Beating to My Own Rhythm

I saw a quote on Instagram a few days ago about beating to your own rhythm. I didn’t save it, and I can’t remember who posted it so I can look for it again. I can’t remember the rest of the quote, either, but it sparked something in me because when I saw it, I immediately thought, “Yeah, that is me; I am definitely living and beating to my own, sometimes strange, rhythm these days.”

The first few weeks of staying home at the beginning of the COVID19 pandemic were challenging for me in general, but they were extra challenging in the “doing shit” category. I spent several weeks doing nothing that I did not absolutely have to do, even though I had so many things I could have been doing. Not only was my anxiety through the roof, I couldn’t find any motivation. I started to feel like a lazy slug, dragging and moping around day after day doing nothing productive. I read so many posts on FB and Instagram written by people talking about all they were accomplishing in their stay at home time, and I felt even worse. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I take advantage of this forced time at home and tackle all the projects that needed tackling in my house and life? It was a low time already and comparing myself to what others were doing made me feel lousy.

After a few weeks of feeling so low and anxious and trying unsuccessfully to find my groove, I began trying to give myself the grace I always try to give to others. I realized that my mental health had to be a priority if I was going to make it through this season without losing my mind, and comparing myself to others and what I thought I should be doing was not good for me. I eventually decided to give myself permission to simply “go with the flow.” No matter if the flow was a raging river or a lazy, meandering creek. Or a stagnant pond.

It has not been easy to lower my expectations of myself. I still want to measure myself against those productive people on social media. Other days, I find true inspiration in what others are doing and writing about.

I still have days here and there when anxiety gets the better of me, days when I mope and drag around. But if I have a day that I feel inspired to do something, anything, I do it. If I have a day when I feel like sitting on the couch all day watching Netflix, I do that, too, and I try to not feel guilty about it.

Some days, I go for a brisk one hour walk around my neighborhood or a 4 mile walk around Creve Coeur Lake or ride my bike. I feel so fantastic on those days, like I am ready to take on the world. Other days, I can barely make the effort to walk down to the basement and do laundry.

Some days, I get up and take a shower right away and even put on makeup. Other days, I stay in the same leggings and hoodie for two days and feel accomplished if I simply wash my face, comb my hair and brush my teeth.

Some days, I chop vegetables and eat lovely, healthy, gorgeous salads with homemade dressing. Other days, I survive on Doritos, grilled cheese sandwiches and peanut M & Ms.

I have (mostly) stopped beating myself up for the “other days.” Thankfully, those other days have become less the norm than they were in the beginning, and I am embracing the beating rhythm my life is in this season.

I am doing the best I can, and I wish I could have had that realization 10 weeks ago. (Wow, 10 weeks???)

The weather the past few weeks has been less than stellar, but my weekends have been productive. I love spring when I can get outdoors. The past three weekends have been full of trimming, planting, mulching, pruning, raking, sweeping, sweating, and last but not least, aching. 😊 Now, my favorite day of the year is here. The day it is finished. 

 

(I sure do wish I could wave a magic wand over that tower of herbs ^^ on my deck and make them GROW faster. I can't wait to go out there with my scissors and snip pieces off to use when I cook.) 

 

I feel a real sense of accomplishment. My front porch looks inviting, and I made it through another spring of trimming bushes with an electric hedge trimmer and did not end up with an ER visit and stitches. 

Who knows what my rhythm will look like as life slowly returns to normal and I go back to the office next week, but I will continue giving myself permission to beat at my own rhythm. 

Right now, that means relaxing and rocking with a drink and a book.