I just returned from my long-anticipated trip to Maine. And what a trip it was! I don’t know if I will adequately be able to put into words just how wonderful it really was, and how much it meant to me, but I’m going to try.

Over the past few months, I have looked so forward to this trip for several reasons, the main one simply being that I was going to be spending time with a dear friend I don’t get to see often enough. Other reasons are harder to explain, but like I said, I will try!

We are friends brought together by tragedy…the death of her daughter. If not for that, we would never have met. That thought is always hovering in the back of my mind, but it has been even more so lately. I traveled to Maine for her oldest daughter’s wedding, a wedding that her daughter who died would have been an integral part of... should have been an integral part of.

I know a friend is no substitute for a daughter, but since her daughter wasn’t there, I wanted to be. Needed to be. That may sound silly, but I felt this desire to be a part of this special time in Barb’s life. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, while I was counting the days until my trip, I was also thinking about how much I wished that her daughter were there…even though if she were, I wouldn’t be. Such a vicious circle, one whose never-ending path I have traveled around too often.

Another reason I looked so forward to the trip is that I love spending time with Barb’s family. I love all of them almost as much as I love her. They are always so welcoming to me when I am there and make me feel as if I am part of the family. I can relax and be myself around them and they don’t think I’m silly or weird. Well, maybe they do at times, but if they do, they hide it well! I never feel as if I have to try to be someone or something I’m not.

This past week was no exception. I don’t think I have ever been more comfortable around a friend’s family or in a friend’s home. Not only her kids and husband, but even her extended family and her friends, who I had not met before. Everyone, from her neighbors to her brother and sisters to her father and in laws were so kind to me. Her father even took me out to dinner with the entire family. To be included in her family get togethers meant so much to me. More than I can say. While I usually feel really nervous and unsure of myself around people I don’t know, those feelings quickly disappeared because everyone was so friendly, kind and welcoming. I never felt as if I was in the way, or as if I shouldn’t be there. I felt as if I was right where I should be and I’m so very glad I went. This trip was just what I needed.

I feel incredibly lucky and so very blessed to have not only Barb, but her family as well, in my life. And it was so hard to leave. I was missing my own family, who I had never been away from for so long, yet I also felt like I was leaving family when it was time to go home—each time I leave, it is harder to do.

I truly enjoyed every moment of my time there. (Even the times I know Barb thinks I didn’t!) I loved helping with last minute wedding preparations. I enjoyed hanging out and chatting with her kids. Going out for ice cream. Doing just nothing. My last day there was bittersweet…we finally had some time to ourselves, took a drive, went out to lunch…it was a beautiful day, the perfect way to end the week, though it was laced with a touch of sadness that we can’t do those things more often. I wish my friend and her family who have all come to mean so much to me weren’t so far away. But, I have some great memories to tide me over until the next visit…it was a week I know I won’t soon forget.

Family

I just returned yesterday from my long looked forward to trip to Maine. And what a trip!

I'm often amazed at the seemingly innocent things I come across that turn me into a puddle of tears. Maybe I'm just more emotional than normal after my family weekend last week...

I was just catching up on Facebook, and read this post from my aunt written to her daughter:

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABYDOLL!!!!!!! Love you bunches, Momma

Sigh...as soon as I read it, I could feel the tears welling up, and even though I tried to stop them...it didn't work.

How can this woman be my mom's sister, my mom who virtually ignores my birthday. And why is a birthday such a big deal anyway? And why do I feel like the world's biggest baby for even writing this?

I'm trying hard to keep this blog positive, not a place to whine, but that is just how I am feeling today. Whiney.

Doing Time

This morning, I was awake early...what's new there...and started watching a movie on Lifetime Movie Network. My favorite past time when I'm awake before anyone should be. It was a movie about a family who on the outside seemed like the perfect family...the dad owned a restaurant, the mom stayed home and took care of her family. One of the sons had gone to Yale. He was the perfect, golden child. While they seemed perfect on the outside, things were far from perfect.

Turns out the parents were extremely controlling and critical. Nothing was good enough for them except for the son who went to Yale. One son was an alcoholic and his dad told him at one point that every time he looked at him, he was thankful he had another son. The daughter was married to a man who the dad looked down upon because he didn't make enough money. This same daughter was going to have an abortion without even telling her husband she was pregnant because she was so afraid of what her parents would think of her having a baby before she and her husband were financially secure enough to afford a baby. The son who went to Yale...turns out he was gay, and he decided that his parents would be better off if he were dead rather than know he was gay, so he tried to kill himself by running his car into a telephone pole.

Their perfect little world came crashing around them after the son tried to committ suicide, and he decided to tell his parents and everyone else why. Then, the husband of the sister told her he'd found out she was going to have an abortion. She told him she didn't really want to have an abortion, but she couldn't handle facing her parents. He told her in so many words that she needed to stop living her life trying to please her parents...that he was not one of her parents, that she had done her time...

I know this was a fictional movie, but it has haunted me all day. As someone who has very controlling parents, as someone who has spent most of my life trying to please them but always falling short...I can't stop thinking about the daughter's husband telling her, "You've done your time."

So...I've done my time.

But how do I stop doing more time? How do I stop trying to please them, when I haven't been able to in 46 years? What makes me think I'm going to all of the sudden click on some switch that is going to reverse things?

