Following my Heart

Over the years that I have been writing this little blog, my posts have at times been influenced by things I read on other blogs. Perhaps a title, or a quote, or a photograph, or sometimes just a sentence or two speaks to me and takes my mind down paths it might otherwise not have gone.  In fact, the title of my blog was inspired by a quote I kept reading various places at the time I was starting to write here. If a post I have written only came to be because of something I’ve read or seen somewhere else, I have always prefaced what I write with the inspiration behind it.

This morning, I was once again motivated to write based on something I read on a blog I have only recently started following. The author of the blog, Sarah, is someone I actually met many years ago when I first began attending national perinatal bereavement conferences with my coworkers. However, in the past year I have gotten to know her better since becoming part of the board of a professional organization that she is the past president of.  I have also gotten to know her in a different way through the stories she shares on her blog, and I so admire and enjoy her writing and the very eloquent way she shares her life and thoughts. Her blog, Small Points of Light, has not only become one of my favorite to read, but it has become one I check several times a week, hoping for a new post. One of the things I most appreciate about her blog is that she frequently has a similar thought process to mine, as in very routine things about her day can trigger thoughts and reflections that are much deeper than the event that prompted them. I love that, because my thought processes occasionally go the same way. Although, I do have to say that as a writer, she is definitely more “polished” than I am, and whereas I sometimes have a difficult time neatly wrapping it all up at the end in a way that makes some kind of sense and order from all of my rambling thoughts, she does so quite beautifully.

So, back to this morning when I read her latest post called, “Magnetism.” She started off by telling a story about how once long ago, she was leaving a conference on a Sunday and rather than head the direction she needed to be going to get home, she turned the complete opposite direction, even though she knew she should go home. She then wrote:

 Given a choice between what is logical and what draws my heart, though, my heart generally wins.

All I could think was, “Wow, that is SO me.” Not that I have ever thought of myself using those same words, but what my heart wants and is drawn to generally does win out over logic most of the time. Like this morning when I began writing this…logic was quite forcefully telling me that I ought to be doing a number of things on a beautiful Sunday morning, not sitting in pajamas when it was almost noon typing away at my computer while the dog sleeps  at my feet in the band of sunshine warming him (and my cold feet!) underneath my desk.

Logically, I should be:

a). finishing the daunting task of cleaning and organizing my pantry. I started doing that on Friday afternoon, and despite working on it in short bursts of time over the past three days, I am still not finished with it. Worse yet, because of that project, my kitchen is in disarray, and I need to get it all back in order before the work week begins tomorrow.

b). baking the banana nut muffins that I made the batter for, that is now chillin’ in the fridge because I decided to do some blog reading while I waited for the first batch to bake.

c). putting away the 5 baskets of laundry that I managed to wash and fold yesterday, but are still sitting here next to me.

d). cleaning up the mess I left in my kitchen after making banana nut muffin batter and preparing a roast to put in the crock pot for tonight’s dinner. Between all that and the mess from my pantry cleaning…well, trust me when I say that my kitchen is a DISASTER. 

e). getting dressed and ready to go do the week’s grocery shopping.

I’m sure I could think of more things, but those are the most important tasks I SHOULD be trying to accomplish right this moment. Obviously, my heart “won” in its desire to sit and write rather than do those necessary chores. They will just have to wait.

The ironic thing about reading that particular post from Sarah on this day is that I have been thinking a great deal lately about times that I have done something completely against what logically I thought I should be doing. I think that topic has been on my mind a lot recently because this month is the 10 year anniversary of when I started working at Share. When I was offered my job, it was totally unexpected. I had happily been a stay-at-home mom for nearly 13 years and volunteering at Share for almost two years. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted a job, and on a whim, after thinking about it for several days and being prepared to say no, I took it. I was terrified. I didn’t think I was cut out to be a working mom. I worried about how drastically my life would change, maybe not for the better…but I took it for the sole reason that I had grown to love the organization. That decision that I made with my heart instead of my head turned out to be an excellent one, one that led me to a very rewarding job that I can’t imagine not having, personal growth in ways I never could have imagined either, truly remarkable people, and best of all, a very dear friend who I can’t fathom not having in my life. I have accomplished things in the past 10 years that had never even been a blip on my radar.

