Joy is My Life Jacket

 

I have cried so much this year

That I’ve almost drowned.

So when you see me smile

Don’t think I’m no longer in the water—

Understand that my joy is a life-jacket.

~Elisabet Velasquez

 

I was perusing Instagram early this morning, and that showed up in my feed. I have no idea who Elisabet Velasquez is, but, WHOA. And wow. Did that little poem ever resonate with my heart in a profound way? I’ve been thinking about it all day.

 

Why? Because I have had a rough year that at times has threatened to take me under. And at the same time, I have tried my best to do things to keep me from going under.

 

Along with my marriage, my life as I know it is ending, so honestly the word “rough” is a bit of an understatement.

 

I don’t typically post such personal things here, and I debated doing so now, but it feels right. It’s not like I have gazillions of followers who will cause this to go viral. 😊 I think only 3 people actually read here. 

 

What is happening in my life now has made me deeply regret most of the times when I thought my life was shitty. I wish I could take it all back and have some do-overs. It’s like life said to me, “You thought THAT was shitty?? HAHAHA! Be careful what you complain about, and here ya go!” Because real shitty is what my life is right now.

 

It’s soul crushing.

 

Not long ago, a friend told me that she knows this has rocked my world. My world hasn’t just been rocked—it’s been spun off its axis and is hurtling out of control into a land far, far away.

 

What I am writing today is not really about that, though.

 

It’s about my mission to find joy and beauty and fun despite and amid the horrid, shitty parts of my life. It has taken me a while to get here, and who knows, I may not be here for long. But for now, this is where my heart is. I’ve had plenty of days (or if I’m being real, weeks, months) where my soul felt so bogged down that I spent entire weekends sitting on my front porch (or the couch) drinking wine and reading in my pajamas. I’ve had times where I completely let things go—times when I barely kept myself in clean clothes and went to the grocery store to stock up on frozen pizzas. And the house has admittedly suffered from serious neglect the past few months. I have gained weight that I worked so damn hard to lose a few years ago and swore I would NEVER gain back.

 

I’m not proud of any of that, and I can’t believe I am writing it. But there is something about your world being sent into outer space to convince you that making yourself vulnerable in ways you never have before is not so frightening.

 

After an especially bad weekend in May, I decided I was not going to continue sitting around feeling lonely and sorry for myself all summer. I was determined to squeeze every little drop of fun and joy out of life that I was able to. Make lemonade out of lemons. I even bought myself a coffee mug that says “Squeeze the day” as a reminder of how I want to live.

 

I knew it wouldn’t be simple or painless. And it definitely has not been. I often struggle and force myself to keep up that determination, but it has mostly worked. Despite everything, I have completely enjoyed myself this summer.

 

At first, I wondered if it is genuine JOY if I am forcing it upon myself? And at first, it certainly was fake, not real, deep down in the soul JOY.

 

It was forced.

 

At times I wondered what the point was. I wondered if I would be better off to just continue wallowing in my pitiful feelings for however long I needed to. Yet thankfully, I still had my wits about me enough to know that wallowing was not going to work, nor was it what I really wanted to do. Times when I did allow myself to wallow only made me feel worse. I made up my mind that even if it felt fake, I needed to look for joy anyway. Because I would at the very least feel something other than pathetic for sitting around all day in my pjs; I would rather feel fake joy than feel pathetic.

 

Four months into my journey of squeezing joy out of shit, I can say it has been a success. What once felt forced and fake has become genuine. When I feel joy, it now seems sweeter because it has been hard to come by. I have honestly fought myself and my thoughts for every single minute of it. Has doing so taken my problems away? Nope, it definitely has not. But what it has done is provide me with some moments of beauty and fun in an otherwise bleak time.

 

One of the things that has been the worst about all this is the utter loneliness that has consumed me at times. Because of that, one of the things I most wanted to do this summer was spend time with people I love, even when I didn’t feel like it.

 

Especially when I didn’t feel like it.

