Thankful

It is pretty much a given that my job is sad a great majority of the time--almost every single day, I talk to, hear, and/or read stories from parents and others that truly make my heart ache. What keeps me and my co-workers going and looking forward to showing up at work each day is knowing that what we do provides hope and healing to those who are experiencing their bleakest, most hopeless days.

 Yes, there are many sorrowful, heartbreaking days full of heartbreaking stories. Some days, I go home with such a hefty weight bearing down on my soul and heart that I am barely capable of doing the things that need to be done for my family—days when I yearn to walk in the door and immediately put on comfy pjs, pour a glass of wine, wrap up in a quilt and lose myself in a book or a movie. Thankfully, everyone I work with has a loving, caring spirit, and if we didn’t have each other, I don’t know how any of us would handle the things we deal with. 

One of the best things about my job, and I’m sure my co-workers would all agree with me, is that we often form strong bonds with the families we serve, especially those that become actively involved in our organization and stay in touch with us, letting us know how they are doing. They bring their new babies into our office to visit, volunteer to help out at fundraisers, form walk teams, bring their extended families to the annual picnic, and so much more. We watch parents connect through the support group and become dear, lifelong friends. We are all aware of how immensely privileged we are to be welcomed into family’s lives, literally embraced by them, during a time when they often feel hopeless and in the depths of despair. And it is so very rewarding to see the ways they change and heal and continue to find ways to honor their babies as the years go by.

 Those are the perks…the good and wonderful things about my job. The things that make me smile. The things that make it easier to keep on keepin’ on at the Share office.

 Some days, though…some days, there are things that bring me to my knees and bring me to tears. Days that my lovely co- worker Jenn describes as days when “we take people home with us.” Yesterday was one of those days, and unfortunately, it is the second day in just over a week that I have taken someone home with me. It is the second day in just over a week that I have driven home with a heavy heart.  Such a heavy heart. A day when I did indeed put on my pjs and pour myself a glass of wine soon after I walked in my front door.

 Last week, a family we have all gotten to know since the death of their baby boy experienced another tragic loss. This family has been through pure hell the past two years after their eight-week old son died at the babysitter on one of his mom’s first days back at work. His death was due to negligence on the part of the babysitter, and they went through a court case that brought upon them even more anguish when the babysitter received a very lenient punishment, virtually nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

The family has made very good friends through Share and received a great deal of support. We have watched as they have found hope, healing and reasons to smile through their tears and heartache. Recently, they experienced another loss of a baby early in the pregnancy. They have been through so much, and then last Monday, tragedy struck again:   While on the highway traveling home from work, the dad of the sweet little boy who died two years ago was involved in a head-on collision and killed instantly when a car crossed the median. Today, there is a mom not only grieving the death of her son, but now, the death of her husband as well. When I write that it has been a difficult week at our office, it is a huge understatement. We have all wondered and asked WHY such horrible things happen to wonderful people.

It is not the first time any of us have asked that, but his death hit us all pretty hard. Again, thankfully, we all have each other to decompress with and talk to. Sadly, life goes on, and last week we had to throw ourselves into our weekend training preparations while we comforted ourselves with knowing that he is with his son in Heaven.

I can only imagine the small comfort that is to his grieving wife.

Yesterday was another day that I think we all took someone home with us. I know I did.

Yesterday, with visions of a four-day weekend dancing in my head, I watched the clock all day long. Typically, time goes so fast when I am at work, and I often look at the clock and think (or sometimes say!), “Oh SHIT! It’s ____ o’clock already?!!???” We all do, as there never seems to be enough hours in the day to do all that needs to be done. Yesterday was not one of those days, I have to admit. Yesterday, while I did get a lot of work accomplished, rather than thinking, “Oh shit, it’s _____ o’clock already!” I watched the minutes crawl toward the end of the day and thought more than once, “Oh shit, it’s only ________ o’clock.” While I do love my job most of the time, I really need some time off after a crazy busy couple of weeks.

I was winding up my work for the day with only 30 minutes left, and I actually thought for a brief moment that maybe I would even leave early. Woo hoo, a rare bonus! I planned to stop at my favorite nursery and buy some fall flowers to plant today. I decided the girls and I were going to have leftovers for dinner, and I looked forward to a relaxing evening and four days off.

But, with only 26 minutes left (told you I was watching the clock!) I ended up on the phone with one of the saddest sounding men I have ever talked to. The details don’t matter, but I was fighting tears talking to this grandfather. I did all I could to help him, finally left the office around 4:15, thought of him all the way home, made a few phone calls to some folks I thought could offer him some support, and then I stopped at Walmart to buy kitty litter. As I grabbed a cart and walked through the crowded aisles, dodging displays of creepy Halloween décor (which I DESPISE by the way!) on my way back to the pet department, I couldn’t help but think about the mundane task I was in the midst of while just a few miles away, hearts were breaking as a family waits to say goodbye to a beloved baby boy who is only five days old. I couldn’t help but think about that very devastated grandfather, who shared with me that he is a deacon in his Catholic church and a former hospital chaplain, someone who is used to comforting others in their sad times. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he sobbed to me that he is now feeling shattered, fragile and powerless to help his daughter or himself. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much his words and tears conveyed the love he has for his daughter, son in law, and tiny grandson. I also thought about how in all of my years at Share, this was the first time that a grandfather was my first contact with a family. Maybe that is why I felt so shaken, I don’t know.

