I have cried so much this
year
That I’ve almost drowned.
So when you see me smile
Don’t think I’m no longer
in the water—
Understand that my joy is
a life-jacket.
~Elisabet Velasquez
I was perusing Instagram early this morning, and that
showed up in my feed. I have no idea who Elisabet Velasquez is, but, WHOA. And wow. Did
that little poem ever resonate with my heart in a profound way? I’ve been
thinking about it all day.
Why? Because I have had a rough year that at times has threatened to take me under. And at the same time, I have tried my best to do things to keep me from going under.
Along with my marriage, my life as I know it is ending, so honestly the word “rough” is a bit of an understatement.
I don’t typically post such personal things here, and I debated doing so now, but it feels right. It’s not like I have gazillions of followers who will cause this to go viral. 😊 I think only 3 people actually read here.
What is happening in my life now has made me deeply
regret most of the times when I thought my life was shitty. I wish I could take
it all back and have some do-overs. It’s like life said to me, “You thought
THAT was shitty?? HAHAHA! Be careful what you complain about, and here ya go!” Because
real shitty is what my life is right now.
It’s soul crushing.
Not long ago, a friend told me that she knows this has
rocked my world. My world hasn’t just been rocked—it’s been spun off its axis
and is hurtling out of control into a land far, far away.
What I am writing today is not really about that,
though.
It’s about my mission to find joy and beauty and fun despite
and amid the horrid, shitty parts of my life. It has taken me a while to get
here, and who knows, I may not be here for long. But for now, this is where my
heart is. I’ve had plenty of days (or if I’m being real, weeks, months) where
my soul felt so bogged down that I spent entire weekends sitting on my front
porch (or the couch) drinking wine and reading in my pajamas. I’ve had times
where I completely let things go—times when I barely kept myself in clean
clothes and went to the grocery store to stock up on frozen pizzas. And the
house has admittedly suffered from serious neglect the past few months. I have
gained weight that I worked so damn hard to lose a few years ago and swore I
would NEVER gain back.
I’m not proud of any of that, and I can’t believe I am
writing it. But there is something about your world being sent into outer space
to convince you that making yourself vulnerable in ways you never have before is
not so frightening.
After an especially bad weekend in May, I decided I
was not going to continue sitting around feeling lonely and sorry for myself
all summer. I was determined to squeeze every little drop of fun and joy out of
life that I was able to. Make lemonade out of lemons. I even bought myself a
coffee mug that says “Squeeze the day” as a reminder of how I want to live.
I knew it wouldn’t be simple or painless. And it definitely
has not been. I often struggle and force myself to keep up that determination,
but it has mostly worked. Despite everything, I have completely enjoyed myself
this summer.
At first, I wondered if it is genuine JOY if I
am forcing it upon myself? And at first, it certainly was fake, not real, deep
down in the soul JOY.
It was forced.
At times I wondered what the point was. I wondered if
I would be better off to just continue wallowing in my pitiful feelings for
however long I needed to. Yet thankfully, I still had my wits about me enough
to know that wallowing was not going to work, nor was it what I really wanted
to do. Times when I did allow myself to wallow only made me feel worse. I made
up my mind that even if it felt fake, I needed to look for joy anyway. Because
I would at the very least feel something other than pathetic for sitting around
all day in my pjs; I would rather feel fake joy than feel pathetic.
Four months into my journey of squeezing joy out of
shit, I can say it has been a success. What once felt forced and fake has
become genuine. When I feel joy, it now seems sweeter because it has been hard
to come by. I have honestly fought myself and my thoughts for every single
minute of it. Has doing so taken my problems away? Nope, it definitely has not.
But what it has done is provide me with some moments of beauty and fun
in an otherwise bleak time.
One of the things that has been the worst about all
this is the utter loneliness that has consumed me at times. Because of that,
one of the things I most wanted to do this summer was spend time with people I
love, even when I didn’t feel like it.
Especially when I didn’t feel like it.
I gravitated toward people I knew would feed my hungry
soul, even if they didn’t know what was happening in my life. And not all of
the people I spent time with this summer know what is happening in my world. I
found joy in those people and times anyway.
