Maybe Christmas Doesn't Come From A Store

Perhaps, Christmas means a little bit more.

It was the night before Christmas when I started writing this, and I was quoting The Grinch. It seemed fitting for the way I was feeling particularly Grinchy a few weeks ago. Not Scroogy, as in stingy, just Grinchy. Not at all in the mood for Christmas. I had some worries weighing heavily on my heart and mind, and I was also feeling down because it was going to be the first Christmas I’ve spent without all of my children. I know that is the way life goes as kids grow up and move on with their own lives, but this was to be the first one for me, and I was dreading it. I was feeling sad and really having a difficult time conjuring up even a tiny bit of Christmas spirit. Last year, the boys were away at boot camp, and that was hard too, but I knew that we were going to be able to spend Christmas day with them. That helped my mood and got me through the weeks leading up to the big day. This year, Brandon was not going to be here, and I didn’t think Justin would be either. Hence the Grinchy feeling.

However, I rose to the occasion and decked out the house in all its Christmas glory the weekend after Thanksgiving. I think I set some sort of speed record, in fact. Typically, I get started lighting and garlanding the house the weekend after turkey day then spend the rest of the week putzing around and finishing up. There was no putzing around this year. By Sunday night after Thanksgiving, not only was I finished decorating inside and out, but my house was clean from top to bottom and all of the laundry was done. Quite a feat!

I am convinced that the festive atmosphere of my decorated house played a smallish part in expanding my smallish Grinchy heart. I found it impossible to not feel an abundance of Christmas cheer when my house appeared to be so filled with it. Driving up to my house each evening after work and seeing the glowing candles in the windows and even the giant blow up Santa and snowman that I secretly hate made it next to impossible to NOT have Christmas joy flow through me.

Really, how can one come home each day to this and not overflow with Christmasy joy?

 

 

 Once the decorating was finished, I began actively searching for other ways to improve my mood. I found things to do for others, which is always so very good for my soul. The past few weeks, it has not just been good for my well-being, but completely necessary, and slowly, even as I trudged my way through ice and snow, my heart began to warm to all of the merriment of the season.

Really late on Christmas Eve, or rather early on Christmas morning, I started writing this post. Overnight French toast, drenched in a delicious concoction of eggs, milk, butter, cinnamon and orange was in a foil-covered pan in the fridge waiting to be baked early Christmas morning while we unwrapped our gifts. A batch of my new favorite cookies (Oreo Peppermint Crunch) were cooling on racks on the counter. Homemade gingerbread that was to be made into a yummy trifle for Christmas dessert was in the oven and filling my house with its spicy, gingery aroma. Newly wrapped presents were piled beneath the tree. The stockings had been filled and hung with care.

In my house, that had been chaos and messy just a few short hours before, all was calm and bright. And so sweet smelling. And honestly, in that moment, the moment when I was drawn to my computer to write, all was well in my contented heart that thankfully, like the Grinch’s heart, had grown in size as Christmas neared.

I couldn’t help but think that the best things about Christmas really can’t be bought in a store. Yes, the ingredients to bake the treats that came from my hands that night had indeed come from a store, the wrapped presents under my tree came from a store. The tree and lights and 27 plus years collection of ornaments came from stores. But, my complete enjoyment of each of those things could not. It was only a few hours before the kids would be flying from their beds ready to celebrate, and yes, I was exhausted. My feet and back ached. My head hurt even after swallowing too many Tylenol tablets. But, I couldn’t help but think about so many very wonderful moments from the past week or so, moments that to me are what makes Christmas special.

The following thoughts will probably be scattered a bit. Like I said already, it was late, or rather early, and I wrote them as they came to me then, and I am writing them as they come to me now. Putting my thoughts out there in a scattered way seems appropriate since these things that helped me overcome my Grinch spirit have happened in random scattered, unexpected ways, yet it all came together in so many sweet, surprising, Christmasy ways.

Here are some of my favorite heart-swelling moments of Christmas 2013:

~The night before Christmas Eve, I was chatting with Brandon on facebook. We were talking about all sorts of things, I was feeling a bit sappy, and I told him some of the things I miss most about them all being little at Christmas. We shared a few laughs about a few incidents…like the year he snuck downstairs in the wee hours before anyone else was awake, tore a tiny little corner from each of his gifts so he could see what they were, then he went back to bed. After that Christmas, I started wrapping things in random containers like cereal and pop tart boxes whenever I could. The kids hated it because they couldn't tell by the size and shape of the box what it held, but I secretly chuckled like the evil mom that I am.

He told me the things he misses, and I wasn’t expecting what he mentioned. While most parents, including me, stress about getting the perfect gifts for everyone, having the money to get the perfect gifts, scouring the Christmas ads to find the best place to buy the most perfect toys, etc…nothing that he told me that he misses had anything to do with gifts. He told me he misses how they used to all sleep in the basement on Christmas Eve and watch The Christmas Story marathon. He misses our traditional Christmas morning breakfast. He misses the cookies I always bake and our Christmas Eve dinner of appetizers, snacks, and sweets. He misses driving around looking at Christmas lights with everyone in their new pajamas. He talked about the Christmas when I had them all convinced that I saw Santa streaking across the sky. (That was the year that Brandon was feeling like maybe Santa wasn’t really real, and I knocked myself out that year trying to convince him that he is because I wasn’t ready to give that magic up yet.  He fondly remembered how when they were really young, I would put baby powder on my feet and walk up the stairs and into their rooms, leaving a trail of Santa footprints up to each of their beds.

