Random Ramblings...

I feel like I have ADD these days, so I decided that rather than try to write on any one topic, I will just go where ever my thoughts lead me.

Stress Relief…

I went shopping yesterday and bought supplies for the weekend:

 

 The brick dedication ceremony is tomorrow, and I am dedicating today to laundry and baking. I have a few new recipes I am anxious try: Pumpkin Apple Streusel Muffins, Overnight Pumpkin French Toast, Buttered Toffee Popcorn, Lasagne Soup and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownies. My children are going to be happy today. Very, very happy! Those little pumpkins are in my oven right now filling the house with their yummy aroma.

 Cozy Weather…

It has been a truly glorious fall. We have had the kind of weather that makes me want to go buy new sweaters and take my slippers and flannel pj pants out of storage. The kind of weather that makes me wrap myself in a quilt and head out to the front porch with a cup of coffee. After the steamy hot summer we had, I have thoroughly enjoyed these lovely fall days, and I am sad that they are dwindling.

One Saturday morning, after picking Rachel up from cross country practice, I took a drive through Babler State Park, and the trees were delightfully decked out in their fall finery. I haven’t been there in years, and it was kind of nice to take a leisurely ride through the park. I rolled the windows down a bit even though it was cold because it smelled so wonderful…like crisp fall leaves, and I couldn’t resist. I rarely drive just for the sake of driving, and it brought back memories of Sunday drives with my Grandma and Grandpa Fulk. I don’t think I was ever there on a Sunday that didn’t involve a drive after church and lunch. At the time, I thought they were so boring. My grandpa always drove around Olney so slow, and we kids used to tease him that his car sounded like a sewing machine. The only reason we really tolerated Grandpa’s snail-paced Sunday drives is because they almost always ended at the Dairy Queen. I really enjoyed my drive that Saturday morning when I had nowhere to be and nothing pressing on my to-do list. I think I need to do that more often. Rachel reminded me of when I was a kid tooling around town with my Grandpa. She was bored silly, told me it was dumb to “just drive,” and I bribed her by telling her if she would let me drive and stop complaining, I’d stop on the way home and buy her hot chocolate and a donut. It worked. I won’t say she enjoyed it--in fact she put on her headphones, turned on her iPod, and spent most of the drive texting. Oh, and she spent a great deal of time rolling her eyes every time I pulled over on the side of the road to take a picture. I can only imagine what she was texting to her friends. “OMG, like you won’t, like BELIEVE what my lame mother is, like making me do right now!” Oh well. I may have to spend some more time teaching her the art of the Sunday drive! She’ll be thrilled, I just know it. I wanted to take more pictures, but I was afraid if Rachel did much more eye-rolling, her eyes would be stuck in permanent eye-roll position. I know that with her attitude these days, that  might come in handy for her.

 

 

 

Thankful…

Today, I am thankful that after my written meltdown a couple of days ago, I have had some much better days. It might have been so because I had such a busy day at work on Thursday with barely a minute to sit and breathe much less think as well as a day full of errands yesterday. Whatever the reason, I’ll take it!

I am also thankful for a friend of a friend who took time out of her Saturday last week to meet us at Creve Coeur Lake to take pictures for us. She didn't charge me anything, and she is going to give me all of the pictures she took on a CD. I love how they turned out, and I have looked at them so many times over the past few days. My heart is so full looking at these photos. I love all of  the pictures she took, but these two are my favorites:

 

 

 

Here's to a happy, hopefully tears and panic free Saturday! Right now, I have a counter full of baking ingredients shouting my name. 

 

 

Pride and Anxiety. With a Big Dollop of Fear on Top.

For the past 5 months, I have had time to mentally prepare myself for the boys leaving for the Navy. I thought I had prepared myself.

 I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong.

I already wrote a silly, emotional post about Brandon leaving, but that was before he left. I thought writing THAT gave me another step up on the preparation ladder.

I was wrong.

Nothing that I have thought or written about prepared me for how gut wrenching and hard it would be for me giving him that last hug and saying that last I love you and  I am proud of you.

Nothing.

I dropped him off Monday afternoon at the Navy recruiting office, and I thought that would be the hardest part.

I was wrong.

