The Adventures of Ramblin' Rose, Explorin' Lauren and Traipsin' Rachel

I am writing this leaning against a pile of fluffy pillows on a bed in a Day’s Inn in Mason City, Iowa. The girls are sleeping and I am wide awake, so I went to the lobby in my pjs for a mediocre cup of coffee in a little Styrofoam cup and am embracing this quiet time to write about our day yesterday.

The girls were fired up and ready to roll when we finally were able to leave around noon. It was their idea to stop and pose in front of the car (I love their smiles!)

As we drove away from home, I told them there were only a couple of rules:

They couldn’t spend the entire day listening to their iPods
They couldn’t sit like zombies and text their friends all day
They couldn’t fight

I am happy to say that they followed most of those rules. Neither one of them put their earbuds in even once all day. They did text a bit, but not like they typically do when they are in the car. The only time they fought was over which side of the bed was best, and why Lauren always gets it when they have to share. Who knew a bed in a hotel has a “best” side. The things you learn that are so important to know.

We had a really fun day. The girls laughed and sang and told silly stories and asked me, and each other, really dumb questions.  They quizzed me every five minutes or less about where we are going. (I’m trying to surprise them!) Rachel started compiling a list of different states we saw on license plates. We talked about school starting next week and why Lauren is really nervous about her senior year. We talked about why Rachel is excited to be starting her sophomore year next week. The best reason, according to her, is simply that she is no longer going to be a freshman. The other reason is that her best friend Lindsay is in four of her classes. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing…

We made our first stop in Hannibal, Missouri, just two hours from home. Okay, so I lied about that…our first stop was really a Phillips 66 in Troy, Missouri, so that I could get a cup of coffee and so that Rachel could go to the bathroom. But, I’m not counting that because we were only 30 miles from home. 

We haven’t been to Hannibal since the summer Rachel was two, and I have no idea why.  It’s a really fun little town with lots of shops, restaurants, ice cream and candy stores and of course, places to buy cheesy souvenirs. Signs on the outskirts of town declare Hannibal as “America’s Hometown!” Mostly known as the boyhood home of Mark Twain, Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, Becky Thatcher and Injun Joe, Hannibal is a small town nestled on the banks of the Mississippi River, a part of the river that Mark Twain referred to as the most beautiful section of the river. It really is pretty there, and I was hoping the girls and I could take a cruise on the riverboat and have lunch on board, but we missed the departure time by 20 minutes. So we parked and walked around a bit, took a photo in front of a statue of Huck and Tom

Then climbed/crawled up about eleventy billion stairs.

 That photo above is a small part of one of the four sets of stairs that leads from street level to the tippy top of a river bluff. Whew. Even my athletic girlies were huffing and puffing by the time we got to the top. But, the views of the river from up there were well worth it. I want to go back in the fall because I bet it’s stunning.

 

Here is another of my favorite pictures from yesterday. Lauren took it through the windshield not long after we left home.

Yes, the sky really did look like that... The weather yesterday could not have been more perfect—I don’t think it even reached 80 degrees, which is unheard of in July. There was zero humidity, and it always amazes me just how clear blue the sky really is without that oppressive haze hanging in the air.

The rest of the day was pretty boring with not much to see once we crossed into Iowa. The medians and grassy areas on the side of the highway were a profusion of wild flowers—black eyed Susan’s, daisies, purple coneflowers and something else bright yellow. I wish I could have taken some photos, but I really didn’t want to stop and get out on the highway. I felt like I was driving through a postcard. The day wore on, the girls became quieter and napped some. As I sped north along the nearly deserted highway, I took full advantage of the time to listen to something other than country music. I relaxed and enjoyed the drive, feeling my mind clear as I focused on nothing but the girls and how much I was already enjoying our impromptu road trip.  

At the beginning of the day, I told Lauren and Rachel that we weren’t in a big hurry to get anywhere, and if we saw something interesting and wanted to stop, we would. They loved that idea and both told me at almost the exact same time, “Dad would NEVER do that!” They are right…he wouldn’t. We have to practically beg him to stop to use the bathroom and he would never stop to look at, oh, say the world’s largest rocking chair a giant man the size of a building holding a hot dog the size of a mini van no matter  how much we beg him to. As dusk began to fall and they were getting antsy and wondering where we were going to stop for the night, I needed gas, and as we were exiting the highway in Waverly, Iowa, I noticed a sign for a restaurant called The Fainting Goat. We all laughed and decided we had to find that restaurant and take a picture of it. It was well off the beaten path and we wasted a good twenty minutes on finding it, taking a quick photo and then getting back on the highway. But, it was worth it to hear the girls’ hysterical laughter as they jumped out of the car and posed in front of the restaurant. When we got back in the car, Lauren said, “Mom, dad would think that was so dumb, wouldn’t he?”

