Both/And

My last post was a real downer. I know that. I flip flop so many times a day between thinking everything is going to be terrible/everything is going to work out in the end that I feel like a world class gymnast. 

And I am now okay with that. I know I am not the only one who is struggling right now. Everything has happened so fast with barely time to process the news as it changes each day. Each hour. 

I am writing late in the afternoon on Sunday and this time a week ago, I was completely oblivious to what was coming, finishing laundry and the food prep I usually do on Sunday afternoon, when I got a text from my boss saying that schools were closed and we were all going to work from home until April 6. For me, that is when this became so real, and I had a difficult week. It didn’t help that we literally had not so much as one ray of sunshine all week, which just sealed my gloomy mood. All week, I mulled over what to write here, how to document this, because I knew that I wanted to, was going to, and I decided that I am not going to pretend that I am doing just swell when I know that I am not. That is NOT going to be easy for me as I often try to sugar coat things while looking at them through my rose-colored glasses. 

That said, this post is going to be more positive. I’m not quite donning my Miss Susie Sunshine hat just yet, but my mood is slightly more upbeat as I head into my second week of social distancing.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who is a therapist posted a link on Facebook to an article titled “Therapist’s Guide to Staying Sane During a Pandemic: You can let anxiety consume you, or you can feel the fear and also find joy in ordinary life, even now.” Of course, since I wasn’t feeling particularly sane at that moment and since my anxiety has been taking all of my energy to handle the past week or so, I clicked on it immediately because it reminded me of my dancing in the rain mantra.

It was just what I needed to read. The author wrote about a concept she often shares with her clients—the concept of both & and. She says, “It’s horrible, AND we can allow our souls to breathe.” And this: "We need to allow ourselves to feel the anxiety, but we also need to give ourselves space to let it go.” 

Her words were both the kick in the ass AND the balm to my heart I needed right now. I even wrote on Friday how I needed to find a way to not stay and wallow where I was at, so the timing was perfect.

Out of everything I read in the article, this is my favorite part:

“It’s horrible AND we can allow our souls to breathe.”

For me, at this moment in time, it means that it’s okay to both:

*enjoy being a homebody, which I tend to be anyway AND complain about going stir crazy some days.

*appreciate the good things that companies and people are doing right now AND feel extreme anxiety about what the future holds.

*feel grateful that 3 of my kids are home safe AND feel stress for what their lives will be like when this all ends.

*be aware that there are a great many people who are much worse off than we are AND feel sorry for myself for what I am missing out on and what my kids are dealing with.

*be concerned about what is going on in the world AND still take breaks from the news and social media.

*tell myself to not look too far ahead AND accept my emotions, whatever they are.

*worry about money/finances AND allow myself to indulge in a few little pleasures.

*eat healthy AND treat myself to some comfort foods that are better for my soul than my body.

*do my best to think positively AND have down-in-the-dumps days when I struggle to get out of my pajamas.

*enjoy having my family at home AND sometimes wanting them all to go away and give me some peace.

*hate the big, fat snowflakes that fell this morning AND appreciate that the snowfall really was beautiful on my next-door neighbor’s blooming daffodils. 

Both/And. What a concept. I’m sure I will have many both/and moments in the coming weeks and months. I can’t say I am looking forward to them because I am not. But, I will keep looking for them.  I will think of both/and moments as those that allow my soul to breath. Moments that I am giving myself space to let anxiety go. 

Oh, I forgot one! I can rest easy knowing I have enough toilet paper AND be ridiculously excited when I found a pack of 18 in my trunk today that I forgot I bought a couple of weeks ago.