Whatever

No, I have not been possessed by a teenaged girl with an attitude. My home has possibly been possessed by a teenaged girl or two, and maybe a boy who is no longer a teenager with an attitude, but not me.

This post wasn’t inspired by teenaged girls at all. It was inspired by a wooden plaque in my bathroom.

I know. I sure am inspired by crazy things sometimes, aren’t I?

This really isn’t as crazy as it sounds though.

Last summer, I redecorated my downstairs bathroom in a beachy theme. It wasn’t a total renovation or anything—I just painted the walls a shade of blue that reminds me of the Gulf of Mexico on a sunny day. I also purchased a few accessories that fit with the theme and color scheme and framed a few of my favorite beach photos for the walls.

And while it has nothing to do with the beach, I bought this plaque at Hobby Lobby because I liked the quote and it matched.

I liked the quote quite a lot. But, while it’s been in the bathroom for almost a year, I never really gave much thought to the words or the sentiment until a couple of days ago when I reached for the towel hanging below it to dry my hands.

Whatever is true

Whatever is noble

Whatever is right

Whatever is pure

Whatever is lovely

Whatever is admirable…

Think on these things.

On that particular day, those words really resonated with me, perhaps because have been thinking a lot and talking a lot lately about happiness with Justin, how happiness can’t come from someone else, and we often have to make our own. I told him that sometimes, I really have to force myself to do things that make me happy, even when I really don’t want to, but at the same time, I don’t want to be miserable. I told him that he can’t let what someone else does, that is out of his control, make him happy or unhappy.

Yeah, I don’t always practice what I preach. Sometimes, I find myself saying things to him that make me go hmmmm….I used to be pretty good at forcing myself to think happy thoughts and do happy things, but I don’t always do the best at that anymore, and I told him that sometimes, we have to work harder at being happy than we do at others. I’ve told him that it is at the precise times when we are most unhappy that it is the most important that we do that hard work. When we do, it’s worth the effort it takes.  I told him that very often, it is much easier to focus on negative things than positive things, but sometimes, you can’t help yourself. I was also sure to tell him that sometimes, the more you think on the negative and bad things, the more likely it is that you will focus your attention on those things. It’s a vicious circle, one that makes you feel worse when you get caught up in it.  

That’s some pretty fantastical rambling right there, eh? That is where my mind and heart have been lately.

The timing was just right for that sign to catch my eye on that day. Those words really made me stop and think. And they made me want to write for the first time in quite a while.

I know, I haven’t written here for a long, long while. I haven’t written anything at all for a long while, and it’s making me feel very out of sorts because normally, I love to write. Most people who know me know that.

So why is it that when I have so much I want to say, so many things that have been happening, so very many feelings and thoughts I want to get out of my head, those are the times I have the hardest time of all actually writing? Aren’t people who love to write supposed to process things by, oh, actually writing about them?

Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I just sit down and write the things I want to write?

That is a question I have asked myself so many times over the past 6 or so months. I want the words to flow. On my knees in front of my computer, I beg them to. (Not really on my knees, but mentally, yes. I am ON MY KNEES. Begging.) But the words—they don’t come. 

Tonight, that plaque in my bathroom has inspired me. And a quiet house has inspired me. There is no one here who needs me to fix anything, cook anything, wash anything or clean anything. No advice needs to be given, no hurting hearts need to be soothed. All is calm and quiet. I don’t even have a light on in my house other than the small lamp on my desk. The only sound is the quiet hum of the dishwasher. I was sitting outside, but other noises—the hum of swarming mosquitos and the sound of my hand slapping them away--drove me indoors.

It’s been a rough few months around here. Really, really, incredibly rough.  No other way to say it. It’s been a bigger challenge than I thought it would be having Justin home. I naively thought that once he was home, I would stop worrying about how he is doing. I was wrong. So very wrong.  I’ve had worries weighing so heavily on me that the usual bag of tricks I dip into when I need a distraction or a knot dissolved from my gut hasn’t worked so well for me. I have tried. Really, I have. Although to be honest, some days, I’m so mentally drained that I don’t even try, and that is a new thing for me.

Hence the topic of this post. As I really noticed and paid attention to that quote painted on that small piece of wood in my bathroom, I realized that in my quest to force myself to focus on some good things in the midst of chaos, uncertainty and worry I have been focusing on those things without even realizing I was.

True, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

True:   authentic, genuine, sincere, dependable, not deceitful

While it’s been oh so difficult to do at times, I am being true to myself, even on bad days when I melt down and cry. I have given myself permission to be wherever I am on any given day. Mostly though, I am being true to the kind of mother I have always dreamt of being—not just the fun mom who takes her kids to do fun things and welcomes everyone into our home and bakes yummy treats—but the mom that my kids know they can count on, the mom that they come to when they are hurting, the mom they know will always be there and always love them no matter what stupid thing they have done or what they want to talk about. (Disclaimer:  While I have always strived to be that kind of mom, it’s not an easy thing to do. Some days, I think I would much prefer to bury my head in the sand and not know what is going on in their lives. But then again, at the end of the day, it’s nice to know I am “that kind” of mom that I always want to be). It is surely not easy  to sit and watch your son cry, but I’m so happy that he knows he can, that he knows he can depend on me when he’s having a rough time.

 

Noble: high minded, loftiness of character that scorns the petty or mean, suggests greatness of mind or soul, especially as manifested in generosity

Several things about my life lately fall into this category. For one, I have turned into the world’s greatest cheerleader. While I am often screaming inside and the Mama Bear in me wants to punch someone in the face, I am keeping those thoughts to myself and telling whatever child is involved at the time to take the high road, not stoop to someone else’s low level, give the person you really want to punch the benefit of the doubt, don’t burn any bridges, blah blah blah…

Something else I find myself doing a great deal of lately is focusing on doing something for someone else when I am feeling especially bitchy and grouchy. It really does my soul good to find a way to brighten someone else’s day. I find it especially fulfilling to do something nice for someone who is the cause of me feeling bitchy and grouchy. I figure it’s a much better use of my time and energy than dreaming of punching them in the face. J

Right: fitting or appropriate, in accordance with what is good, proper or just, to put in proper order, condition or relationship, appropriate, good, honest, deserved, honorable, moral, proper

See cheerleader paragraph above.

