The one that pretty much every single sentence has been a struggle to compose.
The one that pretty much writing every single sentence has been like pulling teeth from a chicken. (I said that to my coworker yesterday, and she laughed hysterically and said she'd never heard that before. My grandma used to say it, and sometimes, it really just fits).
But alas, I'm taking a break and writing here instead. And frankly, procrastinating by writing on my blog is much better than the other way I have been procrastinating over the past few days...writing is also better for my waistline than this:
and this:
I know, shocking that I am procrastinating by cooking. I would rather refer to it as relieving stress because THAT makes it sound like I'm doing a good thing and taking care of myself rather than just being a big loser who doesn't want to do her work. My family eats very well when I am stressed. Hmmmm....maybe that is why they cause me so much stress; they have figured out that when I am stressed, I bake. And make huge pots of spaghetti. And bake. And try new recipes. And bake.
Did I say I bake and cook when I am stressed? In the summer, I often work in the yard when I am stressed, but it's been so hot this summer that pretty much everything is brown and dead, making working in the yard pointless, so baking it is.
I also seem to be procrastinating at getting to what this blog post is actually about. Believe it or not, it's not about Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bread with homemade blueberry preserves or Strawberry & Chocolate Nachos. This post is not even about procrastination to be honest. But anyone who has read this blog the past year (heck, anyone who knows me even if they haven't read my blog!) knows that it sometimes takes me a while to get to the point, right? I guess you also probably know that the original name I had for this blog was Ramblin' Rose. And I guess by now you know the reason for that name. :)
Now, I am ready to get to the point. Aren't you thrilled?
On Saturday morning, I was awake at the crack of dawn, feeling down for lots of reasons, and I wrote a really whiny post on my blog that was not even anything close to "dancing in the rain." Last week, an old friend (old as in a "friend for a long time" not old as in OLD) wrote to me after she read my one year anniversary post and told me that she thinks that sometimes, I should allow myself to write about bad things, and bad days, here. So on Saturday, I tried. I really and truly did. It was a rainy morning, (which perfectly suited my mood), I was cozy on the couch, everyone in my family was either gone or still asleep, and I wrote a long venting post about several things that are not good in my life. I also briefly mentioned a friend I'm upset with and feeling hurt by, and even though that friend doesn't read my blog, I felt a bit yuckky about doing that. So, a few hours later, I came back and deleted my post. Sorry, Kellie...I did try to take your advice, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.
Last week, I decided to go back and read through some of the posts I'd written in the past year. And I had what you might call an "epiphany moment." Really, more like an epiphany hour or so, because that is how long I sat here reading my old stuff when I had a million other things I should have been doing instead.
I felt pretty proud of myself as I read. I don't often give myself pats on the back, but reading about all of the things I have done over the past year to try to keep a positive attitude really made me feel all warm and cozy. I did what I set out to do. Did I do it every single day? No, I didn't. Did I have days that sucked, days that I wouldn't even let myself try to find something good because I was too pissed off? Yes, I did. And I often felt guilty about both of those things over the past year.
But, as I read, I realized that I did it enough. I didn't fall apart like I really wanted to do. A year later, I am still standing. Standing on shaky legs at times I will admit. And my kids are too.
That was my biggest fear at this time last year...what is this turmoil going to do to my kids? Well, they are doing great. I think they have learned a lot of important life lessons in the past couple of years. I have thought that often, but that point was made really clear to me last night. Justin worked late, and when he got home, he asked me if I would type an essay for him because he had other homework to do as well. I type fast, and he knew that something that would take me 15 minutes to type would take him over an hour. I told him that I would, only because I know how hard he is trying to do well in school while working and running cross country. I am so glad I did. I won't type the entire essay here, but this is the last part: "It has taught me that even if I'm not happy with my life, there is always someone with less than what I have. I should always appreciate what I have." (And the essay had nothing to do with our family).
Wow, I thought I was going to cry when I got to that part. Oh wait, I did cry. Well, I didn't really "cry" cry...but I felt my eyes welling up with tears, and that's when I knew for sure that my plan from last summer had worked for the most part. Justin can be a mouthy, unpleasant 17 year old boy on too many occasions, but when I read that, my heart swelled with love and pride.
Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks as I read my old posts had more of an impact on me than realizing that I had done a pretty good job this past year of holding things together. There are several posts (quite a few actually) where I mentioned I had a bad/terrible/horrible/very bad day, but I didn't write why. I just wrote that I'd had a bad day and then moved on to whatever I had done to make the best of a crummy day. The shocking thing that I realized was that as I read most of those posts, I didn't even remember what had caused me to write that I had a terrible day. On a few of those days, I do vividly remember, because they were big things. But most of them...I sat in front of my computer trying my hardest to remember what was so bad, and I couldn't. I know that at the time, it must have seemed like a huge big deal, but a year later...if I couldn't even remember what had happened, how big huge of a deal could it really have been?
Maybe that is why I deleted my post the other day. Maybe I subconciously realized that none of what I wrote about on a rainy Saturday morning when I was feeling down in the dumps really matters in the grand scheme of things. Maybe seeing the things I was whining about in print made me realize that I really should save my mental energies for things and issues that might still be important a year from now.
Like now...when I realize that if I don't work on what I'm supposed to be working on, I may not have a job a year from now. :-)
One last thing I have to share. Yesterday, we had a going away party for a coworker who is moving. We are all going to miss her terribly as she has been a huge part of Share for years, even before she was hired to work there. We had a wonderful, fun party and served St. Louis food...toasted ravioli, Imo's pizza, The Pasta House salad, Ted Drewe's frozen custard and gooey butter cake. We also made this for her:
as a going away gift. Each of the letters is from a sign from somewhere significant to Deb. The H is from our Share sign, the O is from a St. Louis Bread Company sign, the P is from the sign in front of their church, and the E is from the Dierbergs sign since Dierbergs is her favorite grocery store. She loved it. Hope was the perfect word...she always talked about how much Share gave her hope after her son died...she was a part of Share and giving other people hope...her beloved family dog that died a year ago was named Hope...all of her kids go or have gone to Hope College in Michigan...and Hope College is where she and her husband met. So there were lots of tears yesterday at the Share office.
Just as she was getting ready to leave, she handed each of us a gift bag. Inside the bag was a framed picture of a bright blue sky with white puffy clouds and this quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yeah, let that soak in for a moment.
Like there weren't already enough tears at the Share office yesterday.
No one at work knows I write a blog. I have never told anyone at work about my dancing in the rain project, or about that quote. But I sure felt some goosebumps as we all unwrapped our gift.
And I lied. I have one more "one last thing" to share. Over the past few days, thinking of my whiny post on Saturday, I've done a lot of thinking about other things, that are good in my life. I thought of those things again last night after I typed Justin's essay for him. I know I said a long time ago that each time I write here, I am going to write something I am grateful for. I think I did that maybe, oh, twice? It seems that me saying I am going to do something is a sure sign that I won't. But I'd like to change that!
Here is my grateful thought for today.
The first one...I am looking forward to spending a fun afternoon with Rachel at the St. Louis YMCA book fair after she gets home from school. Some may remember my post about that last year...when I went on half price day and came home with a huge stack of books that I spent a whopping $9 on. Today is again half price day, and I thought it would be fun to take Rachel as she loves to read, too. I will post photos tomorrow of the awesome deals we got! We will be dancing in books! Tables and tables of books.
And NOW, I really must get back to my work. Or I'll be dancing in the wrath of my boss that will be raining down upon me.
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