A Perfect Spring Weekend

Well, almost anyway. 

This weekend, it was almost easy to forget what crazy times we are all living in. 

Almost.

Some days, spring really does seem to have sprung. Other days, it is wintery again, but that is normal in Missouri. Thankfully, the springtime days have been exceptional with temperatures in the 60s, clear blue skies, puffy clouds, light breezes. Some days have been perfection. 

Friday was one of those perfection days. The girls and I went to Laurel Park to walk, and it was just what I needed. It was warm and sunny, and we walked almost 2 miles up and down hilly trails, through budding trees. It was so calm and quiet we even heard a woodpecker. I worried there would be too many people there, but it was strangely vacant. Other than the dumb mom who was playing with her kid on the playground even though it was roped off with yellow caution tape. 

Friday night, I made us gyros for dinner. Start to finish, it was all from scratch. It was labor intensive, but all things that I love…kneading bread, chopping vegetables, stirring sauces, frying things. It was all delicious, though my pita bread making skills can use some work in the future.

Yesterday, it poured copious amounts of rain most of the day, and I didn’t even mind. Shocking, I know. Rather than sit on my lazy butt and watch Netflix all day, which is my go to activity lately, I decided to go into the hell hole that my home office has been for the past year or so and get it straightened up. Thanks to my Happy Songs Amazon playlist and kids who were willing to help me haul things to the basement and to the trash can, it is in great shape now. 

Today was the perfect kind of Sunday. I made omelets for breakfast. Well, that is sort of a fib. They were supposed to be omelets, but they turned into scrambled eggs because Tony and the kids were trying to get out of here, and I was trying to hurry, I was stressed, and you can’t make a proper omelet in a hurry. No matter, breakfast was good anyway. 

The sun shined all day. I went for another good long walk. I sat out on my porch and read a new book. 

I could almost pretend it is just any normal April weekend.

But it is not. 

Today is 7 weeks from when life went sort of haywire. Seven weeks ago tonight, my boss texted us and said we would be working from home until April 6. We are still working from home, and the days have started to tumble into one another ever since, even though each day is so different. Each day, sometimes each hour, has a different focus on my:

*job

*mental health

*physical health

*house

*family

Some days, I focus on nothing at all, and those are the hardest days. Because those are the days when I feel lonely and adrift.

Some days, I feel resentful that I am the one in this house that keeps everyone’s shit together. It reminds me of the times when the kids were little, and the tornado sirens sounded and we went to the basement.  Even though I was terrified myself, I had to remain calm so the kids wouldn’t freak out. Even thought I WAS freaking out inside.

That is what this feels like. I am freaking out inside, while trying to keep things as normal as I can for everyone else.

And it is mentally exhausting. I am barely hanging on myself.

Isolation, Day 8,000,039

I mean, day 39.

The death toll has risen so much in the past few days. When I posted here almost a week ago, the death toll was just over 32,00. Right now, it is more than 46,000.

Yet our president says we have plateaued, and the numbers are going down, and we should reopen the country. Some states ARE re-opening, even though cases are going up, not down.

I want everyone to get back to work. I am not enjoying anything about this. No one I know is enjoying anything about this. Everyone wants their lives to return to the days when we could go to Kohl’s or out to eat or on vacation. I don’t like to think about how long it might be until we are able to do those things again. I miss my Mexican food! I want to go to La Tia and Ponchos on Main Street in St. Charles and eat out on the deck overlooking the river while drinking a frosty margarita. I want to go to Atlanta for my brother’s birthday in a few weeks. I want to go to the beach in Florida this summer. I want to get my freaking hair cut!

But I do not think that non-essential businesses should be opening right now when in many states, the cases are still increasing. They are still increasing in Missouri, and thankfully, our governor has said he won’t even try to open anything until May 4.

I am sort of settling into a routine, though I will soon be out of work, and I don’t know how I will fill my days then. I have projects to do around the house, but I cannot motivate myself to do any of them. A few weeks ago, I bought paint for the bathroom upstairs, but I haven’t started it yet. Thankfully, the weather is starting to be more spring-like, so I am going for walks more. I am hopeful that the blue skies and sunshine will seep into me and give me some energy to do more than sit on my tush. 

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about having a word of the day to focus my mind on. I have not done so well with that every day, but I have been focusing on the word peace lately. Mainly, doing things each day that bring me peace and comfort. I don’t feel at peace every day, and most of the time, I don’t even know why I am out of sorts because there is no real reason. But I am trying to find things to do that at least bring some peace to my life. Some days, it is more of a challenge than others to do this. Some days, all of these things are a whole LOT of work and are not as simple for me to pull off as they may sound.