As for “putting in proper order,” I spend a great deal of time prioritizing what I should be doing, stressing about and/or worrying about. I spend a great deal of time asking myself, “Will this matter a year from now?” If the answer is no, I do my best to let that worry go. If the answer is yes, then it’s pretty high on my priority list to do what I can to take care of it and make it better if I there is any way I can.

Pure: free from extraneous matter, simple or homogeneous

I am definitely using my time to find simple things to enjoy:

Coffee in my favorite mug on my favorite porch rocking chair—the way I force myself to spend a part of the morning, even if it’s going to be a crazy busy day and I really don’t have time for that. I make the time. And while I am porch sitting in the morning, I try to banish all worries and negative thoughts and focus instead on the baby bunnies nibbling the grass.

Spending an early Sunday morning watching The Breakfast Club.
Teaching Lauren the fine art of porch sitting. She often will come sit with me at night, and even when we don’t talk and she is on her phone, I enjoy it immensely.

 

The mouth-watering aroma of overflowing pots of herbs on my deck. I got a food processor for my birthday that is patiently waiting to make oodles of pesto. Mmmmm….

Freshly picked blueberries.

 

Shopping for St. Louisy stuff for my brother.

Visiting sites around St. Louis taking photos of 250^th birthday cakes that are scattered around the city.

 

Decorating for Rachel's 16th birthday party.

Stopping on the way home from work to walk along the river.

Spending a weekend with my brother, who I didn’t see for almost 30 years.

 

A sweet birthday card, perhaps the best I’ve ever been given. So sweet in fact that I carry it in my purse and probably have the note written on the inside memorized. It was given to me by my boss and was so unexpected, and it makes me smile.

Lovely

As is typical for me, many of the things I do to distract myself, keep my mind off of my troubles, falls into the “lovely” category. Words I found that are synonymous with lovely are delightful, delicious, pretty, sweet, adorable, scrumptious, pleasant, pleasing. I love all of those words! They all have a delightful ring to them don’t they? And they have all filled my days with one pleasant sweet or delightful thing or another. Let’s start with delicious. Of course! Fortunately, I have not lost my desire to cook and bake! I haven’t taken any photos, but I cook up a storm. It is still my favorite of all time stress reliever.

Here are some other lovely things and thoughts:

 

Each May, I host a bracelet making night for the moms in our support group. It’s a fun night that everyone has really come to enjoy, most especially me! This year, I bought an assortment of sea glass beads and pearls for the bracelet, and wrote a little reflection about sea glass and how it begins as broken shards of glass that are tumbled and tossed about in the ocean and dashed against rocks to eventually become things of beauty. The evening was so enjoyable with lots of laughter amongst the tears, and I truly loved seeing the bracelets everyone created. I made my own jewelry, and I love it and wear it as often as I can. It reminds me that the difficult times in life are part of the beauty of life, even if I hate those times. Wearing it reminds me to think of other times in my life that were so challenging and hard and how those times shaped me into the person I am today.

I wrote before about how I taught myself how to crochet this past winter. I have enjoyed it so very much, and some days, sitting down with a basket of yarn and a crochet hook is the best part of my day. One of the gals on our Angel Ball committee loved my worry blanket so much that she is paying me to make her one. The interesting thing is that she crochets and knits like a wizard and could certainly make one because it has to be the easiest thing in the world to make, but she said she will treasure it more knowing that I made it for her. The only instructions she gave were to make it with less yellow than mine and more pink. I love how it is turning out.

The blue striped afghan is something I am so completely enjoying working on right now. I chose each of the colors based on some of my favorite beach photos: One from York Beach in Maine, one from Pensacola Beach in Florida, and one from Lake Michigan. I am in love with how it is turning out, and I love the memories it brings to mind as I am working on it.

 

Speaking of the beach…

I decorated my dining room table in a beachy theme. I love it, and it has inspired me to stop using my dining room as a dumping ground for all things I’m too lazy to put away or find a home for. I just pulled together some of my blue glassware and used some sand, shells and sea glass left over from my bracelet making night.

Working in the yard and bringing it out of the winter doldrums into its summery life.

 

 

Back in May, my boss, who knows I enjoy crafty endeavors, asked me if I would make a set of cards for special thing she wanted to do at our yearly all day staff meeting. She gave me instructions to make a set of cards with each person’s name on it, blank on the back. She wanted 9 cards with each person’s name along with a little decorated envelope to put them in. Each person was given a set of 9 cards, one with each person’s name on it. Then, we had to write something to that person on their card, then give them to each other. Each person ended up with 9 cards containing things written about them. It was such a lovely thing to read what each of my coworkers wrote on my cards. I’m sure it didn’t come as a shock to anyone that I ended up in tears. Not only did I have an absolute BLAST making the cards, my coworkers loved them.

Of course, no post from me would be complete without a beautiful sunrise photo now would it?

 

Admirable:  execellent, first rate, praiseworthy, valuable, wonderful

I will end this with a photo of something that could fit into each of these categories I have written about tonight.

 

I just love this photo and stare at it every day.  I’ve run out of steam and words for now. I think this photo says it all, though, with no other words needed. (Or, that’s a copout because I just can’t think of any!)

Until next time…I will embed these words in my brain and think on them as I continue to always try to dance in the rain.