already!” I watched the minutes crawl toward the end of the day and thought more than once, “Oh shit, it’s only ________ o’clock.” While I do love my job most of the time, I really need some time off after a crazy busy couple of weeks.

I was winding up my work for the day with only 30 minutes left, and I actually thought for a brief moment that maybe I would even leave early. Woo hoo, a rare bonus! I planned to stop at my favorite nursery and buy some fall flowers to plant today. I decided the girls and I were going to have leftovers for dinner, and I looked forward to a relaxing evening and four days off.

But, with only 26 minutes left (told you I was watching the clock!) I ended up on the phone with one of the saddest sounding men I have ever talked to. The details don’t matter, but I was fighting tears talking to this grandfather. I did all I could to help him, finally left the office around 4:15, thought of him all the way home, made a few phone calls to some folks I thought could offer him some support, and then I stopped at Walmart to buy kitty litter. As I grabbed a cart and walked through the crowded aisles, dodging displays of creepy Halloween décor (which I DESPISE by the way!) on my way back to the pet department, I couldn’t help but think about the mundane task I was in the midst of while just a few miles away, hearts were breaking as a family waits to say goodbye to a beloved baby boy who is only five days old. I couldn’t help but think about that very devastated grandfather, who shared with me that he is a deacon in his Catholic church and a former hospital chaplain, someone who is used to comforting others in their sad times. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he sobbed to me that he is now feeling shattered, fragile and powerless to help his daughter or himself. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much his words and tears conveyed the love he has for his daughter, son in law, and tiny grandson. I also thought about how in all of my years at Share, this was the first time that a grandfather was my first contact with a family. Maybe that is why I felt so shaken, I don’t know.

To be honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings when I walked by a display of fall dishes and towels and fake sparkly pumpkins and leaves set up on shelves in the middle of an aisle, but a small stack of white plates with painted fall leaves caught my eye, so I stopped to look. The plate on top had the word “Blessings” scrolled across it in a thin, gold font. I picked it up to see how much it was, and underneath was a plate that said “Thankful” in the same gold print with similar leaves.

I couldn’t resist, and I bought all four of the “Thankful” plates and the only “Blessings” plate that was left on the shelf. I came home and put them on my dining room table and kitchen island.

 

I just love them, and I plan to see if I can find a few more at a different Walmart.

 I think that I mostly do an acceptable job of feeling and expressing gratitude for even the small things in my life that are good, but I am far from perfect and life’s crap does get in the way and cloud my judgment at times. Probably more times than I care to admit. These two experiences of the past week have been a reality check for me…sort of a wake-up call that has forced me to put things in perspective and compelled me to focus my energy and attention where it should be. Those little $3 Walmart plates were just what I needed yesterday to remind me that while my life has been a bit topsy turvy lately, I have so much to be grateful for and so many blessings to count.

Today, I am filled with gratitude for a boss who thinks it is important to take an extra day off when you have been working above and beyond your normal hours. I am going to make good use of that gift and enjoy the glorious fall day that today is by going to one of my favorite places—Theis Farm—to buy some apples, fall flowers and hopefully some cute little baking pumpkins. I’m going to make one of my husband’s favorite meals (Chicken Alfredo) and homemade bread since he has been out of town all week. Finally, I am going to make my dog very grateful and take him for a walk around Creve Coeur Lake. While I am enjoying this day, there is a grieving grandfather who will be with me, but that is okay. While my heart is heavy, it is also humbly overflowing with thankfulness for so many things. 

The Only Place I Want to Be

Right now, today, I am in the one and only place that I seem to want to be all the time anymore…my home.

I don’t know when or how or why I’ve turned into such a homebody. I used to love being out and about, taking walks around the neighborhood stopping to chat with acquaintances along the way. I used to love walking around the mall window shopping, or idly browsing the aisles at Target and Hobby Lobby. Crazy as it sounds, I even used to love going to the grocery store.