After reading Sarah’s post this morning I have been unable to get that sentence above out of my head. I have learned that if I can’t get something out of my head, that is my signal that I need to put whatever is happening at the time on hold if at all possible and let whatever it is flow through my mind to my computer via my fingers and keyboard.

This morning, my flowing thoughts led to pondering other times when what drew my heart won out over what my brain said was the logical, maybe even “safe” thing to do. One big one happened when I was in college. At the end of my freshman year, at a family reunion, my aunt and uncle who lived in Colorado asked me if the following summer, after I had finished my associate’s degree at the local community college in Olney, if I would be interested in living with them and being a nanny to their three young sons so that my aunt could go with my uncle when he traveled for business. Without hesitation, I immediately said, “YES!!” I loved Colorado, and I had dreamed of attending Colorado State in Fort Collins, where they lived. However, I was paying my own way through college, and out-of-state-tuition was far beyond my reach. By living with them, I would be considered a Colorado resident after a year and would be able to attend CSU.

We made many plans that weekend, and the countdown to June 1983, when I would move to Colorado, was on! I talked to my aunt on the phone often, and through the winter, I excitedly thought about the adventure it would be. They owned a condo at Copper Mountain, and I looked forward to weekends spent there learning how to ski. They lived in a large, beautiful home nestled in the foothills of the Rockies; the mountains were a sight to behold from their kitchen window. Moving to Colorado was all I thought and talked about. Then, for some reason that I have still not ever been able to understand or figure out, in March of that year, I suddenly changed my mind, and everyone, most of all my uncle and aunt, were shocked. I quickly filled out an application for Eastern Illinois University, where several of my friends would be going in the fall. I found an apartment and moved to Charleston, IL in late August. I did second guess myself from time to time and wonder if I was making a huge mistake, but I quickly settled into campus life, made friends, became a little sister to a fraternity, changed my major from journalism to psychology and met my future husband at the end of my first year at EIU. It seemed I had my “answer” as to why fate stepped in and caused me to follow my heart at a time when everyone thought it was the dumbest thing I ever did.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I once again followed my heart rather than doing the “smart” thing. Tony and I were married in June 1986, six months after I had graduated from college with a bachelor in psychology and minor in sociology. Tony was still in school, due to graduate in August, and he had a job at the local radio station. I had been accepted into a graduate program and was working full time until classes started in the fall. We were married, we had a nice, furnished apartment near campus; our immediate future seemed to be settled and coming together nicely. Life was good, and one day, Tony came home and said to me, “What would you think about moving to Omaha after I graduate?” My first reaction was, “Why the hell would I want to move to OMAHA??” I knew his sister, brother and their spouses and children lived near there in Council Bluffs, IA, but that was all I knew about Omaha. I couldn’t imagine living there, but he was so excited about it that I gave in. I told myself, and everyone else told me too, how ridiculous our plan was. We didn’t have jobs lined up, we had nowhere to live yet--we literally left  Charleston with all of our worldly possessions in a 1982 blue Chevette. If you don’t know what a Chevette looks like, Google it. It is comparable today to a…well, I can’t even think of a car it’s comparable to. Bigger than a smart car, but smaller than a Ford Focus. We arrived at his sister’s house just after dawn the next morning. I spent most of the all-night drive through Illinois and Iowa wondering what the hell was wrong with me, why did I keep making decisions that defied all sense of what is “smart?” How could I have agreed to leave a safe, secure future for something so unknown? What if we couldn’t find jobs? What if we ended up back home within a short time, hearing everyone say, “I told you that was a dumb thing to do!?”

In the end, everything worked out. Within two weeks, we both had jobs, and within a month, we found a fabulous apartment, started buying furniture, began making friends, and settled into a life that again, I had never imagined for myself.

While those are two huge, life-altering examples of times I have followed my heart instead of my head, there are many smaller, more insignificant times, where my decision seemed to be a rash, not-very-well-thought-out one.

