I am settling in for a long holiday weekend at home pretty much by myself while my family is spending the weekend in Virginia Beach. Why? Because I have a big work project (that writing thing that I have written about numerous times) hanging over me…it’s is due on Tuesday, and I still have a ton of work to do on it. So, I am home alone with the dog, and sometimes, Justin.
I’m trying to not be depressed about it. I’m trying to look on the bright side and think of the GOOD things about this weekend besides uninterrupted time to work.
*I can eat whatever I want and not have to worry about cooking for everyone else. I am going to make everything that I like that no one else does. I’m going to make a pot of broccoli cheese soup and I may just eat it every day. I’m also going to buy ice cream that I like rather than the boring stuff, like vanilla and strawberry that everyone else likes. I ate crab dip on Rosemary/Olive Oil Triscuits for dinner.
*My house is clean, and it will stay that way for a whole 5 days. That does not happen often. Well, it happens less than often. It happens never actually.
*I have 5 whole glorious days of not having to drive anyone anywhere. Ever. I don’t have to pick Rachel up from play practice or drive her to and from friend’s houses. I don’t have to take or pick up anyone from work (except myself), and best of all, I don’t have to go out at 1 am to pick Brandon up from work. My gas bill is going to be about nothing this weekend, because after I get home from work on Friday, I don’t have to go anywhere that I don’t want to go.
*I can watch what I want to watch at night on TV. Or, not watch TV at all. I won’t have to hear sounds of Cardinal games as background noise in my house every night. Best of all, I won’t have to hear the sounds of my husband and son screaming at the TV during Cardinal games. The Cardinals pretty much suck right now, so I hear lots of screaming most nights. But I won’t have to this weekend.
I’ll focus on what I don’t have to do this weekend rather than what I do have to do…which is write something that I have grown to hate with a fiery passion. I am also going to focus on the fact that this time next week, I will be done done done. Well, except for working with the editor on any changes that will need to be made, but I can deal with that. I think.
I will also focus on what I don't have to do this weekend instead of what I would love to be doing...walking on the beach, feeling the hot sun on my face...
For now, I’m going to savor some peace and quiet. I gave myself permission to take the night off from writing. It was a long day at work, I’m tired, and I need to settle my mind a bit. So I am doing that with a glass of wine on the porch while listening to the soothing sound of late-summer cicadas.
Things I am thankful for:
*That for the most part, I enjoy my own company since I'm going to have a lot of it in the coming days.
*That my husband loves spending time with his kids and was almost giddy at the thought of taking them on vacation by himself.
*That I have a refrigerator stocked with food that I can only stock it with when no one else is home to say "ewwwwww....." when they open the fridge.
*That I have a couple of really awesome coworkers who can lift me up and make me laugh when I really want to bang my head against the cute brick wall in my office.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
10 Ways I Am OD'ing on Summer
Sweet Corn.
Lots and lots of sweet corn. I have managed to find some awesome corn this summer, for pretty cheap, and we are eating it about twice a week. So much in fact that I have found myself googling the best ways to clean corn. Because while everyone loves to eat it, no one loves to clean it, including me. I think I found the best foolproof method ever...microwave the ears for 1 minute and peel back the husks. The silks come off pretty easily, and the ones that don't...rub it down with a dry paper towel. Foolproof! There's your lesson of the day.
Tomatoes.
I really am od’ing on tomatoes. I love tomatoes in the summer. I start salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs when I know it’s almost time for ripe tomatoes. I can’t stand them in the winter…I only eat them in the summer when I can stop at little produce stands and buy tomatoes that 3 hours before were still hanging on a vine. I have at times eaten one in the car on the way home because I can’t wait to sink my teeth into that juicy deliciousness. Besides biting into them like an apple, I pile them on salads, make BLT’s, and just slice them and sprinkle on some salt and pepper. This summer, I’ve even been making a delicious creamy tomato soup recipe that I found in a local restaurant’s cookbook. The heat and lack of rain this summer has made it difficult to find really great tomatoes, but I have managed to find (and eat!) more than a few. I bought these on Friday at a farm near Creve Coeur Park...Theis Farm. I love that place.
Walks.
Before the temperatures climbed into the hundreds in July, I took the dog for at least one, sometimes 2, walks each day. Normally, I just walk around the neighborhood, but on a few occasions, I have taken him to walk along the river in downtown St. Charles, and I've also taken him to Creve Coeur lake. We went to the lake Friday morning for the first time in over a month, and it was lovely. I took some beautiful pictures, which is no easy feat while hanging onto a leash with a hyperactive toddler dog at the end of it. I have a wound to prove how un-easy that was. A wound due to a leash that was looped around my arm being dragged down my arm because...dumb move on my part to try to take a picture of a flock of geese. Anyway...here are some pictures.
The photograph that resulted in me having a huge bruise on my forearm:
I love this picture. And I love the colorful orb in it. I'm not sure why that is there...I was completely in the shade when I took this photo, and the tree was completely in the shade as well.
I know I am no different than most people when it comes to taking for granted things you see often. My family and I have walked, ran and biked here for years, yet for some reason, it took having a camera in my hand to really stop and pay attention to how beautiful and peaceful it really is there.