 

I gravitated toward people I knew would feed my hungry soul, even if they didn’t know what was happening in my life. And not all of the people I spent time with this summer know what is happening in my world. I found joy in those people and times anyway.

 

What did I do to bring joy to my life? So many things that I am not sure I would have done in any other summer or any other time.

 

I went to a street music festival with a friend. This was at the beginning of the summer when I was in the depths of the doldrums, but this friend’s company is so good for me, and I knew I would not regret going. And I didn’t. We people watched and drank wine from disposable cups on a bench while an 80s cover band played to the crowd.

 

I reached out to a distant cousin whose company I enjoy and asked her if I could come spend a Friday with her. Even though she lives less than two hours away, I hadn’t seen her in years. Two weeks ago, we spent a perfect afternoon having lunch on her screened porch and walking around her woodsy property. We relaxed in comfy chairs under old shade trees and drank wine. She showed me around her art studio and sent me home with some gorgeous pieces of her handmade pottery. She doesn’t know what I am going through, but that didn’t matter. For a few hours, I felt normal in the company of someone who doesn’t know what a hot mess my life really is.

I planned trips.

 

I went to the beach with my kids. And while it didn’t turn out as I imagined, it was full of joyful moments. Moments I spent in solitary walks on the beach each day. Moments spent soaking in the sunshine on the pool deck. Moments spent eating delicious seafood. Drinking slushy drinks too fast before they melted. Mornings walking on the quiet beach, a steaming cup of coffee warming my hands. Time to think and plan and unwind.

 

I went to Atlanta twice. One trip, I flew, the other I drove. Nine hours in a car listening to my favorite music, my cares uncurling in a ribbon of highway behind me. Time relaxing with two people I adore, drinking coffee on the porch in the mornings as the sun rose and cocktails on the patio in the evenings as it set. Listening to the best music and playing with the best dogs. Cooking delicious meals and savoring them outdoors with friends.

 

I took a trip to Wisconsin. It started out as a trip for PLIDA, but I turned it into a long weekend of fun in a place I had never been before. I met a colleague there, but I also spent time alone, which I desperately needed. I went hiking in a stunningly beautiful state park on a trail that had breathtaking views of the Mississippi River. We took a riverboat cruise and went on a winery tour. We ate delicious food, drank delicious wine while sitting in a porch swing overlooking mountainous green hills and vineyards. I ate breakfast in a quirky John Hughes themed diner, walked along the riverfront park, read a book and drank coffee in the same park. I bought two pieces of jewelry made by the husband of a shop owner across the street from my hotel. I loved the road trip there through hours of rural Iowa cornfields and quaint small towns. Again, music blared and my soul breathed.

 

At home, I’ve gone on hikes with friends and by myself. I’ve visited my favorite winery and new ones.

  

I have

gone on long walks and started doing yoga

taken a couple of online art classes to learn how to watercolor paint

I made this!

finally made a delicious and edible loaf of sourdough bread

made a baby blanket for my sister’s new granddaughter

watched sunrises from my back deck and sunsets from my front porch

I have soooo many sunrise and sunset pics. I'll just share this one. :) 

planned a fun back to school party for Rachel on her first day of teaching

went kayaking for the first time ever

 

 

I have read 17 books this summer.

 

My life may be shitty, but I am trying my best to fill it with good things.

 

Back to that poem I posted.

I have often wondered if people see all the things I am doing, the things I post about on social media, and assume that “Whew. Rose is doing well. She looks like she is having the time of her life!” What they don’t know is that I am doing the things I am doing and posting the things I am posting because I am forcing myself to do well. Because the alternative (not doing well) is not something I am ready to accept and embrace.

 

Just because I post a pic of my favorite winery after a hike or photos of me relaxing by the beach or hanging out on my brother’s porch or anything else I have done this summer doesn’t mean I am fine and dandy. I really am not fine at all.

 

All those photos and posts mean is that I am doing what I need to do to stay afloat, to keep from drowning. I hadn’t looked at them in this way before this morning, but these things are my lifejacket. I am still in the water. These things are saving me from drowning.

 

And I will keep on putting on lifejackets.