Like the time Tony and I decided on a snowy Saturday morning in March 1999 to take a trip to Florida, and by 5 PM two days later, we had packed the kids (who were 7, 4, 3 and 9 months) into our minivan and drove all night and most of the next day to Sarasota without even so much as a hotel reservation. What a grand adventure THAT turned out to be…I think that trip is what instilled a love for the beach in our children, and in me. We also discovered our very favorite vacation spot and hotel, one we returned to several years in a row. Our kids still talk about the Helmsley Sandcastle and want to go back there some day.

Or the time when my heart drew me to sit down at my computer one winter night and book a flight to visit my very dear friend, who I had spent the previous three years getting to know through hours of instant messaging and talking on the phone, but who I had never met in person. I will not ever forget the night I booked that flight, sent her the confirmation email, then spent the next 3 ½ months teeter-tottering back and forth between feelings of excitement and feelings of, “Oh shit, what have I done?” After spending a few minutes trying not to hyperventilate in the airport bathroom when the day finally arrived and I flew out to meet her, I spent a wonderful weekend getting to know a family who has become as dear to me as my own.

Or the time this summer when on a whim, I loaded up my girls and took a road trip to Minneapolis to go shopping at Mall of America. Again, so many people thought I was crazy, most especially my husband, but we spent a fun-filled five days driving, stopping when we wanted to stop, shopping, talking, eating whatever we felt like eating. I can’t wait to do it again, although I suspect it won’t have quite the same feeling of adventure as that first, so spontaneous trip when the girls didn’t even know where we were going until we got there.

There are many more “ors.”

Countless times throughout my life, I have been criticized for making snap decisions, and I have been told that I need to think things through more carefully. Mostly, I have agreed and wished I wasn’t so flighty at times. However, since reading Sarah’s post this morning, I have a new understanding for this very important part of the person I am. I realize that while it may seem as if I don’t think things through properly, indeed I do…and at the times when my heart and head are at odds, I usually go with my heart. For the most part, it hasn’t led me astray; I realize that when  I do follow my heart, things mostly work out. I’d even go so far as to say that there have also been times when I did follow my head instead of my heart, and things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to at all.

Near the end of her post, Sarah recalls the day when she followed her heart and went on an unknown adventure rather than doing what most people would do and head home after a long weekend of working:  She writes how she was drawn to  places of meaning in her life, and that each time something like that happens, it draws her closer to understanding why she is drawn to certain places at certain times.

As I try to wrap this up and tie together loose ends, which is what I always struggle to do no matter what I am writing, Sarah’s words are etched onto my brain. While at the time I may sometimes have seemed to be doing completely ridiculous things, I do eventually “get” why I was drawn to those things.  My decision to not move to Colorado all those years ago led me to my husband and the family I now have. My decision 10 years ago to take on a job that I wasn’t sure I wanted and was quite sure I wasn’t qualified for has enriched my life through people and experiences in ways that have profoundly changed me. Even the seemingly less important times that I have followed my heart have made me who I am and inspired me to be even more inclined to let my heart guide me. Even though I have “wasted” entirely too much time today writing this, I’m glad I read Sarah’s post this morning. During many times throughout my life, I have wished I could think more logically and use the sense God gave me in a better way. But, maybe I have been. Maybe the sense that God gave me is the sense to go with my heart when my heart and brain are at odds.

 

Photo Dump--aka Favorite Photos and Memories from 2013

This morning, as part of my effort to spend the coming few months organizing and purging my house and life, I started going through photos on my iPhone to clean them out and organize them in some manageable way. My phone is only a year old, purchased in early January last year, and I was shocked to realize how many pictures I have on it…1,394 to be exact. In only a year! I really enjoyed scrolling through them and reminiscing, and many of the photos I forgot I had taken.  While I wish I had been more organized with my photos all year, scrolling through them was like taking a stroll through the past year. I was able to delete many of them, but most, I kept, even if they aren’t the greatest photos in the world. 

 I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite photos and memories from 2013.

These first two are some of my most treasured-- Justin’s graduation-from-boot-camp day. He had a really rough time at the end, and we wondered if this day would come. Watching him march in with his division was a sight I will not ever forget.