I don’t know if it is because the past few months have been busy and stressful and I’ve taken so many trips since spring, but right now, I just want to hang out in my house, bake cookies, pull out all of my pumpkins and colorful leaf garlands and bedeck everything for fall. The weather has been fairly delightful this summer with only a few miserably hot and humid days sprinkled in amongst mostly glorious ones, and on days that are cooler, like today, I want to accept Mother Nature’s beckoning to sit on my porch sipping coffee and listening to the locusts that are out in abundance right now. That mating call that can be so loud at times just signifies summer I think. I know some people find it annoying, but I don’t. And when I say “cooler,” don’t get me wrong…it’s not cool by any means. It’s still 90, but the steamy humidity is blissfully absent—perfect summer days. The kind that make me wish I lived somewhere warm all year round.

I so enjoy being at home that I almost feel resentful when I have to leave for some reason. There were too many evenings the past two weeks that I had to be out after dinner and all I could think about was getting home. This week, I looked so forward to today because I knew that I had absolutely no place I needed to be that I didn’t want to go. The house is clean, I only have one basket of laundry waiting in the basement, and while I have some ‘work’ work to do this weekend, I don’t even care. Because I am home.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel like being a recluse and shutting myself off from the world, I am just enjoying being here.

So, this afternoon, I spent some time in the basement unstacking dusty tubs searching for my fall décor. I couldn’t find most of it—no idea where my husband put it—but I did find a few things just sufficient to get me started. Even though it is still officially summer, once September arrives, I am always anxious to transition my house from summer to fall, both inside and out. I didn’t do much today, just enough to put me in the mood for crisp, cool days, sweaters, simmering pots of yummy soup, apple pie and all things pumpkin.

I’ve been making an effort these days to use some of things I love in different ways, and as I was decking out my dining room table with white pumpkins, bittersweet garland and candles, I happened to glance over and notice the small collection of milk glass vases on a shelf in my living room. I just knew they would look really pretty with sprays of orange flowers. I love milk glass, and it was kind of fun using a few vases in a way other than just letting them gather dust on a shelf.

 

I also bought myself some sunflowers for the kitchen counter this afternoon. I adore sunflowers, and I buy them whenever I can because they make me smile and remind me of a dear friend.

The yellow flowers in these vases have been there most of the summer, and I almost replaced them with something more fallish, but I decided I really like how cheerful they are. And, look at that cute little yellow carnival glass sunflower bowl--I bought it a few weeks ago at an antique mall here in St. Charles, and it was only $3!  

 

You can’t tell from the photo, but I found a picture of the kids at a pumpkin patch taken the fall that Rachel was two and put it in a frame. I’m sure they will all roll their eyes when they see it, but do I care? Nope! :) They are all so cute and little, and I really miss our annual trips to the pumpkin patch. Buying pumpkins at the grocery store just is not the same as having the kids run through heaps of pumpkins picking out their favorites.

I have a few more projects up my sleeve, but that’s the extent of my fall flourishes for now. As much as I love summer, with fall approaching, I am looking forward to cozying things up, trying some new recipes, and finishing some painting projects. This is my last free weekend for a while, and I am soaking up and enjoying the peace and tranquility in my house right now as much as I can. While it’s not quite “sit on the porch in flannel pants” weather, fall is in the air, and I even have a simmering pot of potato cheese soup on the stove and a bag of apples ready to be made into a pie tomorrow. This will all have to be my fall fix for now.

Pinteresting Things

I have few guilty pleasures in my life. I swear. I don’t watch soap operas. I don’t watch much television at all, in fact. I don’t hoard shoes or clothes or pets or anything. I don’t collect expensive knick knacks.

I do, however, drink too much coffee. WAYYY too much. I also faithfully watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette. (Shhhh…don’t tell anyone! Embarrassing, I know. More embarrassing than my Dr. Phil watching days.) I enjoy drinking wine. But other than that, I don’t do much that I am ashamed to admit that I do.

