Black cloud, please go away!

For nearly six months, I plodded through life, doing what needed to be done, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me, my house, and my family….or like PigPen, surrounded by a dirt cloud. No matter what I was doing, even something fun, that black cloud was there, stealing my joy. I would catch myself thinking…how can I be having FUN right now when our future is so precarious? I often wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, and my first thought was always, “My husband has no job! What is going to happen to us?! Where will we live when we lose our house???!!”

I really did try…and try hard…to find the positive side of everything. Several times over those scary months, people often told me how well I was holding up, how they would have fallen apart. They may not have seen me fall apart, but I certainly did, numerous times in fact. I’m not proud to admit that, but I did.

So…Tony is finishing up his second week at his new job. He got his first paycheck today. His first pay check in nearly 6 months! I wanted to kiss it! And I thought to myself, “it’s really real…the Hell of the last 6 months is coming to an end!” It’s funny, because even though he’s been working at the zoo for two weeks, I still had this thought in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t really believe it until I saw a paycheck.

Today, I finally saw the paycheck, but for some reason, I still feel like that ugly black cloud is there.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I told myself that once he got a job, things were going to be different. I was no longer going to worry about some of the stupid, petty stuff that I often worry about. I thought that once he got a job, all of my problems would be magically solved, and I would walk around on a cloud of sunshine without a care in the world.

So, why has that not happened? Why do I worry now more than I ever did?

Maybe I am too cynical now. I keep waiting for the ball to drop…every time Tony calls me during the day, it’s almost like I’m expecting him to say, “oh, they told me today it was all a mistake, they meant to hire someone else.”

I am afraid to spend money on anything other than food and the other things that I have to pay if I want to continue having a house to live in and a car to drive. For the past 6 months, we have lived on the bare minimum….nothing frivolous from the grocery store, no new clothes or shoes for the kids unless they were absolutely needed, no new books for me (which was TOUGH let me tell you!).

Then yesterday, I bought a skirt at Kohl’s. It was cheap…$13. I didn’t “need” it, that’s for sure, but I wanted it. Several years ago, I bought a white eyelet skirt at Penney’s and I loved that thing, wore it all the time, until I caught it on a sharp corner at work last summer and ripped a huge hole in it. And this summer, I have missed wearing that skirt. So, yesterday I was in Kohl’s and found a cute white skirt and bought it. Two months ago, I would not have bought the skirt.

So there is a point to this skirt story…I felt so guilty after I bought that skirt. When I got home, I didn’t take the bag out of the car because I had pretty much talked myself into taking it back. I was so mad at myself for spending $13 on a skirt that I didn’t need. I really felt like something horrible was going to happen as a result of me being frivolous. I kept asking myself, “Have you not learned anything the past 6 months??” It sounds ridiculous, but I had this huge fear that because I spent money on a skirt, that something else awful was going to happen…I imagined a huge car repair, or our house air conditioner quitting…all because I bought a stupid skirt.

This afternoon, I went to Michaels to buy supplies for the cupcakes Rachel wants to make for her birthday. They are just cupcakes, but they have these cute little flowers made from candy melts. I bought 3 colors of the melts (white, yellow and lavender) and squeeze bottles to put them in. And yellow gel color for the frosting. Again, the guilt…I should not be spending money on something so silly as flowers for the tops of cupcakes!

Again, that dark cloud hovering there…right after I left Michaels, Tony called. When I saw on caller id that it was him, I was afraid to answer…

And now for the biggie…

I am going to Maine in a few weeks. I shouldn’t have spent the money. I bought the plane ticket before Tony had a job. I didn’t take anything out of our account, I used money I made selling some things I no longer need, but I feel guilty anyway. I feel like something awful is going to happen because I spent money on a plane ticket. I think all sorts of awful things…the plane is going to crash, something horrible is going to happen to someone in my family while I am gone…I worry so much that I have a hard time even being excited about going.

SIGH.

So, when is this pessimistic cloud going to leave me in peace and go away?

June 11, my birthday

No, this isn't about my actual birthday day. It's about some connections that I can't decide if they are just coincidental or not.