Lauren took this picture of a sunset in February when I was travelling home from a day at my parent’s. She took it from the car window looking out over a field near Auxvasse, MO.

 

I really love this next photo, even though it is a picture of snow that was taken in late April. I travelled to a conference in Minneapolis, and the city got dumped on with snow while we were there. It was so post-card pretty, but I don’t think I could ever enjoy living somewhere that it snows this much at the end of April. It was a great trip though, with lots of fun memories made.

A special evening making bracelets with the moms from our support group. I love being able to share something I love doing, and I know they all enjoy it just as much as I do.

Our new kitten. Who is about 10 times that size now. Maybe 20. He is a huge, hairy beast of a cat who we have all grown to love. Most of the time anyway. He is also an awesome snuggler on cold days, and for that, I think I will keep him around.

The girls having a homework burning ritual with their friends on the last day of school.

At the beginning of June, I spent a very peaceful weekend at a Franciscan retreat center in Springfield, IL. It was a work trip, but we had plenty of time to relax and walk around the beautiful grounds.

Also in June, I turned 50. When I came into work the day after my birthday, I discovered that all of my coworkers had decorated my office with balloons and streamers. Lots of balloons, and lots of streamers. I hated to take it down, and some of the decorations are still there. Maybe it’s time to dismantle them…(yes, my office is a cluttered mess. Don't judge. :) )

At the end of June, I was fortunate enough to take another trip for work...a retreat for an organization I serve on the board of…this time to a mountain home called the Belfry in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I took so many pictures that it was hard to pick a favorite, but for some reason, I especially love this one:

 

The next two photos were from July on a trip to Minneapolis with my girlies. The first one was taken in Hannibal, MO overlooking the Mississippi River; the second was taken somewhere in Iowa on our first night of travelling. I have developed a "thing" for taking photos of sunrises and sunsets, and I think this was the most spectacular sunset I have ever seen. Lauren said she wished our eyes could take pictures; it made me wish I own a better camera.  Again, I took so many photos on this trip that it was nearly impossible to choose a favorite.

This was taken in early August. We had a Keiffer family reunion, and this shot is of all of the cousin’s cousin’s kids. It was the first time some of them had met each other, and watching them all get to know each other was a priceless experience. By the next day, they were exchanging email addresses and friending each other on facebook.

 

I am kind of proud of the next few photos. In September, I helped decorate the tables at my boss’s daughter’s wedding reception that was held in a swanky downtown St. Louis loft. It was so much fun, and so different than anything I have ever done before.  There were 32 tables, and none were decorated the same; each centerpiece was unique with different flowers, herbs and succulent plants in milk glass bowls as well as glass and silver containers.  Shannon (the bride) absolutely loved how it all turned out. At the end of the day, the florist who provided the flowers and plants asked me if I would like to have a part time job helping her with weddings this coming spring and summer.

 

 I know, the next picture is a little bit weird. I added it because it was drawn by Lauren.  She has always loved drawing and painting (even on herself and the walls when she was little!) and I am completely amazed the way her talents have grown over the past few years. I can’t wait to see what she does with her skills in the future.

 

In September, we travelled to Omaha for our nephew Nick’s wedding. We haven’t been back there since Lauren was a baby, and we had a fantastic time. I only wish our trip would have been longer. Tony and I had a blast showing the girls some of our favorite places and haunts. They thought it was neat to walk across a bridge that spans the Missouri River between Council Bluffs, IA and Omaha and stand in two states at the same time.

 

This picture is from one of our favorite places to go when we were young and newly married. I so clearly remembered summer evenings sharing bottles of wine and laughter and camaraderie with friends.

 

Here are a few more random pictures taken in the Old Market area of Omaha.

 The next picture is a favorite for a couple of reasons…it is Rachel and her best friend before Homecoming. Her friend has had a really rough year. Right before Homecoming, she was in the hospital because of depression and suicidal thoughts, and only got out the day before. She was feeling down that she couldn’t go because she didn’t have a dress and she didn’t have anyone to go with as most of her friends have abandoned her through her troubled times. At the last minute, her dad took her dress shopping, and Rachel asked her friends, who didn’t even know Lindsey at the time, if she could go with them. Rachel has really shown a kind-hearted spirit and been a truly wonderful friend to Lindsay, and I am very proud of her because it hasn’t been easy. For that reason, I love this photo.