Smile…why yes, he would. So we decided we should text him the picture. He texted back saying, “You are never going to get there!” Translation: Why are you taking pictures of stupid things instead of hurrying to get where you are going?” I didn’t bother texting him back to tell him that this trip is about much more than just “getting where we are going.” He wouldn’t understand.

The very best part of the day happened after dinner as we pressed on  and made our way northwest through the heart of  Iowa farm country, land that at  times looks like a patchwork quilt created of every shade of brown and green. Lauren commented that she had never seen so many cows. You know me and sunrises/sunsets…well, the sunset we were privileged to watch spread over the sky last night was spectacular. Even the girls were impressed and urged me several times to pull over so we could take pictures. Most of them didn’t turn out very well, but I don’t think I have ever seen such a glorious sunset, not even over the beach. As far as we could see in any direction, the sky was swirled and layered with a  palate of oranges, yellows, pinks and purples of every hue imaginable. It is times like that when I wish for a better camera. After we took about 30 different pictures, none of which turned out as beautiful as the sky really looked, Lauren said, “I wish our eyes could take a picture right now.”  And Rachel said, “I don’t think I will ever forget this sunset.”  It was definitely a sunset worthy of a camera of better quality than my iPhone.

The really great thing that it seemed to last forever, and I think we drove with it right in front of us for a good 40 minutes or longer. When the show was over, it was time to stop for the night around 9:30.

As soon as I can rouse the girls from their bed, we will be on the road again. I can’t wait to see what our day brings!

 

Where in the World are Rose, Lauren and Rachel?

Our fly by the seat of our pants trip to wherever we end up has so far turned into a fly by the seat of our pants trip to….

No where.

Yep, no where. We haven’t even left home yet. Our suitcases, cooler and sweatshirts are sitting by the front door where they have been since 3 yesterday afternoon. 

Tony was supposed to be home at 4, and for the first time probably ever in my adult life, I was ready to go early. That’s how excited I was/am to get this show on the road. We were waiting for Tony to get home because my car pretty much sucks so we are taking his car.

At 4:01, Rachel excitedly said, “I thought you said Dad was going to be home at 4! Where is he?”

At 4:15, he called and said he couldn’t leave work until 4:30, he wanted to get the oil changed, and he wouldn’t be home until after 5.

At 5:01, Lauren and Rachel both tried to call to see where he was. He didn’t answer, and they were pissed.

(At least I know they are excited for our adventure and have gotten over being pissed off at me. That’s a very good thing, because they were really super pissed at me when our Florida plans didn’t work out).

At 6:00, Tony called, finally, after numerous texts and calls from the girls went unanswered, to tell me that he wanted to put new tires on the car before we go. Great, where do you get the special tires that Tony’s car has on it on a Friday night? Answer: you don’t. We had to wait until this morning for that.

It’s now Saturday at 10 AM. The car is waiting at Jiffy Lube for tires that haven’t yet arrived, and my level of frustration is rising. Rachel is convinced we aren’t going. She is once again pissed because her friends are going to Six Flags today, and she is just sure we aren’t going on our trip now. She is driving me bonkers and asking me every 5 minutes when the car is going to be ready, or if it’s not ever ready, will I drive her to Six Flags.

UGH. So much for being spontaneous.

I sure hope our actual trip turns out better than just getting it started has turned out. I swore to myself I was going to blog about our adventures and fun. I only hope I have something to actually blog about. 

Where Will We End Up?

I could have titled this post a number of things…such as, “When Life Hands You Lemons, Make A Margarita  Lemonade.” Or, “Where in the World are Rose, Lauren and Rachel?” Or, “Life is Either a Grand Adventure or Nothing At All.” (not sure who to attribute that particular quote to, but it’s not mine). It could have been called, “My Trip to Florida That Turned into a Fly-by-the-Seat-of-My Pants Trip to…Who Knows Where!”

But, I chose “Where Will We End Up?” because that is going to be our story for the next few days. It will also be a story of making lemonades out of a bucketful of lemons. AND, a story of life is either a grand adventure or nothing at all. And we will most certainly be flying by the seat of our pants. But all of that was too long for a title. Although my last post had no title at all, so maybe a long title for this one would have been A Okay.

