Time Flies

One year ago yesterday, I began writing this blog. Well, technically, I began writing it a little over 2 years ago, but back then, I only wrote a few posts and quickly gave up on it. One year ago yesterday was when I found myself in a low frame of mind that I was trying desperately to find a way to pull myself out of. Tony had just lost his job two weeks before, for the second time in less than two years, and I really didn’t think I was going to make it through another job loss, especially if it lasted as long as the first one had. I felt sorry for myself, and I felt worse for Tony. Most of all, I felt terrible for the kids, that once again, life was going to be put “on hold” while Tony was unemployed. I hit upon the idea of dancing in the rain after I saw a quote several times that said “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” That sounded perfect for me. I didn’t want to mope around waiting for things to get better, I wanted to be grateful for, and focus on, all of the things I did have instead of being depressed about what I didn’t have. I wanted to make the best of things, no matter how much life sucked right then. And suck it did, but I got right to my task of dancing in the rain.

The first thing I did was share this blog with a few friends. I know how terrible I am at starting things that fizzle out before I finish them, so I thought that having some accountability…having friends who I knew were reading my blog, would keep me on task. And it did. One person in particular used to write to me if I had gone too long without writing something. Sometimes, all she would write is “waiting…..”

Not only did the idea for my blog keep me on task with writing, but it kept me on task in my mind as well. On really bad days, and there have been many, I often found myself thinking, “How can I dance in the rain today?” And I am proud to say I have found many ways. Unfortunately for my girlish figure, many of them have involved cooking, and of course, eating what I have cooked. It’s a very good thing I have a house full of hungry teenagers who are more than willing to eat whatever I make and leave very little, although still too much, for me.

In the past year, I have danced in the rain in lots of different ways.

I have:

*taken up a new hobby…bread making. And if I do say so myself, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I don’t see how anyone can be in a bad mood while making bread. There is just nothing better than pounding your fists into a pile of warm sticky dough when you would rather be pounding your fists into something else. Like someone’s face. (Pretend I didn’t just say that). Or eating bread. Anyone who can be in a crappy mood while stuffing fresh baked bread in their mouth has a problem.(Weighing yourself after eating fresh homemade bread is a different story though. That doesn’t make me happy). But oh, filling my house with the aroma of homemade bread once or twice a week makes me very happy indeed.

*played more games with the kids. I discovered on one particularly bad day, when all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull my Aunt Mary’s quilt over my head that beating your kid at game after game of Yahtzee on a blizzard winter day is quite satisfying indeed. And quite the mood lifter.

*enjoyed the actual process of so many things that normally I plow through without really thinking about it. Like cooking dinner. I have always enjoyed chopping things and making a mess in the kitchen, but I took that enjoyment to a new level. I made myself pay attention to things like the crunch of carrots as I chopped them and the blue-stained fingernails after I made my first ever blueberry preserves. The highlight of some of my days were moments when my kids were ecstatic over what I had cooked…like the day Lauren ran in the house, threw her arms around my neck and told me I was the best mommy ever simply because I made an apple pie. At times, I tried to even enjoy the process of doing laundry…burying my face in a warm-from-the-dryer-bounce-smelling towel or sheet.

*tried to find something to enjoy out of things I normally hate. Like building a snowman with Rachel when I despise playing in the snow. Or noticing the way the ice sparkled in the trees many times during our long, horrible winter. I even went out into the yard at 5 am on Christmas morning because I was in awe of the way the colorful lights strung through the bushes looked all covered with inches of snow.

*taken pictures of lots of silly little details and things that normally I wouldn’t pay a bit of attention to. Like a new cupcake recipe I tried or the mess in my hallway that made me stop and think how someday, I will miss having a houseful of kids around to make messes that make me want to throw their messes at them.

*been more aware of my surroundings and noticed little things I may not have noticed before. Like the day I took the dog on a walk because I was so angry I needed to get out of the house before I had a complete meltdown, and on the walk, I noticed a beautiful yellow bird in a bush by the sidewalk.

*paid more attention to the sunrise out my kitchen window. It has become such a habit, that I look for it every day now if I am awake. And I usually am. Usually, well before the sun rises. One perk of menopause…being awake early enough to watch the sunrise every morning.

I am probably starting to sound annoyingly like Pollyanna, huh?

Well, I will remedy THAT by saying that the past year has been far from rainbows and fields of daisies. FAR from it. In fact, most of the days I have written on this blog have been days that were so awful that I had already spent time at my computer writing in my journal with tears streaming down my face. I made it a rule on one such day that the only way I would allow myself to indulge in in a pity party is if I then wrote something upbeat on my blog. I did break that rule a few times, I will shamefully admit. However, I think I rose to the challenge pretty well and managed to keep the extra-bad stuff to myself.

So here I am, one year and one day later. As a gift to myself, I am going to have this blog made into a book. In many ways, this has been one of the toughest years of my life, at least in the top 3, but for the most part, I feel pretty good about how I have come through it all. While Tony does have a good job right now, things are still far from easy, and in some ways, my life is in even more turmoil than it was a year ago. And my worrisome self does worry what I will be writing about here a year from now.

One thing is certain though. I am kind of addicted to blog writing, and I will be writing here a year from now. A sincere thank you to anyone who read and encouraged me over the past year.