What he didn’t mention while talking about his favorite Christmas memories was the ridiculously expensive Lego set I drove all over the city looking for one year. Or the boxed set of Star Wars movies that was the only thing he asked for that I couldn’t find when he was in 5^th grade. Or any of the oh-so-important Nintendo DS or Xbox games that were always on his Christmas list every year.

That list could go on, and the list doesn’t matter. What matters is that not once did he mention a gift. It warmed my heart to know that little things we have always done, that to be honest, seemed like nothing, are what he remembers the most and misses.

~Justin came home for Christmas. It was an unexpected surprise. He got home in the middle of the night, and he told me the next morning how much he loved driving up to our house and seeing the Christmas lights. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and we would arrive at Aunt Mary’s house late at night after driving in from St. Louis and the first thing I would see was the giant Christmas bulbs that adorned the huge evergreen tree in front of her house.  

~An old friend who I rarely see or talk to anymore brought me a gift and said that when she saw it she knew she had to get it for me. It was a Willow Tree Angel called “Angel of Hope.” It really touched my heart that she thought of me.

~Christmas Eve night, Rachel’s best friend came over to give Rachel her gift, and she had one for me, too. I was so surprised. When I say this girl has had a tough year, that is an understatement. Her home life is a complete disaster, she’s been in and out of the adolescent psychiatric hospital 4 times since September, her mom is a total mess. She has spent so much time at our house in the past year, and while there have been too many times over the years that she has been less than kind to Rachel, she has come to realize what a good friend Rachel is to her. She spends the night here all the time-some weekends, she is here all weekend. She does her homework here, eats dinner here; she even went on a week-long trip to Chicago with Tony and the girls over the summer. She said her dad (who she doesn’t live with) gave her money to buy me a gift because she told him that I do so much for her that she wanted to get me something. Oh my, was I fighting the tears when she hugged me and told me that. She gave me this candle holder and a box of candles.

 

Other joyful Christmas simplicity moments:

~These two awesome girls, dressed up and ready to go to my work Christmas party at my bosses house. How cool is it that they coordinated their outfits to dress alike?

 

~A really sweet gift arrived from my brother Rick just before Christmas. It is a framed 11 X 14photo from when we were all together back in the fall. It is the first picture of my parents and all of my siblings since 1982. This picture represents so much healing for my family. Every time I look at it, it brings tears to my eyes. I look terrible in the photo, but I love it anyway.

 

~Mixing a treasured heirloom in with my newer Christmas decorations. The cloth on the table right inside my front door was made many years ago my Aunt Mary. I love getting it out every Christmas.

 

~All of my Willow Angels lined up in the kitchen window.

 

~The day after Christmas, Rachel had her boyfriend Chad over. Tony had to work, and the rest of us had a blast playing games. It was especially entertaining watching Justin interact with Chad and act like the tough, protective older brother. Rachel told us later that Chad was intimidated by Justin. Is it terrible that I secretly liked that?

~I have spent lots of time in the kitchen making cookies and caramel popcorn and toffee and tons of new recipes. Two weeks ago, I spent the weekend making all of Brandon's favorites to send him...puppy chow, Chex mix, buckeyes and chocolate covered pretzels. Then, it was time for round two when Justin got home, I tried to make all of his most favorite meals—spaghetti and homemade bread, potato soup and more homemade bread, pancakes and omelets and cinnamon rolls. I am officially all cooked out for a while. Good thing we have lots of leftovers.

~Keeping my dining room table set and ready for Christmas meals. I love Christmas dishes and I love using them. I love seeing them on the table, even when we don't eat in there.

~Having a Santa’s helper. Justin thoroughly enjoyed being the “grown up” kid and helping finish up Christmas shopping and wrapping. I enjoyed it, too.

 

~Tony and Justin enjoy hanging out watching Illinois basketball games.

~Spending early mornings before anyone else is awake watching Christmas movies.

~Justin’s best friend Sam’s mom messaging to tell me thank you for letting Justin spend time with them, telling me how much they have missed him.

~Spending Christmas Eve night wrapping presents while watching "It's A Wonderful Life." I never get tired of that movie. I think we can all use a once-a-year reminder of how our life impacts and is important to others.

~The day after Christmas, at 9 AM, Justin and Rachel went to the mall together to exchange gifts. I stayed home under a quilt watching a movie. They came home laughing after obviously having a good time together. He even bought her lunch at Chick Fil A. Those two used to fight with each other so much, so this was a very nice heart-warming moment indeed.

 

As I bring this to a close, I can’t help but think that to those reading, it probably sounds as if I had a picture perfect Christmas from beginning to end, but I did not. Not by a long shot. There were definitely some disappointing moments…moments when I really wanted to give in to my previous Grinchy-ness, crawl under my covers and tell everyone to take a hike and wake me up on December 26. There were moments when I wanted to cry, moments when I did cry, and honestly, some of those moments threatened to overshadow the really wonderful times I have already written about. However, I didn’t want to let them. I decided that I could let those times suck me down into my Grinch cave, or I could choose instead to focus on the wonderful, very sweet and merry moments and be thankful for them. The past week has held good, bad and ugly moments; life tends to be that way at all times, not just Christmas time, and I try to take the bad with the good while spending the most effort letting the spotlight be on the good things. It’s not always easy to do that, but I am so glad I did. As Justin gave me a hug before he headed back to Texas this morning, he held on so tight and said to me, “Thanks for making it an awesome Christmas, Mom. “ That made all the effort I put into banishing the Grinch from my home and heart the past few weeks totally worth it.