After having some impromptu plans I made fall through because I didn’t give enough thought to what I was planning, and after majorly disappointing my girls and I do mean MAJORLY disappointing them, (and myself too, I might add!) we had to come up with a new idea. I felt bad enough for my own reasons that our plans didn’t work out, but I felt extra bad because Lauren and Rachel were so very disappointed, even downright mad at me. It was my fault that things didn’t work out because I prematurely told them what I had in mind before I worked all the nitty gritty (important!) details. They were so excited, and then they were so angry at me when things didn’t turn out the way I expected they would. I know that is the way life plays out at times, but it wasn’t easy to see them so disappointed, especially when I was so down in the dumps about it myself.

SO, Lauren and Rachel decided we need to have some sort of fun girl’s trip anyway. Lauren even went so far as to say we should just fly by the seat of our pants (okay, so she didn’t really say THAT, but that is what she meant) and just get in our car and drive, see where we end up. I am really uneasy about that, though yeah, it does sound great and fun and very spontaneous and adventurous and chick flick worthy, but…well, I just can’t wrap my thoughts around driving for hours and seeing where we end up. I have been known to make plans without really thinking them through, even before this situation, and usually, they work out perfectly in the end. This time they didn’t, but at least in the past, there have been actual PLANS. Not having a plan frightens me. I like to have a plan, even if it’s not a well-thought out plan. I feel better having A PLAN.

Have I said the word PLAN enough? Why yes. I think I have.

While I don’t feel comfortable just throwing my girls and luggage in the car and speeding down the open road, I did the next best thing after Lauren said she wants to go south. I know that I don’t want to end up in Florida, since that is where I was supposed to be heading at 5 am tomorrow. I am pretty sure that would be way too depressing when I was already feeling depressed enough by how my uncarefully laid plans unraveled. So, I looked on google at a map of the United States, tried to determine where we could go, where there are interesting stops at various places along the way to wherever the heck we end up. I kind of broke the main rule of adventurous chick-flick worthy road trips and booked a hotel for tomorrow night in Memphis, only 5 hours away from home. (I think to make a really authentic road trip, you must not plan ahead, must stop at whatever no tell motel you happen to find when you are tired and it is time to stop for the night. I am way to chicken to do any such thing, so, I made a reservation. If we cross paths with someplace charming and quaint and unable to be passed up, we will stay there instead. But, for now, I take comfort in knowing that I have a destination, even if I am flying by the seat of my pants. For now, my plan is take the girls to Beale Street for some barbeque tomorrow night, maybe find a place to listen to some music, take a riverboat cruise Saturday afternoon, drive by Graceland and go from there. If we feel like leaving, we will leave Sunday morning to drive to New Orleans. It’s only another 6 hours or so, and I plan on stopping wherever and whenever we feel like it, and who knows where we will end up. I only hope it somewhere lively and fun. I hope it is somewhere the girls and I can make some delightful memories that we will treasure forever.

I am taking my computer on this grand adventure we are about to embark on, and I will post some awesome pictures and stories (hopefully!) that will (hopefully!) take my mind off what I wish I really was going to be doing the next few days.

Stay tuned. Who knows where we girls will end up. But, I have no doubt it will be a grand adventure. I’m sure it’s hot in the south, so we will probably drink lots of lemonade, too.

On Monday, I had a long, glorious phone call from Brandon. When my phone roused me from sleep just before 6 am, I almost didn’t answer it because the caller id said Unknown. For a second, I thought that no one who I didn’t have their number programmed into my phone would have any reason to be calling me at such an hour, but I answered anyway, out of curiosity.

I’m so glad I did, because it was Brandon on the phone! Brandon, whose voice I have not heard for nearly six months! I shamefully admit, I started to cry, all of the emotions I’ve  had over the boys being in the Navy and so far away from home, all of the  emotions I’ve had over the struggles and setbacks they have had, all of that bubbled over into a stream of tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping from my chin.

Thankfully, I quickly pulled myself together before Brandon knew I was crying, and I spent the next 2 ½ hours drinking cup after cup of coffee and catching up with my son. And, oh how wonderful that was! I talk to him pretty regularly on facebook, but our conversations typically go something like this:

Me: How is everything going?

Him (15 minutes later) : Good.

Me: What have you been up to? Have you visited any cool places lately?

Him (15 minutes later): Yup.

Me:  Okay, where have you been and what have you done?

Him(15 minutes later):  A zoo. An amusement park. A hike.

Me: Sounds fun! Where did you go hiking?