I love how the next picture turned out. I think this would be a good place to have some of Justin's senior pictures taken.
This next picture really doesn't capture how beautiful this is. It's a waterfall that normally feeds into a little brook that runs under the stone bridge in the above picture. This is usually the spot where I turn around and walk back, and on Friday when it was sort of hot, I thought it would be a nice break to take off my shoes and walk into the water with Rudy. Ha ha...the water coming down the waterfall was barely a trickle, and the water at the bottom was stagnant and smelly. So no toes dipping on that day! It looked pretty anyway.
Porch sitting.
I’ve written about my porch enough here, so I won’t bore anyone with any more praises or pictures of my porch. I will just say that I try to sit out there each morning, even if it’s only for a few minutes, and each night to read, because I know that my porch sitting days will be coming to an end all too soon.
Watermelon.
I think I have bought eleventy billion watermelons this summer. There is one on my counter right now begging to be cut into chunks.
Honey Rock Melons.
I think I have bought eleventy billion of those, too. I never see these in the grocery stores in the winter, so I buy one at least once a week. If you haven’t had a honey rock melon, and you like cantaloupe, you must try one. They are like cantaloupe on steroids…bigger, juicier, sweeter….you get the picture! And thankfully, not everyone in my family likes them, so I don’t have to share! (NO one likes tomatoes, so I don’t have to share those with anyone!) I found one today that is huge for only $2.00 at Theis Farm. It is waiting to be cut up, too.
Peaches.
OMG…I love peaches, almost as much as I love tomatoes, but again, only in the summer. There is a peach orchard in St. Louis called Eckerts, and they grow THE best peaches I’ve ever tasted. A few weeks ago, I brought home some that were so juicy that I had to eat them outside, and the juice dripped down my arm onto the porch. Years ago, I used to go there and pick my own peaches, but I haven’t done that in a long time. Thankfully, most of the local grocery stores sell Eckert’s peaches, so I buy them there. I’ve made several peach pies in the past month. Next on my to-do list is peach preserves, which is on my agenda for sometime soon. I bought this cute little basket of peaches at Theis Farm on Friday, too. I didn’t know they grow peaches there, and the worker who rang me up told me that most people tell them Theis Farm peaches are better than Eckerts. I don’t know how that could be possible. If they are...well, I may be OD'ing on peaches even more than I am already. I am planning on making yet another peach pie...
Bike rides.
I have been trying to bike at Creve Coeur Lake at least once a week, except for some of those really hot weeks in July. I am going to miss those rides when it is too cold.
Sunshine.
While I would love to have some rain, and so would my brown, crunchy grass, I love how it is sunny every day. I wish I could bottle up the beautiful days we have had lately and save them for winter when I am craving sunshine and warmth.
Strawberries.
Nothing else needs to be said about that.
Sadly, my flowers are od’ing on summer too, and not in a good way. The heat has not been kind to them. They look so pathetic, but I keep watering them each morning anyway, hoping that they will slowly come back to their perky, flowering life as we head into fall and some cooler temperatures.
So there ya have it. Everything I love about summer. A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about how much I love June and why it’s my favorite month. August is one of my least favorite months. Why? Because I know that all of those things I’ve written about above will soon be coming to an end. That is why I od on summer in August. I know that my days of enjoying peaches and tomatoes and honey rock melons and sweet corn and porch sitting are numbered so I savor them as much as I can. Some days, I realize that all I ate for the day was fruit. Last night, my dinner consisted of a cheese quesadilla and 2 tomatoes. You’d think with my walking and fruit eating I’d have lost some weight this summer. I wish. And even though I’ve had more than my fair share of fruity vitamins, I’m coming down with my second cold in a month.
Well, I’m off to squeeze a little more summer out of my day and relax with a book and a cup of coffee on the porch while I try to pretend that I don’t have laundry to do and dog hair to vacuum from the floors.
Things I am thankful for today:
*All of the above.
*That the big writing project I’ve had hanging over my head for months is nearly finished.
*That Rachel finally got a part in her school play. She has tried out each year of middle school and has not gotten a part until this year. She is thrilled obviously.
*That Brandon is taking a class at college. It’s only one class, but it’s a start, and I am thrilled.
Lots and lots of sweet corn. I have managed to find some awesome corn this summer, for pretty cheap, and we are eating it about twice a week. So much in fact that I have found myself googling the best ways to clean corn. Because while everyone loves to eat it, no one loves to clean it, including me. I think I found the best foolproof method ever...microwave the ears for 1 minute and peel back the husks. The silks come off pretty easily, and the ones that don't...rub it down with a dry paper towel. Foolproof! There's your lesson of the day.
Tomatoes.
