On Monday, I had a long, glorious phone call from Brandon. When my phone roused me from sleep just before 6 am, I almost didn’t answer it because the caller id said Unknown. For a second, I thought that no one who I didn’t have their number programmed into my phone would have any reason to be calling me at such an hour, but I answered anyway, out of curiosity.

I’m so glad I did, because it was Brandon on the phone! Brandon, whose voice I have not heard for nearly six months! I shamefully admit, I started to cry, all of the emotions I’ve  had over the boys being in the Navy and so far away from home, all of the  emotions I’ve had over the struggles and setbacks they have had, all of that bubbled over into a stream of tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping from my chin.

Thankfully, I quickly pulled myself together before Brandon knew I was crying, and I spent the next 2 ½ hours drinking cup after cup of coffee and catching up with my son. And, oh how wonderful that was! I talk to him pretty regularly on facebook, but our conversations typically go something like this:

Me: How is everything going?

Him (15 minutes later) : Good.

Me: What have you been up to? Have you visited any cool places lately?

Him (15 minutes later): Yup.

Me:  Okay, where have you been and what have you done?

Him(15 minutes later):  A zoo. An amusement park. A hike.

Me: Sounds fun! Where did you go hiking?

Then he logs off. And writes to me two days later to tell me where he went hiking.

You get the idea.

Every once in a while, we will have a really nice conversation, but I do mean every once in a while. Like once every 6 weeks. And those usually happen around 5 am. I keep tabs on him mostly through the pictures that he posts periodically.

It has been especially difficult and challenging for the past few months for me to be satisfied with these short, rare bursts of conversation. I know they are better than nothing, and sometimes often, I berate myself for feeling the slightest bit sorry for myself and boo-freaking-hooing over not getting to talk to him. In those moments, I think of moms whose sons were in the military, fighting wars when communication relied on the mail which was hit or miss and could sometimes take months to arrive at its destination. So yes, I know I have it good, very good, compared to THAT. My sons are not fighting in a war. I can write messages to them on facebook and via text. So, believe me, I do know how much worse, how much harder, things could really be for me. While I acknowledge how much harder and scarier it could be…it’s still been hard.

I haven’t told anyone this, but Brandon has been through some adversities the past few months, and it’s been really, really tough to not be able to talk to him or do anything to help. I have wanted to write about it, but every time I have tried, I didn’t know how to begin. I think that is probably because I don’t feel comfortable sharing the nitty gritty details in a public manner like this as that wouldn’t be fair to Brandon.  I will say that back in April, he told me some stories of things he went through in high school that were quite hard to hear, or rather read, especially knowing that he is now trying to deal with the ramifications of those things, four years after he graduated. Then, about a month ago, he had sort of a “meltdown” and was so down on himself, so distraught, and I was very worried about him. I mean, REALLY worried about him. I’m sure it added to my worry knowing that he is so far away from home and there was not one thing I could do to help him, not even have a real conversation with him.

With both of those things combined, I have had a couple of months of sleepless nights—nights spent  worrying and  praying…and wishing that I could just  talk to him. Throughout this past year, from the very day he enlisted in the Navy, I have told myself how wonderful it would be for him, how life transforming it would be. This time last year, he was working at a convenience store and riding his bike 8 miles each way through all weather, and I have had concerns about him for many years. Then, he joined the Navy, and while that brought on a whole new set of worries if I let my mind wander too much, at the same time, I had faith that this path he chose would lead to great things for him, that he would find his place in the world.

That faith has been a more than a little bit rocked from its axis and shaken these past few months.  

So, when I say that hearing his voice from 6,000 miles away the other day was great is a HUGE understatement.

Thankfully, he seems and sounds like he is doing really well. Better than well, actually. He talked practically non-stop for that two plus hours. He has always been a bit of a chatterbox, and he still is. I remember times when his chattering bordered on being annoying, but Monday, I loved it because I could hear for myself that while he has had many challenges and difficulties, he is still very much Brandon. He genuinely seems to be enjoying his time in Japan—he loves hiking and back packing and told me that he has subscribed to a magazine devoted to hiking spots, and he is purchasing camping equipment. He told me about some hikes he has gone on, and he is excited that his entire ship is going to hike on Mt. Fuji on August 1. He also has a friend that is teaching him to play the guitar, something he has wanted to do for a long time.

There was much more to our conversation, but the details don’t matter. What matters is how good it did my heart to talk to him, to hear for myself that he is doing okay, to know that he loves what he is doing and enjoying his time in the Navy. I felt such relief at the end of that call—such a release of so much stress and fear that has suffocated me for much of the last year. When the boys joined the Navy, he was the one I worried the most about.

But, he is experiencing and seeing things that most of us never will, and he is embracing it all. When we finally had to hang up because I needed to get ready for work, I told him I loved him and that we all miss him. He sounded a little choked up while he very casually said, “Yeah, I kind of miss you guys, too.” He’s not a very emotionally demonstrative person, so I took that in the same spirit that I take Justin’s “I miss you guys soooo much” tearful phone calls that come at least once a week.  

I can’t write about my feelings after talking to Brandon without writing about my thoughts I’ve had over the past year. It’s impossible to not think about this time last summer when the boys enlisted in the Navy and  I envisioned myself pouring out my thoughts through writing as time went on, creating for myself something I would be able to look back on in years to come.

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.

 I tried, I really did. I sat in front of my computer many nights, glass of wine/tea/coffee/water, whatever I was in the mood for next to me, and I tried to write. I tried to put my thoughts into words, and it just didn’t work. I wish that I could have preserved this last year in a permanent way rather than just my own memories and thoughts.  When I envisioned pouring my heart out into words on my computer screen, it was before I knew how honest  to God HARD this would be. Before I knew lots  of things.

 Before I knew how it would feel to be in St. Charles, Missouri while your son has a crisis in Japan and there is nothing you can do to help.

Before I knew how heart-wrenching it would be to hear your son crying into the phone.

 Before I knew what it would be like to go six months without talking to one of your children.

Before I knew how hard it would be to have your child go out to sea on a ship with no idea whatsoever as to how long he would be out to sea and when I would be able to talk to him again.

 I’ve never had such a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. I know that someday, I will regret that I didn’t try harder to write more often.

It has been a difficult year. We have spent time with Justin, and that has been wonderful and maybe that is why I had the reaction that I did to talking to Brandon. After all, I haven’t seen him since the beginning of January. I probably won’t see him for a very long time. He will likely be a completely different person than the person he was when he left for Japan. I expect that, but at the same time, I pray that the changes that take place in his life are good, wonderful changes. I pray that the struggles and challenges he has faced in the past 6 months turn him into a stronger person, that he takes to heart the things he has learned . Most of all, I hope and pray that he takes his hardships and uses them to make his life better. So far, he seems to be doing just that.