What did I do to bring joy to my life? So many things
that I am not sure I would have done in any other summer or any other time.
I went to a street music festival with a friend. This
was at the beginning of the summer when I was in the depths of the doldrums,
but this friend’s company is so good for me, and I knew I would not regret
going. And I didn’t. We people watched and drank wine from disposable cups on a
bench while an 80s cover band played to the crowd.
I reached out to a distant cousin whose company I
enjoy and asked her if I could come spend a Friday with her. Even though she
lives less than two hours away, I hadn’t seen her in years. Two weeks ago, we
spent a perfect afternoon having lunch on her screened porch and walking around
her woodsy property. We relaxed in comfy chairs under old shade trees and drank
wine. She showed me around her art studio and sent me home with some gorgeous
pieces of her handmade pottery. She doesn’t know what I am going through, but
that didn’t matter. For a few hours, I felt normal in the company of someone
who doesn’t know what a hot mess my life really is.
I planned trips.
I went to the beach with my kids. And while it didn’t
turn out as I imagined, it was full of joyful moments. Moments I spent in solitary
walks on the beach each day. Moments spent soaking in the sunshine on the pool
deck. Moments spent eating delicious seafood. Drinking slushy drinks too fast
before they melted. Mornings walking on the quiet beach, a steaming cup of
coffee warming my hands. Time to think and plan and unwind.
I went to Atlanta twice. One trip, I flew, the other I
drove. Nine hours in a car listening to my favorite music, my cares uncurling in
a ribbon of highway behind me. Time relaxing with two people I adore, drinking
coffee on the porch in the mornings as the sun rose and cocktails on the patio
in the evenings as it set. Listening to the best music and playing with the
best dogs. Cooking delicious meals and savoring them outdoors with friends.
I took a trip to Wisconsin. It started out as a trip
for PLIDA, but I turned it into a long weekend of fun in a place I had never
been before. I met a colleague there, but I also spent time alone, which I
desperately needed. I went hiking in a stunningly beautiful state park on a
trail that had breathtaking views of the Mississippi River. We took a riverboat
cruise and went on a winery tour. We ate delicious food, drank delicious wine
while sitting in a porch swing overlooking mountainous green hills and
vineyards. I ate breakfast in a quirky John Hughes themed diner, walked along
the riverfront park, read a book and drank coffee in the same park. I bought
two pieces of jewelry made by the husband of a shop owner across the street
from my hotel. I loved the road trip there through hours of rural Iowa cornfields
and quaint small towns. Again, music blared and my soul breathed.
At home, I’ve gone on hikes with friends and by myself. I’ve visited my favorite winery and new ones.
I have
gone on long walks and started doing yoga
taken a couple of online art classes to learn how to watercolor
paint
I made this!
finally made a delicious and edible loaf of sourdough
bread
made a baby blanket for my sister’s new granddaughter
watched sunrises from my back deck and sunsets from my
front porch
I have soooo many sunrise and sunset pics. I'll just share this one. :)
planned a fun back to school party for Rachel on her
first day of teaching
went kayaking for the first time ever
I have read 17 books this summer.
My life may be shitty, but I am trying my best to fill
it with good things.
Back to that poem I posted.
I have often wondered if people see all the things I
am doing, the things I post about on social media, and assume that “Whew. Rose
is doing well. She looks like she is having the time of her life!” What they
don’t know is that I am doing the things I am doing and posting the things I am
posting because I am forcing myself to do well. Because the alternative (not
doing well) is not something I am ready to accept and embrace.
Just because I post a pic of my favorite winery after
a hike or photos of me relaxing by the beach or hanging out on my brother’s
porch or anything else I have done this summer doesn’t mean I am fine and
dandy. I really am not fine at all.
All those photos and posts mean is that I am doing
what I need to do to stay afloat, to keep from drowning. I hadn’t looked at
them in this way before this morning, but these things are my lifejacket. I am
still in the water. These things are saving me from drowning.
And I will keep on putting on lifejackets.