I really am od’ing on tomatoes. I love tomatoes in the summer. I start salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs when I know it’s almost time for ripe tomatoes. I can’t stand them in the winter…I only eat them in the summer when I can stop at little produce stands and buy tomatoes that 3 hours before were still hanging on a vine. I have at times eaten one in the car on the way home because I can’t wait to sink my teeth into that juicy deliciousness. Besides biting into them like an apple, I pile them on salads, make BLT’s, and just slice them and sprinkle on some salt and pepper. This summer, I’ve even been making a delicious creamy tomato soup recipe that I found in a local restaurant’s cookbook. The heat and lack of rain this summer has made it difficult to find really great tomatoes, but I have managed to find (and eat!) more than a few. I bought these on Friday at a farm near Creve Coeur Park...Theis Farm. I love that place.
Walks.
Before the temperatures climbed into the hundreds in July, I took the dog for at least one, sometimes 2, walks each day. Normally, I just walk around the neighborhood, but on a few occasions, I have taken him to walk along the river in downtown St. Charles, and I've also taken him to Creve Coeur lake. We went to the lake Friday morning for the first time in over a month, and it was lovely. I took some beautiful pictures, which is no easy feat while hanging onto a leash with a hyperactive toddler dog at the end of it. I have a wound to prove how un-easy that was. A wound due to a leash that was looped around my arm being dragged down my arm because...dumb move on my part to try to take a picture of a flock of geese. Anyway...here are some pictures.
The photograph that resulted in me having a huge bruise on my forearm:
I love this picture. And I love the colorful orb in it. I'm not sure why that is there...I was completely in the shade when I took this photo, and the tree was completely in the shade as well.
I know I am no different than most people when it comes to taking for granted things you see often. My family and I have walked, ran and biked here for years, yet for some reason, it took having a camera in my hand to really stop and pay attention to how beautiful and peaceful it really is there.
I love how the next picture turned out. I think this would be a good place to have some of Justin's senior pictures taken.
This next picture really doesn't capture how beautiful this is. It's a waterfall that normally feeds into a little brook that runs under the stone bridge in the above picture. This is usually the spot where I turn around and walk back, and on Friday when it was sort of hot, I thought it would be a nice break to take off my shoes and walk into the water with Rudy. Ha ha...the water coming down the waterfall was barely a trickle, and the water at the bottom was stagnant and smelly. So no toes dipping on that day! It looked pretty anyway.
Porch sitting.
I’ve written about my porch enough here, so I won’t bore anyone with any more praises or pictures of my porch. I will just say that I try to sit out there each morning, even if it’s only for a few minutes, and each night to read, because I know that my porch sitting days will be coming to an end all too soon.
Watermelon.
I think I have bought eleventy billion watermelons this summer. There is one on my counter right now begging to be cut into chunks.
Honey Rock Melons.
I think I have bought eleventy billion of those, too. I never see these in the grocery stores in the winter, so I buy one at least once a week. If you haven’t had a honey rock melon, and you like cantaloupe, you must try one. They are like cantaloupe on steroids…bigger, juicier, sweeter….you get the picture! And thankfully, not everyone in my family likes them, so I don’t have to share! (NO one likes tomatoes, so I don’t have to share those with anyone!) I found one today that is huge for only $2.00 at Theis Farm. It is waiting to be cut up, too.
Peaches.
OMG…I love peaches, almost as much as I love tomatoes, but again, only in the summer. There is a peach orchard in St. Louis called Eckerts, and they grow THE best peaches I’ve ever tasted. A few weeks ago, I brought home some that were so juicy that I had to eat them outside, and the juice dripped down my arm onto the porch. Years ago, I used to go there and pick my own peaches, but I haven’t done that in a long time. Thankfully, most of the local grocery stores sell Eckert’s peaches, so I buy them there. I’ve made several peach pies in the past month. Next on my to-do list is peach preserves, which is on my agenda for sometime soon. I bought this cute little basket of peaches at Theis Farm on Friday, too. I didn’t know they grow peaches there, and the worker who rang me up told me that most people tell them Theis Farm peaches are better than Eckerts. I don’t know how that could be possible. If they are...well, I may be OD'ing on peaches even more than I am already. I am planning on making yet another peach pie...
Bike rides.
I have been trying to bike at Creve Coeur Lake at least once a week, except for some of those really hot weeks in July. I am going to miss those rides when it is too cold.
Sunshine.
While I would love to have some rain, and so would my brown, crunchy grass, I love how it is sunny every day. I wish I could bottle up the beautiful days we have had lately and save them for winter when I am craving sunshine and warmth.
Strawberries.
Nothing else needs to be said about that.
Sadly, my flowers are od’ing on summer too, and not in a good way. The heat has not been kind to them. They look so pathetic, but I keep watering them each morning anyway, hoping that they will slowly come back to their perky, flowering life as we head into fall and some cooler temperatures.
So there ya have it. Everything I love about summer. A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about how much I love June and why it’s my favorite month. August is one of my least favorite months. Why? Because I know that all of those things I’ve written about above will soon be coming to an end. That is why I od on summer in August. I know that my days of enjoying peaches and tomatoes and honey rock melons and sweet corn and porch sitting are numbered so I savor them as much as I can. Some days, I realize that all I ate for the day was fruit. Last night, my dinner consisted of a cheese quesadilla and 2 tomatoes. You’d think with my walking and fruit eating I’d have lost some weight this summer. I wish. And even though I’ve had more than my fair share of fruity vitamins, I’m coming down with my second cold in a month.