I should preface this by saying that I really don't believe in coincidences the way most people do. I believe that things we think are coincidental really aren't...they are things that have always been meant to be, things we have been waiting for all along even if we didn't know we were waiting for it.

I often think about a song that was popular when I was in college...One Thing Leads to Another. I don't remember who sang it, or many of the specific words, but I remember it was a catchy tune. LOL

I digressed. I tend to do that when I am writing.

So back to the point of this post. I read a blog regularly that is written by a Share group leader, Share of Southern Vermont. Cara Tyrell. She's a wonderful writer. I met her in person when she attended our trainging workshop for new group leaders back in March. I love her blog. One of the tag lines of her blog is "Connections Abound.

Why yes. They do.

Five years ago, I started working for Share after nearly 2 years of being a volunteer. I was nervous as hell when I accepted the job, and nearly didn't accept the job. But, I did, and a few weeks later, due to a twist of fate, met the best friend I have ever had. We became fast friends, often talking on aol instant messaging into the wee hours of the morning. Now, after 5 years, 4 in person get togethers, and more than can be counted crises...we are best friends in every way we can be even though we live 1000 miles apart.

So, back to the topic...Connections Abound...

My friend and I made an instant connection. After 3 years, she told me her daughter's due date. June 11, 2002. I was shocked...that is MY birthday. I still marvel sometimes that my best friend's daughter's due date was on my birthday.

Over the past couple of years, I have also become friends with someone else through Share. And I noticed recently that her daughter died on my best friend's daughter's due date. And my birthday. June 11.

Another connection...this past March, when we had our training, someone came from Vermont. She is absolutely wonderful, and is a new Share gro

I'm almost afraid to write this...aftraid I will jinx it if I put my relief into written words. Tony got the job at the zoo. I still can't believe it. It's been a little more than 48 hours since he was called and offered the job. 48 hours of relief. 2 nights of peaceful sleep. (Well, really only one night of peaceful sleep since Friday night I had to pick Brandon up from work at 2 am!)

I'm having a hard time believing it's really real. I don't know if I will until the first day he goes to work there.

I can't even write anything else about it right now. So I'm not even going to try. Maybe another day.

Switching topics...Brandon's high school graduation was yesterday. What a wonderful day, but I really didn't think I'd be as emotional as I was. Honestly, after what a struggle it's always been for us with him and school...until yesterday, I had just been feeling relief, profound relief, that he finished high school and was graduating. Mom and I were even talking about that very thing as we were in the Family Arena waiting for it all to start. I told her how so many people I knew with kids graduating were having a hard time dealing with it, but *I* wasn't. I may have even sounded a bit proud about not having a hard time dealing with him graduating.

No sooner were the words out of my mouth when Pomp and Circumstance began. And so did the tears.

Pomp and Circumstance played for a long time. (It takes a long time for over 400 kids to file in.) And it is not easy to hide tears from your very unemotional husband who is sitting on one side of you and your mother who is sitting on the other side, who just listened to you telling her that you weren't having a hard time at all with your child graduating. LOL I sat there wondering if anyone would think it was strange if I put on sunglasses. And wishing Brandon's graduation was on the football field as mine had been so no one would think I was odd for putting on sunglasses.

This mom who was not emotional about high school graduation sat there remembering his first day of kindergarten so very vividly...I even remember what he was wearing on his first day of kindergarten...I kept thinking about how fast time passes. One second, he's a screaming newborn, making me a mom for the first time, the next, he's holding and cuddling his newborn baby brother, the next, he's going off to kindergarten, then middle school, then high school....time sped by faster than I wanted it to.

Now, he's an adult. He's 18. He has a job. He's out of high school. He wants to join the National Guard. How did that all happen, seemingly overnight? He's maturing and becoming more independent. And isn't that the goal of parenthood? Raising a tiny, helpless newborn who squeezes your finger when you place it in the palm of his hand as if he's hanging on for dear life and gazes into your eyes with such love into a man who can think for himself and make his own decisions? That's the goal, isn't it?

Why does reaching your goal as a parent have to be not only the most rewarding but the most difficult milestone to reach?