Glowing eyes and all, I love this picture. It is the first picture that was taken of me, all of my siblings, and my parents since 1982. I could write so much more about this, but it would be an entire long post all by itself.

I had to include this one because it is of me and all of my co-workers. Some days, I really don’t know what I would do without this crew. I feel very fortunate to have a job working with such wonderful people who make each day easier to get through. I love these ladies.

 

The next picture is probably my very favorite one of the whole year. It was taken just moments after I laid eyes on Brandon in the St. Louis airport for the first time in 10 months. No other words are needed.

 

We went to San Antonio when Brandon was home, and Justin joined us there. I have better, more “posed” photos of all of my children, but I love this one for the simple reason that is the first picture I have of all of them together since last Christmas. This was taken at the Alamo gift shop in November.

The next photo makes me smile. When we were in San Antonio, were shopping one day and stopped into a Restoration Hardware store. We wandered around for quite a while, and when we were ready to leave, we couldn't find Lauren. We finally found her, sleeping in this chair. Yes, my child took a nap in Restoration Hardware. We always tease her that she can sleep anywhere, and this is proof.

 

No special reason why I like this one, I just do. I looked out the window one night and noticed the reflection of the landscaping light on the freshly fallen snow.

 

I am ending with this photo taken on New Year’s Eve of Rachel and her boyfriend. Not only do I love this because they both look so cute in it, but I also love it because I am grateful beyond words that her first boyfriend is such a sweet kid who treats her well.

 



 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Settled in for a Long Winter's Nap

Oh, wait…a long winter’s nap is what I dream about this time every year.

I hate winter. Surprise, huh? I do though. Hate it. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of snow and cold and ice and brown slush and gray skies. And cold.

Blech.

I heard someone on tv a couple of weeks ago say that you should never live somewhere that it gets colder than your age. It was said as a joke, but it sounds like an excellent idea to me. That means I should live somewhere it never gets colder than 50. I could definitely go for that…it would mean I would still have fall and be able to wear sweaters. I would be pretty happy going right from fall to spring.

I keep hearing that this winter is going to be a doozy. Our weather forecasters here in the Lou have been telling us since summer that the Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a colder and wetter than normal winter for the Midwest. The coldest and wettest in a long time.

Lovely.

I can’t wait.

Blech.

I believe the forecasters for once, though they typically get it wrong. It’s already been much colder than it normally is this time of year—the winds have been howling, heavy frost covers the car windows each night, we have had a significant snow fall along with two bouts of ice/sleet. I felt a foul mood creeping up on me just thinking about a long, cold winter even before Christmas.

Good thing I “can’t wait” since I don’t have long to wait--today and tomorrow, we are apparently in for a large snowfall and ridiculously frigid temperatures. The kind of cold that makes me wish I could be a snowbird and live in Florida during the winter months. The kind of cold the forecasters (in their oh, so dramatic way) are saying we haven’t experienced for nearly 20 years. The kind of nasty winter weather that caused me to have to wait in line for 40 minutes at Walmart today because I didn’t realize until this morning that we were out of kitty litter. For a few seconds, I toyed around with the idea of turning Simba into an outdoor cat, then I wouldn’t need kitty litter. Lucky him, I waited in that line.

Tonight and tomorrow, we have been told to expect wind chill temperatures between -30 and -40.

Brrrrrrrrr…I’m shivering and my teeth are chattering and my fingers are numb just thinking about it. One good thing about it is that tomorrow, I don’t have to go anywhere. The other good thing is that I have warm pajama pants and new slippers.

How’s that for looking on the sunshiny bright side of a winter storm?

Looking even more on the bright side, I decided a few weeks ago that if we are going to have a horrible winter, I am not going to spend it depressed and pining away waiting for spring like I normally do.

Oh no indeed.

I am going to dance in the snow.

My new motto for the next four months is going to be “Life’s not about waiting for the winter to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the snow.”

I’m not going to literally dance in the snow. I’m not going to get THAT carried away. I did play in the snow a few weekends ago and helped the girls build this awesome snowman.