Except when it comes to Pinterest. I have no idea how I cooked, decorated, gardened, cleaned, organized, celebrated holidays—how I did much of anything before God or whoever created Pinterest. When I originally joined, after hearing from others how addicting it can be, I swore up and down and sideways and in circles that I was ONLY joining as a way to save all of the recipes and jewelry making ideas I found online. I thought it would be much easier to have all of my favorite things saved in one place rather than having to scroll through my 100-yard long list of internet favorites when I wanted to find something.

Yeah. Famous last words.

That resolve lasted for all of about, oh, 1.325 seconds after I visited Pinterest for the first time after my membership was “approved.” (Why do you have to be approved I wonder? Do the powers that be at Pinterest do a mental health background check on you to make sure you are unstable enough to become totally addicted to their website before they let you join? Yes, I think that must be it.) Now, I am addicted and have something else to add to my guilty-pleasures list. For someone like me who has enjoyed creating things ever since I was a child, I was sucked into the Pinterest vortex quicker than Dorothy and Toto were swirled up into that Kansas tornado.   And once I WAS officially and irrevocably sucked in, I did no searching for a magic Wizard to guide me out. (I have, however, learned from Pinterest how to make glittery red shoes and how to make your kitchen table legs look like witches boots).

Is it obvious that I love that site?! What started out as a place for me to pin all of my favorite recipes quickly became the first place on the web that I visit most days, even before I check email or facebook. The plethora of recipes and home decorating ideas and organizing tips…OH MY. Well, if you’ve been there, you get what I’m saying. Or as my teenage daughters would say, you “feel me.” I have 20 boards (20!!!!!) just devoted to recipes.

I think I may need a 12-step program.

Pinterest has become the first place I go when I want to find just about anything. It’s better than Google! Blasphemy, I know! I hope the Google gods don’t strike me down and hide all of my Pinterest boards and change my password for saying that.

Now, while I consider Pinterest my number one guilty pleasure (I am fairly certain I would give up coffee, wine and the Bachelor/Bachelorette before I would give up Pinterest), I have also been very inspired by it. I have seen the silly cartoon photos that many people pin that say things like, “Honey, I didn’t make dinner because I was too busy pinning recipes today!” and other such things. But, I feel like it has made me more productive. Its pins and pinners have inspired me to try new recipes, organize messy areas of my house, and attempt decorating and craft projects I would never have thought of before and recently, I even choose a paint color for my bathroom based on a picture of a bathroom I found on Pinterest.

There is another upside to my Pinterest addiction. I rarely buy magazines these days. Magazines used to be another guilty pleasure of mine…Southern Living, Taste of Home, Good Housekeeping, Family Fun…that is just the beginning of the list! Now, I may pick them up to flip through when I am in line at the grocery store or Target, but I rarely buy them these days, knowing that Pinterest is like the ultimate magazine chock full of crafts and recipes and decorating and fun kid projects all at my fingertips and a mouse click. And I don’t have to wait a month to get a new issue because my daily visits to Pinterest are like receiving new issues of my favorite magazine every single day, drenching my mind with so much inspiration that my lifetime will not be long enough to make even half of the things I have pinned.  Unfortunately, the money I save by no longer buying magazines probably doesn’t make up for the money I spend on projects and recipes. But hey, we have to eat, right?

A few weeks ago, Tony and the girls were out of town all week, and I had lots of time on my hands. I decided to tackle a bunch of projects large and small, and I realized how many of them lately have been inspired by Pinterest. I’ve tried many different things, some of which were a total flop, others which were definite winners and made me feel like I could hang with Martha Stewart drinking homemade lemonade infused with crushed mint out of hand painted glasses while we make Christmas ornaments and wall art from empty toilet paper rolls. (Now that is one craft I don’t get!)

There are other things I don’t get as well. Like the cleaning tips where the pinner declares, “MIND BLOWN!” and when I try them, I wonder what they were smoking when their mind was blown because the tip really doesn’t work. For instance, if you have seen this tip, don’t waste your time trying it: A mixture of peroxide and baking soda to clean grungy old baking pans does not work. At all. Neither does cleaning your hardwood floors with tea. The picture showed a shiny, brand spanking new looking floor, but when I tried it…my floor didn’t look even a smidge different after than it did before, and my old baking trays didn’t look any cleaner or shinier before I let them soak all day covered with a paste of baking soda and peroxide.