Tuesday morning, I had the great honor and privilege of watching my oldest child be sworn into the US Navy. When I arrived at the Robert A. Young Federal Building in St. Louis, I wasn’t sure what to expect. After going through security, I was directed to the 10^th floor, and there I found Brandon sitting in a chair in a room full of about 20 other recruits who were either watching tv or sleeping. Brandon told me they had been there, just sitting there, since 6:30 AM. It was 9 when I arrived. At 9:30 the first group was called back, and Brandon was part of that group. I was directed to a waiting room along with the other parents who were there. After I read a book for about 20 minutes, we were called into a room across the hall, where I saw this

 

I was surprised by the room…I thought it would be more “official” looking, but it was just a room with a podium at the front flanked by flags on each side. We were told we could take photographs, so I snapped a few.

After they were each sworn in and told, “Congratulations! You are now a member of the United States military,” it was sort of anti-climatic, and everyone began taking pictures.

 The new soldier/sailors were then ushered into an adjoining room to be “processed,” and we once again had to wait. And wait.

 The waiting gave me way too much time to think. I met another couple who was sending their only child off to Army boot camp. I had a wonderful conversation with the dad, who is retired from the Army and used to be a drill sergeant at boot camp. He did his best to assure me that boot camp is harder on moms than on the guys, and he told me that most new recruits end up really enjoying boot camp after the initial toughness of the first week.

I drove home in a much calmer mood than I had been in that morning on my way there when I felt like I needed one of those bags they give you on a plane in case you get sick. That calmness stayed with me throughout most of the day, however, as it wore on, panic began to set in, and I thought of every single little thing that can go wrong while Brandon is at boot camp. I tried to distract myself by playing games and looking for recipes on the internet, but it didn’t work. I was too jittery and too restless to read, and I sat here feeling lonely and worried.

Sigh. And I get to go through this all over again in 2 weeks.

I don’t think I’ll be as worried about Justin, though. I have sooo very many worries about Brandon. He’s always had a difficult time making friends and middle school and high school were not good years for him. I want the Navy to be really awesome for him. I want it to be something that makes him feel proud of himself…GOOD about himself. Better than he has ever felt about himself. I want it to be life changing in a great way. I am so afraid, though, that it’s going to end up being one more thing that makes him feel like crap. I worry that he will be teased and will end up regretting that he joined the Navy. I worry that he won’t be able to “hack” it, and he will be discharged and sent home. I feel so protective of him right now, more protective than I have ever felt, and the thought of him being away for so long, experiencing God knows what, quite honestly scares the shit out of me.

 Sigh. Again.

I had thought/hoped that the anticipation of him leaving would be the worst part of the whole thing, but it’s not. I had thought/hoped that once he was gone, my stomach knots would unclench and I would settle in and get used to it and relax. But, I am feeling worse with each passing hour. My stomach is upset. I’ve had a headache for 2 days. I can’t sleep. I have no one to tell these things. Who isn’t going to think I’ve gone over the edge if I tell them those things??? I feel so silly for feeling this way, but I don’t remember a time when I have felt so incredibly anxious. It’s going to be hard not knowing what is going on with him for 8 weeks. So hard! I don’t know how I’m going to make it to be honest.

Sigh. Again.

I am trying to focus on how wonderful so many people are being to me right now. All of my co-workers text me to see how I am doing, and give me a hug when I get to work. Tuesday morning, all of my aunts, my cousin and my sister texted me early in the morning to see how I was holding up. They also texted me throughout the day, and last night, one of my aunts texted me again to see how I was doing. I text them back and say I am fine because if I told them the truth about how I  am REALLY feeling, they'd probably call the men in white coats. Unfortunately, my mother has been strangely silent, but I guess that shouldn’t surprise me.

Sigh. AGAIN.

I am getting too carried away, so I am going to stop. I pray that in 9 weeks, I will read this and laugh at my silliness. For now, I’m going to hold onto this image of  Brandon. When I first arrived Tuesday morning, he had an exhausted, deer-in-the-headlights-oh-shit-what-have-I-done look on his face. I had a difficult time even looking at him after that because I wanted to grab him by the arm and drag him away. Thankfully, once the swearing in was over, he was all smiles. I love this picture of him, and I printed a copy of it to carry in my purse.