 And I never play in the snow. The closest I typically get to playing in the snow is watching my kids play in the snow from the comfort of my house.

But, what I am going to do is force myself to find ways to enjoy these coming dreary, blech months when darkness descends much too early in the day and my bones are chilled. I’ve started a list, and I’ve gathered a few things so that I will be able to do just that. If you can’t beat ‘em, or hibernate, join ‘em.

 

Here’s my list so far:

*I purchased some loose tea and a tea strainer for the first time ever. A month or so ago, my boss brought in some yummy orange spice tea that she purchased at a little market on Main Street in St. Charles, and wow, was it tasty. I’ve only drank tea that was brewed from a bag, and I am hooked on loose tea now. I bought my own little container of orange spice tea and even found a pretty little dish in my china cabinet to put it in so it would look nice sitting on my kitchen counter. Each day when I get home from work, I’m going to take a few minutes to enjoy a cup of delicious tea before I head into the craziness of dinner and laundry and homework.

*I have scoured Pinterest and made a list of some fun and easy projects the girls and I can do together. I’ve bought a few supplies and put them in a box on a shelf in the pantry. When we are bored or have a snow day, I will pull it out and pick something to create. Making things always makes me feel good, so we may be making a lot of things this winter!

*I bought two new decks of cards, and we are going to learn some new card games.

*I started stocking up on yarn whenever Michaels and Hobby Lobby had excellent sales. I now have quite a stash along with a few scarf patterns to keep my hands busy and warm on cold days.

*I made a hot cocoa/coffee station on my kitchen counter and supplied it with vanilla creamer, different flavors of hot cocoa, jars of plain and peppermint marshmallows, a few mugs and spoons, and a jar of Chai tea. The girls love it, their friends love it, and I am hoping that when school starts again, they will stop asking me every single morning for money so they can stop at Quik Trip for hot chocolate on their way to and from school.

*I discovered a new store…Harry and David…and have fallen in lust with their flavored coffees. I bought a few that I couldn’t resist—Butterscotch Caramel, White Chocolate Cranberry and Mocha Mint. For some reason, the only time I really like flavored coffee is in the fall and winter, and I’m pretty sure I have enough to last a while. Between the tea and all the coffee, if nothing else, I’ll spend the winter on a caffeine high.

*I bought several gallons of paint and am going to finally tackle some much needed painting projects around the house. It’s finally time to say adios amigo! to my cranberry red dining room. I have loved it for quite a few years, but I am looking forward to painting it something different. I am also going to repaint my kitchen and family room. They will be the same color they are now because I love it, but it is looking shabby, and there is nothing like a fresh coat of paint to brighten things up. Another project on my to-do list is to jazz up my laundry room. I spend so much time in there, I decided I might as well make it more appealing. The first thing I did was buy a robin’s egg blue paint for the drab unfinished wood cabinets and a fun picture to hang on the wall.

*Throughout the Christmas season, I took advantage of sales and stocked up on baking supplies. I also have so many new recipes to try out on cold, dreary days…bread, soup, cookies and more. My pantry is well-stocked, and the upside to that is on days when a snowstorm is predicted, I won’t have to join the throngs of people who flock to the grocery store to buy supplies.

*I have candles everywhere. Even the bathroom. I found a new fragrance that I LOVE called Cranberry Pear. It smells so sweet and fruity, almost springy. There is just something about glowing candles that I love, that make even the dreariest, coldest day feel cozy and warm.

*I have been watching for deals on Kindle books and now have a good supply of books to easily get me through a long winter. Probably spring and summer, too. I also bought the first four books in the Game of Thrones series. Nothing like a little gore and sex to brighten up a dreary day, huh? J I’ve made myself a comfy little reading spot in the living room. I’ll be all set once I buy myself the heated throw I have my eye on, but for now, this quilt will do.

I’m sure I will discover more ways to dance in the snow. In fact, I’m looking forward to seeing what I come up with. While I can’t settle in for a long winter’s nap, I do feel like I am settled in for a long winter. Who knows, I may enjoy winter for once and long for more snow days.