Then he logs off. And writes to me two days later to tell me where he went hiking.

You get the idea.

Every once in a while, we will have a really nice conversation, but I do mean every once in a while. Like once every 6 weeks. And those usually happen around 5 am. I keep tabs on him mostly through the pictures that he posts periodically.

It has been especially difficult and challenging for the past few months for me to be satisfied with these short, rare bursts of conversation. I know they are better than nothing, and sometimes often, I berate myself for feeling the slightest bit sorry for myself and boo-freaking-hooing over not getting to talk to him. In those moments, I think of moms whose sons were in the military, fighting wars when communication relied on the mail which was hit or miss and could sometimes take months to arrive at its destination. So yes, I know I have it good, very good, compared to THAT. My sons are not fighting in a war. I can write messages to them on facebook and via text. So, believe me, I do know how much worse, how much harder, things could really be for me. While I acknowledge how much harder and scarier it could be…it’s still been hard.

I haven’t told anyone this, but Brandon has been through some adversities the past few months, and it’s been really, really tough to not be able to talk to him or do anything to help. I have wanted to write about it, but every time I have tried, I didn’t know how to begin. I think that is probably because I don’t feel comfortable sharing the nitty gritty details in a public manner like this as that wouldn’t be fair to Brandon.  I will say that back in April, he told me some stories of things he went through in high school that were quite hard to hear, or rather read, especially knowing that he is now trying to deal with the ramifications of those things, four years after he graduated. Then, about a month ago, he had sort of a “meltdown” and was so down on himself, so distraught, and I was very worried about him. I mean, REALLY worried about him. I’m sure it added to my worry knowing that he is so far away from home and there was not one thing I could do to help him, not even have a real conversation with him.

With both of those things combined, I have had a couple of months of sleepless nights—nights spent  worrying and  praying…and wishing that I could just  talk to him. Throughout this past year, from the very day he enlisted in the Navy, I have told myself how wonderful it would be for him, how life transforming it would be. This time last year, he was working at a convenience store and riding his bike 8 miles each way through all weather, and I have had concerns about him for many years. Then, he joined the Navy, and while that brought on a whole new set of worries if I let my mind wander too much, at the same time, I had faith that this path he chose would lead to great things for him, that he would find his place in the world.

That faith has been a more than a little bit rocked from its axis and shaken these past few months.  

So, when I say that hearing his voice from 6,000 miles away the other day was great is a HUGE understatement.

Thankfully, he seems and sounds like he is doing really well. Better than well, actually. He talked practically non-stop for that two plus hours. He has always been a bit of a chatterbox, and he still is. I remember times when his chattering bordered on being annoying, but Monday, I loved it because I could hear for myself that while he has had many challenges and difficulties, he is still very much Brandon. He genuinely seems to be enjoying his time in Japan—he loves hiking and back packing and told me that he has subscribed to a magazine devoted to hiking spots, and he is purchasing camping equipment. He told me about some hikes he has gone on, and he is excited that his entire ship is going to hike on Mt. Fuji on August 1. He also has a friend that is teaching him to play the guitar, something he has wanted to do for a long time.

There was much more to our conversation, but the details don’t matter. What matters is how good it did my heart to talk to him, to hear for myself that he is doing okay, to know that he loves what he is doing and enjoying his time in the Navy. I felt such relief at the end of that call—such a release of so much stress and fear that has suffocated me for much of the last year. When the boys joined the Navy, he was the one I worried the most about.

But, he is experiencing and seeing things that most of us never will, and he is embracing it all. When we finally had to hang up because I needed to get ready for work, I told him I loved him and that we all miss him. He sounded a little choked up while he very casually said, “Yeah, I kind of miss you guys, too.” He’s not a very emotionally demonstrative person, so I took that in the same spirit that I take Justin’s “I miss you guys soooo much” tearful phone calls that come at least once a week.  

I can’t write about my feelings after talking to Brandon without writing about my thoughts I’ve had over the past year. It’s impossible to not think about this time last summer when the boys enlisted in the Navy and  I envisioned myself pouring out my thoughts through writing as time went on, creating for myself something I would be able to look back on in years to come.

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.

 I tried, I really did. I sat in front of my computer many nights, glass of wine/tea/coffee/water, whatever I was in the mood for next to me, and I tried to write. I tried to put my thoughts into words, and it just didn’t work. I wish that I could have preserved this last year in a permanent way rather than just my own memories and thoughts.  When I envisioned pouring my heart out into words on my computer screen, it was before I knew how honest  to God HARD this would be. Before I knew lots  of things.