That all said, I’ve had way more Pinterest successes than failures.

First, of course, are the recipes I’ve tried. There have been so many over time, but these are a few favorites these days:

White Chocolate  Snickerdoodle Pudding Cookies A dreamy combination of vanilla pudding mix, white chocolate chips and cinnamon, rolled in cinnamon and sugar before baking. OH MY.

Heavenly Oreo Cookie Dessert (Does that really need an explanation? I think not.)

Breakfast nachos (scrambled eggs, bacon and melted cheese piled on top of freshly made corn chips. YUM.

Chicken Pillows (another YUM. A mixture of chicken, cream cheese and some seasonings wrapped up in crescent roll dough and then baked.

More kinds of quesadillas than I ever imagined--pizza, breakfast, Philly Steak…just to name a few. Tony and the girls love quesadillas, and I try a new type every week or so.

More kinds of ice cream than you can shake a scooper at. I’ve made batches  of blueberry cheesecake, s’mores, salty caramel, even bubblegum. Next up is going to be peach and toasted pecan after I go pick peaches this weekend. (Didn’t I tell you I could hang with Martha?)

Doritos crusted chicken Instead of dredging the chicken in bread crumbs, it is dredged in finely crushed up cheese Doritos and then baked. I’m not wild about it, but the girls and Tony adore it. For me, the best part is putting the Doritos in a bag and beating them into small crumbs with a metal meat mallet. I tend to make this recipe on days that I am stressed or pissed off at someone.

As you can tell, I find all kinds of healthy recipes on Pinterest. Trust me, they are. Good for my mental health at least. Fortunately, my family devours most things I make while I only get a few small bites. Imagine how much gut my dad would have to poke in disgust if I had hearty helpings of these treats. The last time I made the Oreo dessert, the only bites I got were the scrapings from the edges of the pan. Oh well. Sometimes, I have more fun making than eating. It’s not about the destination, it’s the journey. Right??

Yeah, okay. 

On to some more scrumptiousness. (Yes, Microsoft spell check, I know that is not a word).

Homemade lemonade (delicious, but way too much work—and money--for the small amount of lemonade the recipe made).

Friendship Bread If you are like me, you remember this from back in the 90’s…maybe before, but that is when I was introduced to it. And if you are like me, you eventually started hiding from your friends who tried to foist their bags of fermenting goo upon you. But, you gotta admit, that bread that you made with that fermenting goo was good stuff—warm, cinnamony GOOD stuff. On Pinterest, I came across a recipe for the starter, and decided to make some. I now have my very own bag of fermenting goo in my kitchen right now. It is ready, so later today, I will separate it into bags to give to friends, but I will keep some for myself, too. I actually have a few people lined up who can’t wait to get a bag. In a few months from now, they may be hiding from me.

Homemade vanilla extract. I’ve wanted to try this forever. I finally ordered some vanilla beans from Amazon, bought a bottle of vodka, and not only do I have a fermenting bag of goo in my kitchen, I also have a bottle of vodka sitting in plain sight for everyone to see. It is the first bottle of vodka I’ve ever in my life purchased. It sits on my counter because for two months, you are supposed to shake it every day until you have delicious vanilla extract. I hope I can wait that long to use it because it’s only been sitting for 6 weeks, and it smells wonderful already. I can’t wait to make my first batch of cookies with it.

Some downright fun decorating projects

This is one of my favorites

I discovered the idea for this before Memorial Day weekend. We were having a party while Justin was home, and I thought they were perfect. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this idea this summer. For Memorial Day, I used red gingham fabric bows and put red geraniums in the jars, but after that, I switched the red and white gingham out for orange and white, and every week or two, I buy daisies or other orange and yellow flowers to add to the jars. I have really been enjoying the sunshiny-ness.