Well, I’m off to squeeze a little more summer out of my day and relax with a book and a cup of coffee on the porch while I try to pretend that I don’t have laundry to do and dog hair to vacuum from the floors.
Things I am thankful for today:
*All of the above.
*That the big writing project I’ve had hanging over my head for months is nearly finished.
*That Rachel finally got a part in her school play. She has tried out each year of middle school and has not gotten a part until this year. She is thrilled obviously.
*That Brandon is taking a class at college. It’s only one class, but it’s a start, and I am thrilled.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I'm procrastinating...therefore, I am
writing here when I really should be writing somewhere else. Or rather, I should be writing something else...like the big project I'm working on for work. The one I am getting paid to be working on from home today.
The one that pretty much every single sentence has been a struggle to compose.
The one that pretty much writing every single sentence has been like pulling teeth from a chicken. (I said that to my coworker yesterday, and she laughed hysterically and said she'd never heard that before. My grandma used to say it, and sometimes, it really just fits).
But alas, I'm taking a break and writing here instead. And frankly, procrastinating by writing on my blog is much better than the other way I have been procrastinating over the past few days...writing is also better for my waistline than this:
and this:
I know, shocking that I am procrastinating by cooking. I would rather refer to it as relieving stress because THAT makes it sound like I'm doing a good thing and taking care of myself rather than just being a big loser who doesn't want to do her work. My family eats very well when I am stressed. Hmmmm....maybe that is why they cause me so much stress; they have figured out that when I am stressed, I bake. And make huge pots of spaghetti. And bake. And try new recipes. And bake.
Did I say I bake and cook when I am stressed? In the summer, I often work in the yard when I am stressed, but it's been so hot this summer that pretty much everything is brown and dead, making working in the yard pointless, so baking it is.
I also seem to be procrastinating at getting to what this blog post is actually about. Believe it or not, it's not about Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bread with homemade blueberry preserves or Strawberry & Chocolate Nachos. This post is not even about procrastination to be honest. But anyone who has read this blog the past year (heck, anyone who knows me even if they haven't read my blog!) knows that it sometimes takes me a while to get to the point, right? I guess you also probably know that the original name I had for this blog was Ramblin' Rose. And I guess by now you know the reason for that name. :)
Now, I am ready to get to the point. Aren't you thrilled?
On Saturday morning, I was awake at the crack of dawn, feeling down for lots of reasons, and I wrote a really whiny post on my blog that was not even anything close to "dancing in the rain." Last week, an old friend (old as in a "friend for a long time" not old as in OLD) wrote to me after she read my one year anniversary post and told me that she thinks that sometimes, I should allow myself to write about bad things, and bad days, here. So on Saturday, I tried. I really and truly did. It was a rainy morning, (which perfectly suited my mood), I was cozy on the couch, everyone in my family was either gone or still asleep, and I wrote a long venting post about several things that are not good in my life. I also briefly mentioned a friend I'm upset with and feeling hurt by, and even though that friend doesn't read my blog, I felt a bit yuckky about doing that. So, a few hours later, I came back and deleted my post. Sorry, Kellie...I did try to take your advice, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.
Last week, I decided to go back and read through some of the posts I'd written in the past year. And I had what you might call an "epiphany moment." Really, more like an epiphany hour or so, because that is how long I sat here reading my old stuff when I had a million other things I should have been doing instead.
I felt pretty proud of myself as I read. I don't often give myself pats on the back, but reading about all of the things I have done over the past year to try to keep a positive attitude really made me feel all warm and cozy. I did what I set out to do. Did I do it every single day? No, I didn't. Did I have days that sucked, days that I wouldn't even let myself try to find something good because I was too pissed off? Yes, I did. And I often felt guilty about both of those things over the past year.
But, as I read, I realized that I did it enough. I didn't fall apart like I really wanted to do. A year later, I am still standing. Standing on shaky legs at times I will admit. And my kids are too.
That was my biggest fear at this time last year...what is this turmoil going to do to my kids? Well, they are doing great. I think they have learned a lot of important life lessons in the past couple of years. I have thought that often, but that point was made really clear to me last night. Justin worked late, and when he got home, he asked me if I would type an essay for him because he had other homework to do as well. I type fast, and he knew that something that would take me 15 minutes to type would take him over an hour. I told him that I would, only because I know how hard he is trying to do well in school while working and running cross country. I am so glad I did. I won't type the entire essay here, but this is the last part: "It has taught me that even if I'm not happy with my life, there is always someone with less than what I have. I should always appreciate what I have." (And the essay had nothing to do with our family).
Wow, I thought I was going to cry when I got to that part. Oh wait, I did cry. Well, I didn't really "cry" cry...but I felt my eyes welling up with tears, and that's when I knew for sure that my plan from last summer had worked for the most part. Justin can be a mouthy, unpleasant 17 year old boy on too many occasions, but when I read that, my heart swelled with love and pride.
Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks as I read my old posts had more of an impact on me than realizing that I had done a pretty good job this past year of holding things together. There are several posts (quite a few actually) where I mentioned I had a bad/terrible/horrible/very bad day, but I didn't write why. I just wrote that I'd had a bad day and then moved on to whatever I had done to make the best of a crummy day. The shocking thing that I realized was that as I read most of those posts, I didn't even remember what had caused me to write that I had a terrible day. On a few of those days, I do vividly remember, because they were big things. But most of them...I sat in front of my computer trying my hardest to remember what was so bad, and I couldn't. I know that at the time, it must have seemed like a huge big deal, but a year later...if I couldn't even remember what had happened, how big huge of a deal could it really have been?
Maybe that is why I deleted my post the other day. Maybe I subconciously realized that none of what I wrote about on a rainy Saturday morning when I was feeling down in the dumps really matters in the grand scheme of things. Maybe seeing the things I was whining about in print made me realize that I really should save my mental energies for things and issues that might still be important a year from now.
Like now...when I realize that if I don't work on what I'm supposed to be working on, I may not have a job a year from now. :-)
One last thing I have to share. Yesterday, we had a going away party for a coworker who is moving. We are all going to miss her terribly as she has been a huge part of Share for years, even before she was hired to work there. We had a wonderful, fun party and served St. Louis food...toasted ravioli, Imo's pizza, The Pasta House salad, Ted Drewe's frozen custard and gooey butter cake. We also made this for her:
as a going away gift. Each of the letters is from a sign from somewhere significant to Deb. The H is from our Share sign, the O is from a St. Louis Bread Company sign, the P is from the sign in front of their church, and the E is from the Dierbergs sign since Dierbergs is her favorite grocery store. She loved it. Hope was the perfect word...she always talked about how much Share gave her hope after her son died...she was a part of Share and giving other people hope...her beloved family dog that died a year ago was named Hope...all of her kids go or have gone to Hope College in Michigan...and Hope College is where she and her husband met. So there were lots of tears yesterday at the Share office.
Just as she was getting ready to leave, she handed each of us a gift bag. Inside the bag was a framed picture of a bright blue sky with white puffy clouds and this quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yeah, let that soak in for a moment.
Like there weren't already enough tears at the Share office yesterday.
No one at work knows I write a blog. I have never told anyone at work about my dancing in the rain project, or about that quote. But I sure felt some goosebumps as we all unwrapped our gift.
And I lied. I have one more "one last thing" to share. Over the past few days, thinking of my whiny post on Saturday, I've done a lot of thinking about other things, that are good in my life. I thought of those things again last night after I typed Justin's essay for him. I know I said a long time ago that each time I write here, I am going to write something I am grateful for. I think I did that maybe, oh, twice? It seems that me saying I am going to do something is a sure sign that I won't. But I'd like to change that!
Here is my grateful thought for today.
The first one...I am looking forward to spending a fun afternoon with Rachel at the St. Louis YMCA book fair after she gets home from school. Some may remember my post about that last year...when I went on half price day and came home with a huge stack of books that I spent a whopping $9 on. Today is again half price day, and I thought it would be fun to take Rachel as she loves to read, too. I will post photos tomorrow of the awesome deals we got! We will be dancing in books! Tables and tables of books.
And NOW, I really must get back to my work. Or I'll be dancing in the wrath of my boss that will be raining down upon me.
The one that pretty much every single sentence has been a struggle to compose.
The one that pretty much writing every single sentence has been like pulling teeth from a chicken. (I said that to my coworker yesterday, and she laughed hysterically and said she'd never heard that before. My grandma used to say it, and sometimes, it really just fits).
But alas, I'm taking a break and writing here instead. And frankly, procrastinating by writing on my blog is much better than the other way I have been procrastinating over the past few days...writing is also better for my waistline than this:
and this:
I know, shocking that I am procrastinating by cooking. I would rather refer to it as relieving stress because THAT makes it sound like I'm doing a good thing and taking care of myself rather than just being a big loser who doesn't want to do her work. My family eats very well when I am stressed. Hmmmm....maybe that is why they cause me so much stress; they have figured out that when I am stressed, I bake. And make huge pots of spaghetti. And bake. And try new recipes. And bake.
Did I say I bake and cook when I am stressed? In the summer, I often work in the yard when I am stressed, but it's been so hot this summer that pretty much everything is brown and dead, making working in the yard pointless, so baking it is.
I also seem to be procrastinating at getting to what this blog post is actually about. Believe it or not, it's not about Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bread with homemade blueberry preserves or Strawberry & Chocolate Nachos. This post is not even about procrastination to be honest. But anyone who has read this blog the past year (heck, anyone who knows me even if they haven't read my blog!) knows that it sometimes takes me a while to get to the point, right? I guess you also probably know that the original name I had for this blog was Ramblin' Rose. And I guess by now you know the reason for that name. :)
Now, I am ready to get to the point. Aren't you thrilled?
