For nearly six months, I plodded through life, doing what needed to be done, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me, my house, and my family….or like PigPen, surrounded by a dirt cloud. No matter what I was doing, even something fun, that black cloud was there, stealing my joy. I would catch myself thinking…how can I be having FUN right now when our future is so precarious? I often wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, and my first thought was always, “My husband has no job! What is going to happen to us?! Where will we live when we lose our house???!!”
I really did try…and try hard…to find the positive side of everything. Several times over those scary months, people often told me how well I was holding up, how they would have fallen apart. They may not have seen me fall apart, but I certainly did, numerous times in fact. I’m not proud to admit that, but I did.
So…Tony is finishing up his second week at his new job. He got his first paycheck today. His first pay check in nearly 6 months! I wanted to kiss it! And I thought to myself, “it’s really real…the Hell of the last 6 months is coming to an end!” It’s funny, because even though he’s been working at the zoo for two weeks, I still had this thought in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t really believe it until I saw a paycheck.
Today, I finally saw the paycheck, but for some reason, I still feel like that ugly black cloud is there.
Throughout this whole ordeal, I told myself that once he got a job, things were going to be different. I was no longer going to worry about some of the stupid, petty stuff that I often worry about. I thought that once he got a job, all of my problems would be magically solved, and I would walk around on a cloud of sunshine without a care in the world.
So, why has that not happened? Why do I worry now more than I ever did?
Maybe I am too cynical now. I keep waiting for the ball to drop…every time Tony calls me during the day, it’s almost like I’m expecting him to say, “oh, they told me today it was all a mistake, they meant to hire someone else.”
I am afraid to spend money on anything other than food and the other things that I have to pay if I want to continue having a house to live in and a car to drive. For the past 6 months, we have lived on the bare minimum….nothing frivolous from the grocery store, no new clothes or shoes for the kids unless they were absolutely needed, no new books for me (which was TOUGH let me tell you!).
Then yesterday, I bought a skirt at Kohl’s. It was cheap…$13. I didn’t “need” it, that’s for sure, but I wanted it. Several years ago, I bought a white eyelet skirt at Penney’s and I loved that thing, wore it all the time, until I caught it on a sharp corner at work last summer and ripped a huge hole in it. And this summer, I have missed wearing that skirt. So, yesterday I was in Kohl’s and found a cute white skirt and bought it. Two months ago, I would not have bought the skirt.
So there is a point to this skirt story…I felt so guilty after I bought that skirt. When I got home, I didn’t take the bag out of the car because I had pretty much talked myself into taking it back. I was so mad at myself for spending $13 on a skirt that I didn’t need. I really felt like something horrible was going to happen as a result of me being frivolous. I kept asking myself, “Have you not learned anything the past 6 months??” It sounds ridiculous, but I had this huge fear that because I spent money on a skirt, that something else awful was going to happen…I imagined a huge car repair, or our house air conditioner quitting…all because I bought a stupid skirt.
This afternoon, I went to Michaels to buy supplies for the cupcakes Rachel wants to make for her birthday. They are just cupcakes, but they have these cute little flowers made from candy melts. I bought 3 colors of the melts (white, yellow and lavender) and squeeze bottles to put them in. And yellow gel color for the frosting. Again, the guilt…I should not be spending money on something so silly as flowers for the tops of cupcakes!
Again, that dark cloud hovering there…right after I left Michaels, Tony called. When I saw on caller id that it was him, I was afraid to answer…
And now for the biggie…
I am going to Maine in a few weeks. I shouldn’t have spent the money. I bought the plane ticket before Tony had a job. I didn’t take anything out of our account, I used money I made selling some things I no longer need, but I feel guilty anyway. I feel like something awful is going to happen because I spent money on a plane ticket. I think all sorts of awful things…the plane is going to crash, something horrible is going to happen to someone in my family while I am gone…I worry so much that I have a hard time even being excited about going.
SIGH.
So, when is this pessimistic cloud going to leave me in peace and go away?
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