 

 

 

Another favorite:

Still another favorite:

 

 

Fake canvas paintings Months ago, as I was perusing Pinterest early one morning, I noticed a project that looked fun and cheap. Right up my alley because I am all over fun and cheap things. These are photographs put onto canvas so they look like paintings. I knew I wanted to try this, and I had the perfect pictures in mind.

The pictures were all taken out at the Angel of Hope. I love them, and I love how these turned out. They were easy, and once again, CHEAP. I found packs of two  8x10 canvasses on sale at Hobby Lobby for $5, I bought a bottle of Mod Podge for $4, printed the 8x10 photos at Walgreens for a total of $12 and then made color copies of them on regular paper. Then, I simply coated the front of the canvas and the back of the paper with the mod podge and carefully put the photo on the canvas. The hardest part of this project was smoothing out the wrinkles and air bubbles, and the last one I made definitely looks better than the first one. After they dried, I used a coarse paint brush and slathered a glossy layer of Mod Podge over the top in a random criss-crossing pattern to leave brush marks. I really like the way they turned out, and I hung them on a wall in my living room. The whole thing took about an hour to make five of them.

My biggest undertaking this summer was re-decorating my downstairs bathroom.

I almost forgot about my front porch rocking chairs! Two of my very favorite things, how could I forget? My rocking chairs are from Cracker Barrel, given to me years ago by a friend who was moving out of state and no longer wanted them. (Crazy, huh? Those chairs are awesome!) They started out stained a warm oak, but over the years, they weathered to a not-so-pretty-ugly-I-don’t-even-know-what-to-call-it color. A couple of years ago, I was tired of looking at them and was ready to toss them in the trash and buy new ones. I decided instead to paint them apple green, and I bought black and white polka dot cushions for the seats. I did like them that color, but I quickly grew tired of them and, and I was going to be boring this summer and paint them them white. After I bought a bunch of cans of spray paint, I found a picture on Pinterest of turquoise rocking chairs on a beach-house front porch and I had to paint them turquoise. They turned out more of a beach-water blue, and I think they are lovely. I’ve gotten lots of compliments on them from neighbors. I only wish that I could sit on my porch and imgine the beach instead of the traffic racing by.

There are many more Pinterest-inspired things I have created and cooked, and many more I have on my to-do list, but since this has gotten too long, I will have to write another post or two.  

C’mon, close your eyes and chant with me…there’s no place like Pinterest…there’s no place like Pinterest…

Groovy Girls

I have so much I want to write about my trip with my girls…but I am tired, my brain is mush after the past few days I’ve had, and I can’t seem to formulate very many coherent thoughts. I will just say this for now, with more to come as my mind settles and I take care of some things that are pressing right now: It was outstanding. Wonderful. Groovy. I have wanted to take a trip like this for several years now, but I never took the time to actually do it.  Wonderful is an understatement.

I’m so thrilled to finally have done it. Our plans changed a couple of times, and instead of heading south through Memphis, I ended up driving north through Iowa, ending up in Minneapolis. We spent two days shopping  til we dropped at Mall of America, and a day on a beautiful lake in St. Louis Park, MN.

For now, here are some photos and random thoughts of things that made me smile, laugh and just generally made me happy—so many fun memories to last a lifetime. For me, one of the best parts of the trip was seeing how silly Lauren and Rachel were and how much they enjoyed each other’s company. I love how their personalities are so different, yet they are both very comfortable being their true selves, even when they are being weird and dumb. I love that they have the confidence that I have never had to be who they are, and I soaked it in like a sponge. If I have done nothing else as a mom, I’m glad I have encouraged them to be who they are.  I absolutely love  the young women they are growing into, and I wish I would have been even half as confident and secure when I was their ages.

Anyway, here are the highlights of our trip.  

*At IKEA, they thought it would be hilarious to set all of the kitchen timers to go off at the same time. My first reaction/thought was to be the stern adult and make them stop, but I didn’t. They wanted to go back in an hour and see how people reacted when a whole bin of timers started buzzing. (We didn’t)

 

*They both went through the entire bedding department at IKEA making beds. They probably made more beds at IKEA than they have made in their life in their own rooms.