On Saturday morning, I was awake at the crack of dawn, feeling down for lots of reasons, and I wrote a really whiny post on my blog that was not even anything close to "dancing in the rain." Last week, an old friend (old as in a "friend for a long time" not old as in OLD) wrote to me after she read my one year anniversary post and told me that she thinks that sometimes, I should allow myself to write about bad things, and bad days, here. So on Saturday, I tried. I really and truly did. It was a rainy morning, (which perfectly suited my mood), I was cozy on the couch, everyone in my family was either gone or still asleep, and I wrote a long venting post about several things that are not good in my life. I also briefly mentioned a friend I'm upset with and feeling hurt by, and even though that friend doesn't read my blog, I felt a bit yuckky about doing that. So, a few hours later, I came back and deleted my post. Sorry, Kellie...I did try to take your advice, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.
Last week, I decided to go back and read through some of the posts I'd written in the past year. And I had what you might call an "epiphany moment." Really, more like an epiphany hour or so, because that is how long I sat here reading my old stuff when I had a million other things I should have been doing instead.
I felt pretty proud of myself as I read. I don't often give myself pats on the back, but reading about all of the things I have done over the past year to try to keep a positive attitude really made me feel all warm and cozy. I did what I set out to do. Did I do it every single day? No, I didn't. Did I have days that sucked, days that I wouldn't even let myself try to find something good because I was too pissed off? Yes, I did. And I often felt guilty about both of those things over the past year.
But, as I read, I realized that I did it enough. I didn't fall apart like I really wanted to do. A year later, I am still standing. Standing on shaky legs at times I will admit. And my kids are too.
That was my biggest fear at this time last year...what is this turmoil going to do to my kids? Well, they are doing great. I think they have learned a lot of important life lessons in the past couple of years. I have thought that often, but that point was made really clear to me last night. Justin worked late, and when he got home, he asked me if I would type an essay for him because he had other homework to do as well. I type fast, and he knew that something that would take me 15 minutes to type would take him over an hour. I told him that I would, only because I know how hard he is trying to do well in school while working and running cross country. I am so glad I did. I won't type the entire essay here, but this is the last part: "It has taught me that even if I'm not happy with my life, there is always someone with less than what I have. I should always appreciate what I have." (And the essay had nothing to do with our family).
Wow, I thought I was going to cry when I got to that part. Oh wait, I did cry. Well, I didn't really "cry" cry...but I felt my eyes welling up with tears, and that's when I knew for sure that my plan from last summer had worked for the most part. Justin can be a mouthy, unpleasant 17 year old boy on too many occasions, but when I read that, my heart swelled with love and pride.
Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks as I read my old posts had more of an impact on me than realizing that I had done a pretty good job this past year of holding things together. There are several posts (quite a few actually) where I mentioned I had a bad/terrible/horrible/very bad day, but I didn't write why. I just wrote that I'd had a bad day and then moved on to whatever I had done to make the best of a crummy day. The shocking thing that I realized was that as I read most of those posts, I didn't even remember what had caused me to write that I had a terrible day. On a few of those days, I do vividly remember, because they were big things. But most of them...I sat in front of my computer trying my hardest to remember what was so bad, and I couldn't. I know that at the time, it must have seemed like a huge big deal, but a year later...if I couldn't even remember what had happened, how big huge of a deal could it really have been?
Maybe that is why I deleted my post the other day. Maybe I subconciously realized that none of what I wrote about on a rainy Saturday morning when I was feeling down in the dumps really matters in the grand scheme of things. Maybe seeing the things I was whining about in print made me realize that I really should save my mental energies for things and issues that might still be important a year from now.
Like now...when I realize that if I don't work on what I'm supposed to be working on, I may not have a job a year from now. :-)
One last thing I have to share. Yesterday, we had a going away party for a coworker who is moving. We are all going to miss her terribly as she has been a huge part of Share for years, even before she was hired to work there. We had a wonderful, fun party and served St. Louis food...toasted ravioli, Imo's pizza, The Pasta House salad, Ted Drewe's frozen custard and gooey butter cake. We also made this for her:
as a going away gift. Each of the letters is from a sign from somewhere significant to Deb. The H is from our Share sign, the O is from a St. Louis Bread Company sign, the P is from the sign in front of their church, and the E is from the Dierbergs sign since Dierbergs is her favorite grocery store. She loved it. Hope was the perfect word...she always talked about how much Share gave her hope after her son died...she was a part of Share and giving other people hope...her beloved family dog that died a year ago was named Hope...all of her kids go or have gone to Hope College in Michigan...and Hope College is where she and her husband met. So there were lots of tears yesterday at the Share office.
Just as she was getting ready to leave, she handed each of us a gift bag. Inside the bag was a framed picture of a bright blue sky with white puffy clouds and this quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yeah, let that soak in for a moment.
Like there weren't already enough tears at the Share office yesterday.
No one at work knows I write a blog. I have never told anyone at work about my dancing in the rain project, or about that quote. But I sure felt some goosebumps as we all unwrapped our gift.
And I lied. I have one more "one last thing" to share. Over the past few days, thinking of my whiny post on Saturday, I've done a lot of thinking about other things, that are good in my life. I thought of those things again last night after I typed Justin's essay for him. I know I said a long time ago that each time I write here, I am going to write something I am grateful for. I think I did that maybe, oh, twice? It seems that me saying I am going to do something is a sure sign that I won't. But I'd like to change that!