 Before I knew how it would feel to be in St. Charles, Missouri while your son has a crisis in Japan and there is nothing you can do to help.

Before I knew how heart-wrenching it would be to hear your son crying into the phone.

 Before I knew what it would be like to go six months without talking to one of your children.

Before I knew how hard it would be to have your child go out to sea on a ship with no idea whatsoever as to how long he would be out to sea and when I would be able to talk to him again.

 I’ve never had such a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. I know that someday, I will regret that I didn’t try harder to write more often.

It has been a difficult year. We have spent time with Justin, and that has been wonderful and maybe that is why I had the reaction that I did to talking to Brandon. After all, I haven’t seen him since the beginning of January. I probably won’t see him for a very long time. He will likely be a completely different person than the person he was when he left for Japan. I expect that, but at the same time, I pray that the changes that take place in his life are good, wonderful changes. I pray that the struggles and challenges he has faced in the past 6 months turn him into a stronger person, that he takes to heart the things he has learned . Most of all, I hope and pray that he takes his hardships and uses them to make his life better. So far, he seems to be doing just that.

Facing the Sun

A few years ago, I signed up for a daily inspirational email to be sent to me from a website called The Brave Girls Club. My coworker Megan told me about it, and as soon as I signed up, I was hooked because they are not preachy religious inspirational, but rather a bit silly and cute, and they always come with a greeting such as Dear Marvelous Girl. Some days, I don’t even read them, but I save them all, and when I am bored, I will sometimes read those I have saved all at once. Other times, I do open them daily, many times, I find it so surprising that the day’s topic often addresses something that is weighing on my mind and heart. Yesterday’s message was one of those. I haven’t looked at them for well over a week, and yesterday morning when I checked my email, I opened it. This is part of what it said:

It’s no fun to go through a stretch of yuck in your path. So make it as fun as you can. Keep your face toward the sun. Keep your heart safe. Nurture your soul. Feed yourself good stuff.

I loved it. Especially the “feed yourself good stuff” part.

That message reminded me of why I started writing this blog nearly three years ago…to live well in spite of whatever crappy thing is going on in my life. I don’t always follow my original mission of “dancing in the rain,” but I do keep the thought of it in the back of my mind at all times, even times that I find myself overwhelmed with…well…shit. I wish I was better…so much better…at looking on the bright side of everything as I should, and I feel like such a failure at times. Yet, I have somehow managed to accumulate a few readers of my lowly blog, women who write at times to tell me that I have inspired them to find more joy in the grind of daily life, and while I think that is great, I don’t feel like much of an inspiration most days. A part of me is kind of saddened by that too, because those who say that don’t really “know” me; they don’t know of the things I struggle with in life. In a nutshell, I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I’m not really “living” the way others think I do.

That all said, back to the topic at hand. Reading that passage from The Brave Girls Club yesterday made me feel okay about what I write here. I feel okay about being somewhat inspiring even though my life is often chaotic and in turmoil. I realized as I read yesterday’s message that what is important is for the most part, I DO try to make my life “fun,” and most days, I DO keep my face toward the sun. (Most days is good enough, right?) I do things every day to nurture my soul and feed myself good stuff. I do at least one soul-nurturing thing every day, even days when all I really want to do is crawl under a quilt or get in my car and drive somewhere far away where I can hide out.

I have been feeding my soul good stuff lately and keeping my face toward the sun. I’ve tried some new cookie recipes. I make a new homemade ice cream recipe at least once a week. I am growing herbs in pots on my deck that I have been enjoying using when I cook. (I made my first ever batch of pesto and my favorite bread recipe is so much better when I can go out to my deck and snip a few sprigs of Rosemary rather than dumping it out of a jar.) I painted my rocking chairs a beachy shade of aqua, and every morning, I enjoy my coffee on the porch. I went to a local orchard and picked blueberries that I made into jam. I take early morning walks with the dog. I have tackled many small projects around the house. Every day, I am thankful that I have things I enjoy doing that occupy my mind and hands and nurture my soul because I don’t know where I would be without those things. Those things are completely necessary to my well-being right now.

Also good for my well-being is a trip we took to Ft. Worth last week to visit Justin. Before we left, I was looking forward to it yet dreading it at the same time. I was looking forward to it  for a couple of reasons, the most important one being that we were going to spend three whole days  with Justin. When he was home in May, I barely saw him during the two weeks of his visit as he was so busy running around and hanging out with his friends. Three days without having to “share” him with anyone was something I was really looking forward to. Also, my niece Jean drove up from San Antonio, and I was very excited to see her. I hadn’t seen her since last summer, and I hadn’t yet met her little Annabelle, who is almost 8 months old.