*More IKEA craziness—they found this little egg shaped chair in the children’s department that they curled up in, pulled a curtain over the top, and then asked me to spin them around. They got quite a few looks and lots of laughter from other shoppers passing by as they unfolded their long legs and bodies out of the chair.

 

*At Lake Calhoun, they found a playground meant for little kids, but they didn’t care, and I gotta admit, it was rather entertaining watching them run around and play and act like little girls.

 

*They tried on silly hats nearly everywhere we went…Huckleberry Finn hats, Minnesota Viking  hats, raccoon hats at truck stops. They did the same thing when we were in Texas; I think these girls have a weird hat obsession.

*Before we left, they made a bucket list. Some of the items on that list were not going to happen no matter what, like adopting a puppy, but we tried to fit other wishes from their list into the trip.

*They wanted to ride a boat, and while this isn’t what they likely had in mind, it was fun anyway, even if we were a couple of wimpy chicks who did more floating than pedaling. That is HARD work! It was the only time during the entire trip that we wished Tony was with us.

 

*Something else that was on their bucket list was to eat food we hadn’t eaten before. One day for lunch, we had crepes. They were so delicious—Rachel had pepperoni pizza, Lauren had a turkey club, and I had veggie. I also ate a fish taco at The Tin Fish when we were at Lake Calhoun. My mouth waters a week later thinking about that fish taco.

 

*Another item on their bucket list was to go zip lining. That didn’t happen either. However, we did find an awesome but monstrous climbing apparatus inside Mall of America called The Ghostly Gangplank, and they insisted on taking it on. Me? I was more than happy just to keep my feet safely planted on the ground and take photos while I drank coffee and tried to keep myself from having a panic attack. I think it would have been better-named if it was called The Ghastly Gangplank, but the girls loved it, and it was worth spending $12 for them to do it.

The next picture cracks me up. The girls had to spend .50 each on these cute blue shorts that were made out of plastic-coated paper because their own shorts were too short. I love how Rachel had to roll the waistband on hers to make them shorter. :)

Finally, just because, here are a few of my favorite pictures from our  travels:

*Lauren took these photos of some flowers at Lake Calhoun. She was trying to take “artistic photos.”  I think they turned out quite lovely considering they were taken with my phone.

*Some pictures from Lake Calhoun:

 

*when Rachel was climbing out of the pedal boat, she accidentally dropped her iPod in the lake. Lauren didn’t hesitate and got in to look for it. After 20 minutes of searching the murky lake with her feet on the muddy bottom, she actually found it! And amazingly, after Rachel stored it in a bag of rice for a couple of days, it still works.

 

*I don’t typically buy souvenirs for myself when I go on trips, but I couldn’t resist this pendant:

 

I bought it at a shop full of jewelry made by Minnesota jewelry artists. The stone in the center is a moonstone, and while I’m not sure if I really believe in the healing properties of gemstones, the moonstone is said to aid communication by promoting clear thinking and inspiration as well as assisting in the balancing of emotions. I can use all the help I can get! Really, I just bought it because I think it’s really pretty and I was drawn to it in the store.

I also bought myself a Minnesota coffee mug that was made by a local artist.

 

This isn’t quite the post I thought I would be writing after our trip, but hopefully, that one will come soon. We had such a fun time. That sounds very simplistic, which is okay with me, because it was. It was a fun time with just me and the girls, and it was such a letdown when we got home because I could have spent double the amount of time on our trip that we had. On our way home, Lauren said she we need to make it a yearly tradition. That kind of made me sad as this time next year, she will be off to college, and after that, maybe she will have better ways to spend her summer than a road trip with her mom and sister. Even if that comes to be true, I know that I will never forget the 5 glorious days I spent driving through Iowa and Minnesota to go shopping at a huge mall with my girls (when I hate malls!). We made so many memories that I know they will not forget any more than I will.

Weighty Issues

Nothing makes you vow to kick your exercise routine into high gear quite like your father poking you (hard!) in the stomach and saying (not in a joking manner!) “What is THAT??”