Here is my grateful thought for today.
The first one...I am looking forward to spending a fun afternoon with Rachel at the St. Louis YMCA book fair after she gets home from school. Some may remember my post about that last year...when I went on half price day and came home with a huge stack of books that I spent a whopping $9 on. Today is again half price day, and I thought it would be fun to take Rachel as she loves to read, too. I will post photos tomorrow of the awesome deals we got! We will be dancing in books! Tables and tables of books.
And NOW, I really must get back to my work. Or I'll be dancing in the wrath of my boss that will be raining down upon me.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Time Flies
One year ago yesterday, I began writing this blog. Well, technically, I began writing it a little over 2 years ago, but back then, I only wrote a few posts and quickly gave up on it. One year ago yesterday was when I found myself in a low frame of mind that I was trying desperately to find a way to pull myself out of. Tony had just lost his job two weeks before, for the second time in less than two years, and I really didn’t think I was going to make it through another job loss, especially if it lasted as long as the first one had. I felt sorry for myself, and I felt worse for Tony. Most of all, I felt terrible for the kids, that once again, life was going to be put “on hold” while Tony was unemployed. I hit upon the idea of dancing in the rain after I saw a quote several times that said “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” That sounded perfect for me. I didn’t want to mope around waiting for things to get better, I wanted to be grateful for, and focus on, all of the things I did have instead of being depressed about what I didn’t have. I wanted to make the best of things, no matter how much life sucked right then. And suck it did, but I got right to my task of dancing in the rain.
The first thing I did was share this blog with a few friends. I know how terrible I am at starting things that fizzle out before I finish them, so I thought that having some accountability…having friends who I knew were reading my blog, would keep me on task. And it did. One person in particular used to write to me if I had gone too long without writing something. Sometimes, all she would write is “waiting…..”
Not only did the idea for my blog keep me on task with writing, but it kept me on task in my mind as well. On really bad days, and there have been many, I often found myself thinking, “How can I dance in the rain today?” And I am proud to say I have found many ways. Unfortunately for my girlish figure, many of them have involved cooking, and of course, eating what I have cooked. It’s a very good thing I have a house full of hungry teenagers who are more than willing to eat whatever I make and leave very little, although still too much, for me.
In the past year, I have danced in the rain in lots of different ways.
I have:
*taken up a new hobby…bread making. And if I do say so myself, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I don’t see how anyone can be in a bad mood while making bread. There is just nothing better than pounding your fists into a pile of warm sticky dough when you would rather be pounding your fists into something else. Like someone’s face. (Pretend I didn’t just say that). Or eating bread. Anyone who can be in a crappy mood while stuffing fresh baked bread in their mouth has a problem.(Weighing yourself after eating fresh homemade bread is a different story though. That doesn’t make me happy). But oh, filling my house with the aroma of homemade bread once or twice a week makes me very happy indeed.
*played more games with the kids. I discovered on one particularly bad day, when all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull my Aunt Mary’s quilt over my head that beating your kid at game after game of Yahtzee on a blizzard winter day is quite satisfying indeed. And quite the mood lifter.
*enjoyed the actual process of so many things that normally I plow through without really thinking about it. Like cooking dinner. I have always enjoyed chopping things and making a mess in the kitchen, but I took that enjoyment to a new level. I made myself pay attention to things like the crunch of carrots as I chopped them and the blue-stained fingernails after I made my first ever blueberry preserves. The highlight of some of my days were moments when my kids were ecstatic over what I had cooked…like the day Lauren ran in the house, threw her arms around my neck and told me I was the best mommy ever simply because I made an apple pie. At times, I tried to even enjoy the process of doing laundry…burying my face in a warm-from-the-dryer-bounce-smelling towel or sheet.
*tried to find something to enjoy out of things I normally hate. Like building a snowman with Rachel when I despise playing in the snow. Or noticing the way the ice sparkled in the trees many times during our long, horrible winter. I even went out into the yard at 5 am on Christmas morning because I was in awe of the way the colorful lights strung through the bushes looked all covered with inches of snow.
*taken pictures of lots of silly little details and things that normally I wouldn’t pay a bit of attention to. Like a new cupcake recipe I tried or the mess in my hallway that made me stop and think how someday, I will miss having a houseful of kids around to make messes that make me want to throw their messes at them.
*been more aware of my surroundings and noticed little things I may not have noticed before. Like the day I took the dog on a walk because I was so angry I needed to get out of the house before I had a complete meltdown, and on the walk, I noticed a beautiful yellow bird in a bush by the sidewalk.
*paid more attention to the sunrise out my kitchen window. It has become such a habit, that I look for it every day now if I am awake. And I usually am. Usually, well before the sun rises. One perk of menopause…being awake early enough to watch the sunrise every morning.
I am probably starting to sound annoyingly like Pollyanna, huh?