I was also dreading the trip because I know that Justin isn’t happy in Texas, and while it’s hard enough talking to him on the phone and hearing the unhappiness in his voice, I wasn’t sure  how I would handle it when I saw and talked to him in person. I’m not very good at keeping my emotions in check these days, and I worried that I would be a puddle of tears. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Justin or Tony.

Well, I am happy to report that the weekend was wonderful. Justin was so happy to see us. So happy in fact that he tried to stay awake all night so that he could meet us at our hotel when we arrived at 4 AM. While I know that he is not happy down there, he reassured me that he is making the best of his situation. He has joined a gym and works out every day with a new friend; he has met a girl that he seems to really like, and he spends a lot of time on his days  and evenings off exploring the Dallas Ft. Worth area. One night, just the two of us were sitting by the pool. It was the only time I was alone with him the entire weekend, and I could see that he had been trying to put up a good front for Tony—he does not want Tony to know that he is not all that happy with what he is doing or where he is at since Tony was so unsupportive of his decision to join the Navy. I flat out asked Justin if he was happy, or if he regretted joining the Navy, and I told him he could be honest, that I wouldn’t tell his dad what we talk about. He assured me that he does not regret joining the Navy, but he doesn’t like living in Ft. Worth, and he doesn’t really like his job all that much. He did say that he is still learning, and he thinks he will eventually get used to it and like it. He said that it has all been a bit of a shock—when he was in boot camp, everyone was on the same level, and when he was in school in Pensacola, everyone was new and on the same level. Now, he is on a real base, working a real job, and he is part of the lowest of the low at a rank of E1. He is having a hard time adjusting to that. He said that he knows that will get better, that it is just part of being in the military, but he doesn’t like it. LOL

Then, he said something that did make me cry, but fortunately, it was dark, and I don’t think he knew I was crying. He said to me, “Mom, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes, you do what you have to do to make the best of it.” That’s not what brought on the tears though. What made me cry was when he went on to say that he knows life hasn’t been easy for our family for a while now, but that “you always make the best of everything and if you can do it, so can I.”

Quite honestly, I couldn’t believe those words were coming from my 19 year old son. It boggles my mind that he picked that up from me, and it makes all that I do to “dance in the rain” totally worth the effort it sometimes takes. It made me realize that I must do a better job of being positive and making the best of difficult situations than I realize.

That wasn’t the only awesome thing about our weekend with Justin, and on more than one occasion, I felt my heart go pitter patter. I already mentioned that Jean was driving up to spend Friday-Sunday with us. None of us had met her sweet little baby girl, and we were all so excited. Jean is like another of my children because she spent so much time with us when she was a young girl/teenager, and she even lived with us for a few months after her high school graduation. My kids grew up spending summers with her, and they were just as excited to meet Annabelle as I was. Justin, though, was over the top. When he knew she was getting close to the hotel, he waited for her outside on a bench. He grabbed Annabelle out of her car seat before they even made it into the hotel from the parking lot, and he did everything he could to not let anyone else hold her the entire weekend. He carried her around on his shoulders, put silly hats and sunglasses on her when we were out shopping; he held her in restaurants when he was finished eating, he played with her in the pool, and he asked me numerous times to take a picture of him with her. He pushed her around in her stroller. It was so much fun watching him interact with her, and I got a glimpse of him as an adult with his own kids. Not that I am in any hurry for that, mind you! Yesterday, Jean texted me and said that Justin texted her to say how much he missed her and Annabelle.

 It is hard to put into words how bittersweet this past weekend was. He has grown up and changed so much in the past year—he carries himself differently, more confidently; he has put on weight and has bulked up. I know he is not a kid anymore, but it is hard for me to look at him as not a kid. While I saw glimpses this weekend of the man he is becoming, and that was wonderful, I’m not going to lie, it is hard, so hard, having him so far away. Sunday morning when we were all hugging and saying goodbye, he didn’t let go for a long time.

In the theme of keeping my face to the sun…while the last year has been a bit of a challenge with both of the boys leaving home and joining the Navy, this weekend, for the first time I saw what may be ahead in the future. I saw that no matter what may be wrong in my life, no matter what mistakes I have made and will continue to make, I have raised some awesome kids who I am so proud of. What better reason than that can there be for always dancing in the rain and keeping my face to the sun?