This post is my way of trying to find humor and silliness and maybe (hopefully?) some motivation in something that has upset me more than it probably should.

I really can’t think of very many times in my life that I have not been focused on my weight. I know I don’t garner many sympathetic feelings from anyone when I say that I used to be so thin that I was self-conscious about it. In high school, I had nicknames like “Double-back” (affectionately bestowed upon me by my best friend’s boyfriend because I was as flat on the front as I was on the back), “Bird” (short for Bird legs, given to me by a mean girl on my high school track team during my freshman year), and my favorite, “Rex” (given to me by another mean girl in high school because I was so thin that many of  my classmates thought I was anorexic). Even in college, I was often asked if I was anorexic. When I was younger, I played tennis and was a runner. I didn’t do those things because I was trying to lose weight; I did them because I enjoyed them. I started playing tennis when I was 8 or 9, and I loved it. When I was in high school and college, I played daily when the weather permitted tennis playing. I started running my freshman year of high school only because a friend talked me into joining the track team with her. Funny, I remember hesitating because I hated the way my ridiculously skinny legs with their knobby knees looked in shorts. To say I was awkward back then is a huge understatement.

I wrote a few sentences ago that I know I don’t garner much sympathy when I talk about being self-conscious about being too thin. That’s an understatement as well…I have never gotten ANY commiseration, and instead, would be told things like, “Oh, I’D sure like to have that problem!”  I was told many times throughout high school and college, “Just EAT more!” and, “Why do you play sports when you don’t need to lose weight?” In high school, a guy I liked once threw a hamburger at me at lunch and said “eat up, Twiggy!” while a table full of guys laughed like they were the funniest gift to the world. It was all humiliating and maddening to be honest, and I never understood why it was okay for someone to walk up to a thin skinny person and say, “Oh my GAWD!! You are sooooo skinny! Are you anorexic?”

Again, I know there are many people who would love to be too skinny, but trust me, it is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s no fun to be a newly minted junior high girl who still looks like an 8 year old in a school full of girls who actually need a bra that is bigger than a training bra and to be drawn in 7^th grade art class as a stick figure. Yes, that really happened.  

I was even told by a doctor after I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time that I was too thin and if I gained some weight, I would probably get pregnant. I spent a few months eating ice cream, peanut butter right out of the jar, and the most high calorie foods I could find. Yeah, who is going to feel sorry for someone like THAT, right?

I don’t expect anyone to “feel sorry” for me. Not at all. I only say all of that to make the point that I have always been self-conscious and not had a very good body image. Honestly, the first time in my life I remember really feeling good about how I looked is when I was pregnant with Brandon. I’m an odd ball, I know. Most people hate the way they look when they are pregnant, but I loved it.

Don’t hate me.

The good feelings about my body continued even after I gave birth. I lost most of the weight I had gained, but not all of it, and as anyone who has given birth knows, your body changes in many different ways. I felt “curvier” even though I was still thin, and I felt wonderful. Friends and family members told me I looked “good with a little meat on my bones.” Even after I had Justin and Lauren and all of the weight didn’t come off and I wore a larger size in clothing than I ever had before, I still felt pretty darn good. Strangely enough, after I had kids was when I felt comfortable in a bathing suit for the first time since my pre-pubescent days. I would look at pictures of myself and think, “Wow, I look pretty good for having had 3 kids!”

Then, I had Rachel, and my body image shifted to the other end of the spectrum. After I had her, the weight did not come off. She was born in June, and not able to bear the thought of wearing maternity clothes all summer yet not able to fit into my regular clothes, I bought clothes cheap, that fit, that I assumed I would only wear that summer. I bought a pair of khaki shorts in the men’s department at Target and laughed with my friends about how I would burn them when I lost weight.

Ha.

By the next summer, those clothes still fit me, even those men’s shorts from Target. By the next summer, when Rachel was two, they didn’t.

They were too small.

