Home Health Care

I have been so negative with the things I have written lately. While I have been writing/speaking from my heart, I don’t feel good about what I’ve written. Not at all. I’ve strongly considered deleting my last few posts, but I talked myself out of it. Sometimes good, sometimes bad and sometimes, downright ugly…that is my life these days. If deleting the negative posts would delete the reasons I wrote them out of my life, I’d hit the delete button so fast I’d leave a sizzle mark on the delete key. But, since deleting the negative things I wrote won’t delete the negative things I wrote about, what’s the point? Maybe someday, I will look back on the thoughts that have poured from my mind and fingers this summer and think, “Wow, I came through all that with flying colors!”

 So today, I’m going to go back to being positive with sunshine and rainbows exploding around me like 4^th of July fireworks, and I am going to write about something good while I am riding on the back of my pet unicorn with a wreath of daisies atop my head.

I know, I gave this post a strange title, but it’s the first thing that popped into my head. And just a funny side note…when I typed “popped,” it originally came out “pooped.” Yes, that word would have been appropriate too as things often poop out of my head. I almost left the typo.

I don’t know what has gotten into me lately. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I am nesting. I’m not obviously, but I have definitely been in a “clean and organize and purge everything in my path” mood. (I’ve told my kids on several occasions that they should be very afraid of leaving their crap laying around). And it’s been just what I have needed, like a breath of fresh air blown into my soul. Cleaning the clutter and unnecessary things from my home is in a way helping me unclutter my mind, bringing the important things more clearly into focus.

Years ago, I used to relieve stress by going on a cleaning frenzy. Times of trouble were when I was most likely to clean out closets, cabinets and drawers, scrub and wax the kitchen floor and shower doors and wash curtains and baseboards and walls and blinds. I would even clean the leaves of my plants. Yes, times of stress were good, very good, for my home.

 But, as I’ve gotten older, I am more likely to curl up on the couch with a quilt and a big bowl of buttered popcorn and watch cheesy Lifetime movies while doing my very best to ignore the clutter and dirty floors and dust balls in the corners. My house has been very neglected these past few years as I have done the bare minimum to keep my family from living in squalor. Okay, that’s a little dramatic and inaccurate, however, I have definitely lowered my usual high standards and not been bothered by a little dust or unorganized cabinets and closets and piles of laundry the way I once was. My motto for the past few years has been “if the family has clean clothes and food on the table, all is good,” even if they are digging those clean clothes out of laundry baskets that are lined up in the hallway.

Which reminds me of a funny story. Years ago, my cousin Nancy, who is my Great Aunt Marion Kelly’s daughter, told me a story about how their life as kids was rather chaotic. There were 5 of them (kids, I mean) and their dad was a busy dentist. Their mom, one of the truly funniest most  joy-filled, loving women I have ever known, was a stay at home mom. I have no doubt she was one of the most fun moms among her peers, but she wasn’t the greatest housekeeper from things I’ve been told and heard and seen in old photographs. Nancy told me that once, she was over at a friend’s house, and her friend’s mother gave her a stack of neatly folded laundry and told her to go put it away in her dresser. Her friend said, “Why can’t I keep my clothes in a laundry basket like the Kelly’s do?”

I found that story so funny.  I wonder if someday, my children will tell silly stories like that about me. I doubt it. But I digress….

I used to take great pride in keeping my house in a condition that wasn’t perfection by any means, but it was always neat and tidy enough that if someone dropped by, I wouldn’t be embarrassed. Lately, those days have been LONG gone and sometimes, I’ve been embarrassed when I drop by.

For some reason, the tides have shifted, and now, I can’t seem to keep my house clean enough or organized enough. I’ve been cleaning out drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms.  I’ve scrubbed windows inside and out. I’ve repainted scuffed baseboards and even cleaned nearly all of the clutter that typically accumulates in my dining room. I scour Pinterest looking for organization ideas.

 In short, while the stresses I’ve been dealing with right now have sort of wreaked havoc on my life, they’ve once again been very good for my house. It’s kind of strange, but I haven’t even looked upon anything I have been doing as a chore. I have rather enjoyed it. Some days on my drive home from work, I think about what I can organize when I get home. I know, there is something wrong with me, right?!

