Whine, Wine, Whine...

I know this is supposed to be a place for me to write happy things, and I will in a minute, but first, I’m going to whine. But only for a short time, and then I will be all positive and dancing in the rain. If someone is actually reading this, keep me in your thoughts, say a prayer, because I am struggling with too many things right now. Before I get into my “whine,” keep in mind that I KNOW that things can be worse. Believe me, I know that.

However, I am going to whine anyway. It’s my blog, and I will whine if I want to.

The past two weeks have totally sucked.

Yes, I know things can be worse.

Things have sucked though. Not only have the past two weeks sucked, but they have
been expensive.

Yes, I know things can be worse.

The past two weeks have cost us close to $3,000. And we aren’t finished yet.

Yes, I know things can be worse.

Just when I spent the weekend trying to wrap my head around just how much money we’ve spent the past two weeks, and I am feeling okay about it, we were slammed again.

Before I write this next part, YES, I know things can be worse.

Tony has been battling a knee injury since around Christmas time. Knee injuries are huge to runners, so he’s been in a rather unpleasant mood. He is one of those strange folks who loves running. He runs every day. He runs when he is stressed. He can get crabby when he can’t run.

Did I mention he hasn’t been able to run since Christmas? And it’s now February?

I’ve actually felt really sorry for him. I know how much he enjoys running, and he hasn’t been able to, and it’s been driving him crazy. He also had already signed up for a couple of marathons in the spring that he now won’t be able to go to.
Which brings me to my whine for today. Whine and wine. I need some cheese. ..

And YES, I know things can be worse. (Have I said that already?)
On Friday, he finally had an MRI on his knee. For a couple of days, it had been swollen huge, very painful, and he could hardly walk. Remembering three years ago when he had a blood clot and ended up in the hospital for 5 days, our doctor sent him immediately for an MRI. They told him on Friday that he didn’t have a blood clot, but of course, he would have to wait for the doctor to call him to discuss the results. She did that yesterday afternoon. And he has a torn ACL, and the meniscus has 3 tears. He’s already had surgery on both of those things before, so he knows the implications.

Yes, I know this can be worse.
However, he is going to need knee surgery, and he doesn’t have insurance right now. The rest of us do, but due to his blood clotting disorder, the new insurance company that we have since he started his new job in January won’t cover him for 9 months. He did buy some separate insurance, but it is really more of a major medical plan with a $5,000 deductible.

Yes, I know things can be worse.

But, having to pay for knee surgery right now really sucks on top of everything else. And he has to do it…I don’t think he will be willing to wait 9 months when he can barely walk right now.
Okay, my whining is over…

Like I said, (I think I said anyway), I know things can be worse. This time three years ago, he had no job and was in the hospital with a blood clot that ran the length of his leg, with parts of it settled in one of his lungs.
Not only have I been thinking of where we were this time three years ago, I have been thinking of this poor little girl whose Caringbridge page I have been reading. She just turned 2, and for the past year, she has been battling a horrific, very aggressive form of brain cancer. I read her page today, and her parents received the terrible news that her tumors have grown, she has more, and there is nothing else to be done for her.

So yes, I think I have made it clear that things can always be worse.

Sigh.

This whiny post comes on the heels of a post I wanted to write on Sunday but I didn’t have the mental energy to do it.
Sunday morning, I was feeling lazy, I had nothing to do (well, other than the laundry that was sweetly calling my name from the far corner of my basement). But it was early, I wasn’t in the mood for tackling chores yet, so I made a pot of peppermint coffee, poured some into a mug, grabbed a quilt, and watched a movie that was on Lifetime that I have always wanted to see…The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

I read the book years ago, and I absolutely loved it. I remember reading it and feeling so envious of girls who had friends like that. I never really did when I was young because my parents moved around too much for me to ever really develop close friendships. Until Sunday morning, I had never watched the movie though. It was really cute, and since it’s been a good number of years since I read the book, I didn’t analyze every little thing and compare it to the book like I normally do. That was nice since movies always comes up short in my mind, which takes away from my enjoyment of the movie. That didn’t happen on Sunday, and the movie was delightful.

At one point, the narrator of the movie, Carmen, says this (Or something close to this. I scrambled around looking for a paper and something to write with, and by the time I wrote it down, I had to paraphrase):

Being happy isn’t about everything always being perfect. Maybe it’s stringing together all the little and good things. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Wow, that really grabbed my attention. It made me think about how I so often base whether or not I am “happy” on whatever circumstances happen to be affecting my life at any given moment. I thought about how it is really hard to “be” happy when life sucks and there are so many imperfections.

That line about stringing all the little and good things together made me think about the bracelets I make. I usually pick a few, maybe only 2 or 3, really awesome, sometimes expensive, beads…sometimes, large, sparkling crystals, sometimes just one special bead… and then I fill in the spaces with filler beads that aren’t as flashy or eye catching or expensive. Yet strung all together, that mixture of perfect and not-so-perfect beads put together in just the right, perfect way, make a perfectly beautiful bracelet. And I know from past experience, that no one notices the tiny little insignificant beads that are simply there to fill up space. They notice the few show piece beads or better yet, the overall bracelet and how pretty it is with all of the beads combined in just the right way.

Without knowing what I was doing, I have always tried to look at life that way…noticing the wonderful parts and looking at the overall picture…while ignoring the not so wonderful parts…looking beyond the many imperfections. If I hadn’t spent my life doing that, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Lately though, I feel like I have forgotten how to ignore the yucky parts and focus on the good parts.
And then I read something in a book, or hear something in a movie, that gives me a kick in the ass and reminds me to focus on the good things in life when what I really want to do is curl up in bed with a book and quilt and a box of Kleenex and cry my eyes out.
Even though things can always be worse, they can still suck.