*I have been writing a lot. Writing forces me to slow down and center my thoughts. Some days those thoughts are all over the place, but I know that is okay. I am writing something for work on dealing with anxiety during this uncertain time, and just doing that has helped me focus on things that settle my mind.

*I have started meditating again. Last spring, I started meditating and kept with it regularly each day throughout the summer and fall, but I gradually stopped. I have found that on the days when I feel the most jittery and antsy and unable to be calm, those are the times that sitting for 10 minutes with my eyes closed focused only on my breathing or a guided app is the best thing for me to start out my morning with.

*Cooking always centers me. I finally found some yeast at the grocery store, and I have plans to try some new bread recipes. I made homemade marshmallows and turned them into s’mores cups. Oh, my goodness, they are tasty.

*I made a couple of new playlists on my Amazon account that I listen to each day. I made one that I called Happy Songs, full of music that energizes me and makes me smile. Everything from Happy to Sweet Caroline to the Macarena. And amazingly, I still remember how to do the Macarena, and when it came on the other day, I found myself doing the Macarena in my kitchen. Thankfully, no one was home to make fun of me. Honestly, it was the best and most lighthearted I have felt in weeks. Music really makes me feel less stressed and relaxed, no matter what I am listening to.

*Looking at my empty planner was starting to depress me, especially when I noticed all the things I added weeks or even months ago that have now been cancelled. So, over the weekend, I started keeping a list in my planner of what I accomplish each day using colorful pens. Doing this has made me focus on what I am doing instead of what I am not doing.

Finally, what has brought me the most peace the past few days is something simple. As much as I try to keep the television off and not watch the news, I can’t keep myself from watching the White House updates each day, even though they mostly end up with me wanting to throw things at the tv. I discovered quite by accident that if I crochet and have a glass of wine, I am much calmer watching these news briefings.

I am finding some days more challenging than others. But for now, I am going to keep on trying to find peace and joy in my days, even when I don’t want to. Especially when I don’t want to. 

It's Gonna Be Okay, Mary Ellen

A couple of weeks ago, my brother in law called me. At the time, we were barely two weeks into this stay-at-home gig (we are now on day 35. EEEEK). We were having a fun conversation, talking about all the scary things that are happening while at the same time trying to be a bit silly, because sometimes, you just have to laugh. 

It was fun and lighthearted until I ended up in a downward spiral of all the “what ifs” I could imagine. He quietly listened to me, and then said, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen.” 

That broke the mood and made me laugh. It was perfect at the time. Especially since in the weeks prior, I had often thought of the Walton’s and wondered if that is the kind of life we can expect when we come out of this. But he didn’t know that. Yeah, like I said, downward spiral. 

I have thought of that conversation and that comment often over the past few weeks, especially when I am having a bad day of worry and anxiety. On those days, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen,” is my mantra. There are times I believe it. Other times I do not believe it at all. 

On day 35 of staying in, there are over 32,000 deaths, and there seems to be no end in sight. This time last week when I wrote, there were just under 13,000. Again, I cannot wrap my brain around that. It is unfathomable.

Despite that, somedays, I cope well, and I am okay. Really okay. On those days, I sit outside and do nothing but let the sun warm my face while I sip coffee or a glass of wine. I go about my life cooking, cleaning, singing to music playing in my kitchen. I bundle up and go for walks and pay attention to birds singing and spring flowers blooming. I read a magazine or watch a couple of episodes of The Great British Baking Show. I make homemade peanut butter eggs and decorate Easter cupcakes. 

Other days, I am not coping well at all and feel as if all the work I have done the past year to get a grip on my anxiety is unraveling. On those days, I try to be gentle with myself. I remind myself that when things first started to go sideways, that first week seemed impossible to get through. Yet here I am at the end of 5 weeks in.

On the days when it all feels like too damn much, I try to remember the days when I feel almost normal, when life doesn’t feel so full of uncertainty and fear. But if I have learned anything these past few weeks it is that life is ALWAYS uncertain and fragile; we just tend to not think about how uncertain it really is until something disastrous happens.

Is it all really gonna be okay?  I don’t know. It will be or it won’t be, but for now, I’m going to keep trying to embrace the good days, or even just the good moments, when they come along. And thankfully, right now at least, there are plenty good moments. And on the days that I struggle, I’m going to keep telling myself, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen.” 

And now, I’m going to share some pics of moments I embraced this past week. 

My girls spending time this weekend doing a puzzle together

Enjoying time in the kitchen making Easter treats

I love that the girls still want to dye Easter eggs

 The beginning stage of a screened in room under my deck

This sweet kitty who has been visiting

A new crocheted blanket I started. I chose the colors based on some of my favorite sunrise photos, and I’m calling it Sunshine on a Cloudy day. 

For now, things are okay.