To be honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings when I walked by a display of fall dishes and towels and fake sparkly pumpkins and leaves set up on shelves in the middle of an aisle, but a small stack of white plates with painted fall leaves caught my eye, so I stopped to look. The plate on top had the word “Blessings” scrolled across it in a thin, gold font. I picked it up to see how much it was, and underneath was a plate that said “Thankful” in the same gold print with similar leaves.

I couldn’t resist, and I bought all four of the “Thankful” plates and the only “Blessings” plate that was left on the shelf. I came home and put them on my dining room table and kitchen island.

 

I just love them, and I plan to see if I can find a few more at a different Walmart.

 I think that I mostly do an acceptable job of feeling and expressing gratitude for even the small things in my life that are good, but I am far from perfect and life’s crap does get in the way and cloud my judgment at times. Probably more times than I care to admit. These two experiences of the past week have been a reality check for me…sort of a wake-up call that has forced me to put things in perspective and compelled me to focus my energy and attention where it should be. Those little $3 Walmart plates were just what I needed yesterday to remind me that while my life has been a bit topsy turvy lately, I have so much to be grateful for and so many blessings to count.

Today, I am filled with gratitude for a boss who thinks it is important to take an extra day off when you have been working above and beyond your normal hours. I am going to make good use of that gift and enjoy the glorious fall day that today is by going to one of my favorite places—Theis Farm—to buy some apples, fall flowers and hopefully some cute little baking pumpkins. I’m going to make one of my husband’s favorite meals (Chicken Alfredo) and homemade bread since he has been out of town all week. Finally, I am going to make my dog very grateful and take him for a walk around Creve Coeur Lake. While I am enjoying this day, there is a grieving grandfather who will be with me, but that is okay. While my heart is heavy, it is also humbly overflowing with thankfulness for so many things. 

The Only Place I Want to Be

Right now, today, I am in the one and only place that I seem to want to be all the time anymore…my home.

I don’t know when or how or why I’ve turned into such a homebody. I used to love being out and about, taking walks around the neighborhood stopping to chat with acquaintances along the way. I used to love walking around the mall window shopping, or idly browsing the aisles at Target and Hobby Lobby. Crazy as it sounds, I even used to love going to the grocery store.

I don’t know if it is because the past few months have been busy and stressful and I’ve taken so many trips since spring, but right now, I just want to hang out in my house, bake cookies, pull out all of my pumpkins and colorful leaf garlands and bedeck everything for fall. The weather has been fairly delightful this summer with only a few miserably hot and humid days sprinkled in amongst mostly glorious ones, and on days that are cooler, like today, I want to accept Mother Nature’s beckoning to sit on my porch sipping coffee and listening to the locusts that are out in abundance right now. That mating call that can be so loud at times just signifies summer I think. I know some people find it annoying, but I don’t. And when I say “cooler,” don’t get me wrong…it’s not cool by any means. It’s still 90, but the steamy humidity is blissfully absent—perfect summer days. The kind that make me wish I lived somewhere warm all year round.

I so enjoy being at home that I almost feel resentful when I have to leave for some reason. There were too many evenings the past two weeks that I had to be out after dinner and all I could think about was getting home. This week, I looked so forward to today because I knew that I had absolutely no place I needed to be that I didn’t want to go. The house is clean, I only have one basket of laundry waiting in the basement, and while I have some ‘work’ work to do this weekend, I don’t even care. Because I am home.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel like being a recluse and shutting myself off from the world, I am just enjoying being here.

So, this afternoon, I spent some time in the basement unstacking dusty tubs searching for my fall décor. I couldn’t find most of it—no idea where my husband put it—but I did find a few things just sufficient to get me started. Even though it is still officially summer, once September arrives, I am always anxious to transition my house from summer to fall, both inside and out. I didn’t do much today, just enough to put me in the mood for crisp, cool days, sweaters, simmering pots of yummy soup, apple pie and all things pumpkin.

I’ve been making an effort these days to use some of things I love in different ways, and as I was decking out my dining room table with white pumpkins, bittersweet garland and candles, I happened to glance over and notice the small collection of milk glass vases on a shelf in my living room. I just knew they would look really pretty with sprays of orange flowers. I love milk glass, and it was kind of fun using a few vases in a way other than just letting them gather dust on a shelf.

 

I also bought myself some sunflowers for the kitchen counter this afternoon. I adore sunflowers, and I buy them whenever I can because they make me smile and remind me of a dear friend.

The yellow flowers in these vases have been there most of the summer, and I almost replaced them with something more fallish, but I decided I really like how cheerful they are. And, look at that cute little yellow carnival glass sunflower bowl--I bought it a few weeks ago at an antique mall here in St. Charles, and it was only $3!  

 

You can’t tell from the photo, but I found a picture of the kids at a pumpkin patch taken the fall that Rachel was two and put it in a frame. I’m sure they will all roll their eyes when they see it, but do I care? Nope! :) They are all so cute and little, and I really miss our annual trips to the pumpkin patch. Buying pumpkins at the grocery store just is not the same as having the kids run through heaps of pumpkins picking out their favorites.

I have a few more projects up my sleeve, but that’s the extent of my fall flourishes for now. As much as I love summer, with fall approaching, I am looking forward to cozying things up, trying some new recipes, and finishing some painting projects. This is my last free weekend for a while, and I am soaking up and enjoying the peace and tranquility in my house right now as much as I can. While it’s not quite “sit on the porch in flannel pants” weather, fall is in the air, and I even have a simmering pot of potato cheese soup on the stove and a bag of apples ready to be made into a pie tomorrow. This will all have to be my fall fix for now.