Well, I will remedy THAT by saying that the past year has been far from rainbows and fields of daisies. FAR from it. In fact, most of the days I have written on this blog have been days that were so awful that I had already spent time at my computer writing in my journal with tears streaming down my face. I made it a rule on one such day that the only way I would allow myself to indulge in in a pity party is if I then wrote something upbeat on my blog. I did break that rule a few times, I will shamefully admit. However, I think I rose to the challenge pretty well and managed to keep the extra-bad stuff to myself.
So here I am, one year and one day later. As a gift to myself, I am going to have this blog made into a book. In many ways, this has been one of the toughest years of my life, at least in the top 3, but for the most part, I feel pretty good about how I have come through it all. While Tony does have a good job right now, things are still far from easy, and in some ways, my life is in even more turmoil than it was a year ago. And my worrisome self does worry what I will be writing about here a year from now.
One thing is certain though. I am kind of addicted to blog writing, and I will be writing here a year from now. A sincere thank you to anyone who read and encouraged me over the past year.
The first thing I did was share this blog with a few friends. I know how terrible I am at starting things that fizzle out before I finish them, so I thought that having some accountability…having friends who I knew were reading my blog, would keep me on task. And it did. One person in particular used to write to me if I had gone too long without writing something. Sometimes, all she would write is “waiting…..”
Not only did the idea for my blog keep me on task with writing, but it kept me on task in my mind as well. On really bad days, and there have been many, I often found myself thinking, “How can I dance in the rain today?” And I am proud to say I have found many ways. Unfortunately for my girlish figure, many of them have involved cooking, and of course, eating what I have cooked. It’s a very good thing I have a house full of hungry teenagers who are more than willing to eat whatever I make and leave very little, although still too much, for me.
In the past year, I have danced in the rain in lots of different ways.
I have:
*taken up a new hobby…bread making. And if I do say so myself, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I don’t see how anyone can be in a bad mood while making bread. There is just nothing better than pounding your fists into a pile of warm sticky dough when you would rather be pounding your fists into something else. Like someone’s face. (Pretend I didn’t just say that). Or eating bread. Anyone who can be in a crappy mood while stuffing fresh baked bread in their mouth has a problem.(Weighing yourself after eating fresh homemade bread is a different story though. That doesn’t make me happy). But oh, filling my house with the aroma of homemade bread once or twice a week makes me very happy indeed.
*played more games with the kids. I discovered on one particularly bad day, when all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull my Aunt Mary’s quilt over my head that beating your kid at game after game of Yahtzee on a blizzard winter day is quite satisfying indeed. And quite the mood lifter.
*enjoyed the actual process of so many things that normally I plow through without really thinking about it. Like cooking dinner. I have always enjoyed chopping things and making a mess in the kitchen, but I took that enjoyment to a new level. I made myself pay attention to things like the crunch of carrots as I chopped them and the blue-stained fingernails after I made my first ever blueberry preserves. The highlight of some of my days were moments when my kids were ecstatic over what I had cooked…like the day Lauren ran in the house, threw her arms around my neck and told me I was the best mommy ever simply because I made an apple pie. At times, I tried to even enjoy the process of doing laundry…burying my face in a warm-from-the-dryer-bounce-smelling towel or sheet.
*tried to find something to enjoy out of things I normally hate. Like building a snowman with Rachel when I despise playing in the snow. Or noticing the way the ice sparkled in the trees many times during our long, horrible winter. I even went out into the yard at 5 am on Christmas morning because I was in awe of the way the colorful lights strung through the bushes looked all covered with inches of snow.
*taken pictures of lots of silly little details and things that normally I wouldn’t pay a bit of attention to. Like a new cupcake recipe I tried or the mess in my hallway that made me stop and think how someday, I will miss having a houseful of kids around to make messes that make me want to throw their messes at them.
*been more aware of my surroundings and noticed little things I may not have noticed before. Like the day I took the dog on a walk because I was so angry I needed to get out of the house before I had a complete meltdown, and on the walk, I noticed a beautiful yellow bird in a bush by the sidewalk.
*paid more attention to the sunrise out my kitchen window. It has become such a habit, that I look for it every day now if I am awake. And I usually am. Usually, well before the sun rises. One perk of menopause…being awake early enough to watch the sunrise every morning.
I am probably starting to sound annoyingly like Pollyanna, huh?
Well, I will remedy THAT by saying that the past year has been far from rainbows and fields of daisies. FAR from it. In fact, most of the days I have written on this blog have been days that were so awful that I had already spent time at my computer writing in my journal with tears streaming down my face. I made it a rule on one such day that the only way I would allow myself to indulge in in a pity party is if I then wrote something upbeat on my blog. I did break that rule a few times, I will shamefully admit. However, I think I rose to the challenge pretty well and managed to keep the extra-bad stuff to myself.
So here I am, one year and one day later. As a gift to myself, I am going to have this blog made into a book. In many ways, this has been one of the toughest years of my life, at least in the top 3, but for the most part, I feel pretty good about how I have come through it all. While Tony does have a good job right now, things are still far from easy, and in some ways, my life is in even more turmoil than it was a year ago. And my worrisome self does worry what I will be writing about here a year from now.
One thing is certain though. I am kind of addicted to blog writing, and I will be writing here a year from now. A sincere thank you to anyone who read and encouraged me over the past year.
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