Whoa, how did THAT happen, I wondered? For the first time in my life, I was gaining weight when I wasn’t pregnant and I wasn’t trying. And most people in my life who had known me for a long time thought it was funny, said it was “payback” time, welcome to the real world, it’s about time you gain weight, etc etc yada yada yada.

For a while, it didn’t bother me a whole lot, I still looked pretty good, I thought. I am tall so I “hid” it well, and I felt healthy. I tried not to let a few extra pounds bother me and told myself it was part of getting older. And even though I weighed more than I ever had, I knew that I looked better and felt better about myself than I had looked and felt when I was super duper skinny.

Now, 15 years after Rachel came into the world, and a couple of years post-menopause, the weight has steadily settled itself like an unwanted guest around my midsection, and the past few years, I have once again began to feel self-conscious about how I look. I hate shopping for clothes because I often feel like I look pregnant. I have started to despise photos of myself because I look even heavier in pictures.

I eat well…I cook mostly from scratch, I eat very little pasta, rice, potatoes and bread. I eat lots of veggies. I don’t drink soda at all. I rarely make something to eat that comes out of a box or a package. I walk/run, although not as regularly as I should. When I run into someone I haven’t seen in years, I imagine them thinking, “Wow, she has really packed on the pounds!” And I have, I know it.  When I run into someone who knew me in high school, I imagine them snickering and secretly being thrilled that I am no longer the skinny mini I used to be. When my old high school friend I hadn’t seen in 4 years came to a gathering I had this summer and announced in front of a kitchen and family room full of people, “Hey, this is great! I am FINALLY skinnier than Rose! I’ve been looking forward to this for YEARS!” I know she meant no harm. I know she was trying to be funny, and I laughed along with her, but I wanted to crawl into a hole.

That should have motivated me to do something, but it didn’t, and I have felt even more self-conscious since that day. Even more aware of what I eat, what I do, what I wear…

But DID I do anything about it? No, I did not.

This weekend was a big family reunion with all of my Keiffer relatives. I have been so excited thinking about seeing cousins who I haven’t seen in many years (one of them, I haven’t seen for 14 years!), and I shamefully admit, I was nervous in some ways, wondering what they would think of skinny little Toddie who is no longer skinny. I am the oldest of all of my cousins, and while some of the guys are close to me in age, all of the girls are at least 9 years younger than me; some of them are much younger than that. Which means they haven’t yet hit that age where it is hard to lose weight and easy to gain it. One of them is pregnant with her first baby and one just had a baby a few months ago, but otherwise, they are all still slim and trim, even after having kids.

I can honestly say that while I worried and wondered ahead of time about seeing all of them, I really believe that there are so many more important things in life to worry about. Weight Schmeight.  Who cares. We all had so much fun catching up. It was a great day.

Then, my parents were leaving, and I gave my dad a hug goodbye. That is when he looked at me, poked his finger in my stomach, and said, “What is THAT?” He didn’t say it in a joking manner. Not even close. He said it with a tone of complete disgust. I was shocked. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, I’m old and FAT, thank you so much for pointing that out!” and I walked away.

I can’t help but wonder how long he has looked at me and thought, “Wow, she has really gotten fat!” Worse, the way my parents talk about everyone, even their granddaughter who is overweight, I wonder who he has told about how fat his once skinny daughter has become.

Maybe it’s a good thing he said what he did. I can’t get his words out of my head. Maybe his nasty words will inspire me to try harder to get in better shape, to walk and run and exercise on a more regular basis.

I just don’t understand why he thinks it is ok to say the things he says. Way to go, Dad…you sure are good at hitting it out of the park when it comes to making someone feel like shit.

 But, I’d rather have his words inspire me to try harder to lose weight than to inspire me to punch him in the face.

That said, I am being brave and posting a couple of current pictures of myself. Maybe doing so will really inspire me to look forward to posting a much better “after” picture at some point.

 

 I swear, I really am not orange like I look in these pictures. And, I probably should ask my girls for pointers on taking “selfies” because these suck. I think I took 20 different shots just to get these two that are semi-ok.

 

Over and out to the grocery store to stock up on veggies...