Clearing clutter and crud from my home has brought clarity to a lot of things. For one, it’s made me realize just how neglected it has been…how much needs to be done. I’ve paid attention to things I haven’t noticed for a long time…like scratched and marred baseboards in the dining room that need a fresh coat of white paint…like the bathroom cabinet that is really looking shabby and in dire need of a makeover. Like the cobwebs behind the blinds in the family room. 

Clearing the clutter and focusing on taking better care of my home has also made me look at it through fresh eyes and take note of things I love. Like the way the light from the sunrise shines through the window above my kitchen sink early in the morning. And the way my grandma’s and Aunt Mary’s crystal sparkles in the china cabinet after it’s been lovingly washed and arranged.

Cleaning and decluttering has inspired me to once again do little things to cozy up my house. I’ve bought some new houseplants for the first time in years, and I hung them from scrolly black wrought iron hangers in the doorway between the living room and dining room.

I decorated the blank wall above my desk with wall words that I bought months ago then put in a bag in a corner of the dining room and promptly forgot about.

 Cleaning out my china cabinet inspired me to take some of my favorite things from the dusty corners and put them where I can see them all the time.

In short, while my cleaning mission has resulted in some depressing thoughts about how much I’ve neglected the home that I once took such pride in keeping clean and welcoming, it has also made me love it in a whole new way. Yes, it needs new carpet. There are still 2 rooms that have an old wallpaper border that I would love to remove. My front porch needs to be painted, and so do the shutters and my front door. Long ago, I grew tired of the flowers I stenciled on our bathroom wall when Lauren was a newborn and I would love to re-do that bathroom.

But, along with the negative thoughts, or rather in spite of them, I have fallen in love with my house again. I’ve remembered how I felt walking through the front door 18 years ago giddy with excitement and overflowing with ideas for the blank, white canvas that was all mine. My house is well-worn, but it’s comfortable, and I am trying to embrace all that I love about it.

In the beginning of this tossing and cleaning process, I felt overwhelmed, like why bother doing anything at all when there is so very much to do? But the more trash bags I filled and carried out to the garage, the more focused I became. I made a list of all of the things I wanted to do. I have already crossed a few of them off, and I try not to stress about all that remains on that list. I know I will accomplish most of them eventually. If I don't, oh well. I’m tired of focusing on what is wrong and old and outdated, and I’m trying my darndest to focus on what is good and what I love about my house.

 Decluttering and cleaning the house has brought clarity to my mind as well. I’ve worked out a lot of things while tossing unnecessary crap that I’ve accumulated into giant black Hefty bags. I’ve done a great deal of writing this summer, which is the best way for me to sort and declutter all that jumbles up my brain, and it’s been really good for me. As I’ve sorted and waded through the debris of my mind, I’ve also mentally tossed things into a black trash bag. I’ve realized that while there is much that is wrong in my world, and I do need to work on those things and figure them out so I can deal with them, there is also much that is right. Not just right, but good. Very good. I’ve made a list of those things and put it in my wallet, pulling it out when I need to be reminded of them. Just as I’m tired of focusing on all that is wrong with my house, I’m also tired, so tired, of focusing on what is wrong with ME. I’m tired of thinking of all the things I do that make me a not-so-good wife/daughter/mother/employee/friend. And I’m trying my darndest to focus on the ways I am a good wife/daughter/mother/employee/friend. It sure isn’t going to be easy, but I’m setting out to prove to myself that I can do it. J I have some difficult hurdles to overcome in the very near future, but I have NO doubt that I am strong enough to take them on and fly over them without too many stumbles or falls that land me flat on my face. If that does happen, I really believe (at least for today!) that I will simply pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on.

Yesterday, I had an enlightening conversation with a co-worker who told me I way overthink things. I know that I do, and no matter how hard I try not to, I can’t stop. I’ve been thinking a lot about some things she said to me, and I am quite certain that there will someday soon be a blog post about it. But for now, I think that overthinking doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, although my overthinking usually results in negative thoughts. Since I can’t turn off my brain with a switch the way I often wish that I could, I am going to find a way to turn my overthinking habit into something beneficial to me. I’m not sure just how I will do that, but again, I’m going to give it my best shot. Hopefully, my negative alter-ego will soon be banished forever because I do not like that person very much.