The movie I watched this morning had a happy ending. The dad made ammends with the alcoholic son who felt his father didn't love him. He made the son who was gay promise he would never try to kill himself again...he told him that he could learn to deal with his son being gay, but he couldn't deal with his son being dead. He said it would kill him.

Unfortunately, I don't think real life necessarily has such neat and tidy happy endings.

But, oh how I wish it did.

Memories...Part 1

I just returned this afternoon from a weekend visit to my hometown. I don't go there often since my parents no longer live there, but I love it there and do wish we could go more often. We had a really nice time...it was the first time in years that Tony, the kids and I were all there for an entire weekend. Usually, we go for quick trips, me and a few kids, for weddings, funerals, etc.

This weekend, I was sort of looking forward to it, sort of dreading it. I went for a family reunion my youngest brother organized. He was hoping for some family "fence mending" and had invited several people who have been on the outskirts of the family for many years. So I was dreading it for that reason, because I was unsure of how it would all turn out, and I don't like not knowing how things are going to turn out! I was looking forward to it because I don't get to see my brother that often, and I really enjoy spending time with him and his family. My sister and her family were staying there too, and we don't often spend time together.

I also had plans to get together on Saturday morning with an old friend of mine from college. Kellie and I became good friends our freshman year, and even though she quit going to college and got married when I went away for my junior year, we remained close for many years. Then I moved to Omaha, then St. Louis, and as we both got older, had kids, life got in the way, and we didn't see each other as often, but always made sure we sent Christmas and birthday cards, and I would usually try to see her when I was in town visiting my parents. Since my parents moved away from there, I hadn't seen her in probably 8 or 9 years, and I was really looking forward to seeing her and meeting her fiance.

So, while I'm drained right now, physically and emotionally, I want to write about my weekend while it's fresh in my mind, but I don't think I'm to my normal rambling self. I'll keep the highlights short and sweet but I may need to revisit some things another time.

*driving into Olney is always such a bittersweet moment, driving in past the lake where Aunt Mary lived...I always feel a pang of missing her as we drive over the little bridge. I can look to the right and see the back of her house, close my eyes and imagine Uncle Dan at the end of the dock fishing. I can imagine me as a little girl sitting at a picnic table in the back yard eating Aunt Mary's yummy food. I can remember her 1950's white formica topped table with gold flecks in it and silver legs...I always want to turn off the highway onto the gravel lane that leads to her house, but I never do unless I'm by myself because Tony doesn't "get" why I want to go there. I don't either, really.

*three of the family members I was worrying about attending the reunion did not show up. A part of me felt relieved by that, but another part wishes that our family could heal so many past hurts. While it was awkward at the beginning, but the time everyone was packing up their lawn chairs and coolers, there were many hugs and tears and promises that we must do this again.

*while it was wonderful to see the family who did show up, it was so strange being there with my cousins who I grew up spending so much time with...summers at the lake, Christmases at my grandparents...one of my cousins (who is younger than me!) is a grandparent! How did THAT happen??? And I'd never even met his granddaughter, who is 4. My cousins kids showed up with spouses and boyfriends I had never met. One cousin has a little girl I'd never met. So while it WAS fun to see everyone, it was all laced with a bit of sadness for all that has happened that tore us apart. And the REALLY sad thing is that it had nothing to with us (with me, my sister, my brother, or my cousins) but with our parents who cut each other out of their lives, leaving all of us cousins unable, or maybe just unsure of how to continue to have a family relationship.

*I had a great time getting together with Kellie. While I was on my way to the restaurant, I was so nervous, wondering what we would have to say to each other after so much time had gone by, but it really was like we'd seen each other only a few months ago. We reminisced about old times, probably boring her fiance silly, shared pictures of our kids, talked about what is going on our lives now, jobs, her wedding in 2 weeks...we packed a lot into an hour and a half! The only negative...when I was getting out of the car to go into the restaurant, in the pouring down rain, I accidentally locked the keys in the car. My poor husband...I had to call him, and he spent nearly 2 hours trying to break into our car so we wouldn't have to call a locksmith on a holiday. He was not too happy with me, that's for sure.

*as I usually always do when I'm in Olney, I drive by our old house and the homes where my 2 grandmothers lived. Again, such wonderful memories come to mind...raking leaves into huge piles and jumping in them in Grandma Kieffer's yard, feeding the white squirrels in my grandma Fulk's yard...sitting in rocking chairs on Grandma Fulk's patio...so many more, too many to list her.

*when I drove by Grandma Kieffer's house, I was glad to see that someone new seems to have bought it and is really making it look beautiful from the outside. They have put up a porch railing on the huge wrap around porch that reminds me of the one I've seen in pictures from when it was newly built in the late 1800's. I'm not crazy about the blue siding, but then it's not my house! LOL Every time I see that house, I have to admit, I almost get a little pissed off, thinking how *I* would make that house look if it were mine...I'd have ferns hanging around the porch, white wicker swings, pots of flowers....white lattice under the porch...it never looks the way I imagine it. Today, I noticed there are banners hanging in several places around the porch announcing the arrival of a new baby boy. That gave me a good feeling (the last owner was an older man)...a new generation will hopefully grow up in that house that holds so many memories for me.

Sigh...I'd like to write more about my weekend, but I don't think I can right now.

A walk down memory lane...

And I'm not sure it's going to be a pleasant walk.

In a couple of hours, we are heading to Olney for the weekend for a family reunion. While I'm excited to see some cousins and other family members I haven't seen in years, my brother Rick is going to be there. I haven't seen him since 1982.