The Week America Ran Out of Toilet Paper

I am not doing well. And not because I can’t buy toilet paper. I have plenty, and thank goodness I do, because America really does seem to be out of toilet paper right now. Not a package to be found, not at Costco or Schnucks or Walmart or Home Depot or even on Amazon.

Disclaimer:  This is not my usual “Dancing in the Rain” kind of post.

In the past, I always tried to keep the things I share here as happy and positive as possible, even when I was not feeling particularly happy or positive. That was the whole point when I started this blog almost 11 years ago. (Wow, it’s hard to believe it has been that long). Even though I haven’t written anything here for over two years, I do come and read what I have written in the past from time to time. It always makes me feel better when I do. And it makes me miss it, too.

I have done a considerable amount of writing and journaling over the past year. At times, I have wished I was posting it all, but I didn’t let myself because I have felt especially vulnerable and protective of myself this past year and only shared with a few people what was going on in my life. 

Now feels different. Now, I feel driven to write about and document this troublesome and scary time we are living through.

I am not doing well because the anxiety I have poured my mind, heart and focus into dealing with for the past year is sky high right now. Outer space high. The worst it has been in many months. I cannot stop thinking of all the “what ifs?”

*What are my kid’s lives going to be like when this is over?

*What if Share runs out of money?

*What if Tony can’t work? What if his company, a small business, can’t survive this?

*What if one of us gets this virus? What if all of us do?? What if my loved ones do?

*What if Brandon, who lives so far away, gets sick and is all alone?

*What if my parents and Tony’s mom, who all are already in poor health and have all the risk factors, get sick and die?

*What if this goes on for months?

*What if we run out of food and don’t have the money to buy more?

*What if we can’t make our house payment?

*What if the country ends up worse than during the Great Depression?

UGH. All the what ifs are getting to me.

I know, I know, I tell myself all the time, “Rose, take one day at a time. Do not think so far ahead.”

But I am finding it so very difficult to do that. I find myself on the verge of a panic attack at least once each day. My chest often feels heavy. I have hives somewhere on my body every day. I have a hard time concentrating, even to read a book. I can’t go out for walks because it has been raining every day and I don’t want to go to the gym.

Realistically, even when I am not in panic attack mode, I wonder, how can an entire country, the entire WORLD, survive with every business completely shut down for possibly months. I wonder how we will ever be able to recover from this. And what will happen if we can’t?

While my anxiety is sky high, my concentration is lower than low. I’ve been working from home all week, and while I have always joked that I would love to have a work from home job, turns out it is harder than I thought it would be. When I work a day here and there from home, I always feel so productive. While I have gotten a great deal accomplished this week, I have not enjoyed working from home like I thought I would. Maybe that is because I must work from home, I don’t know. But I realized yesterday that I really miss my coworkers. We have a lot of fun at work, even though our jobs can be sad and stressful and heavy. We laugh a lot and enjoy each other’s company, and I miss that. And it has only been a week. Not even a full week yet. And who knows how long we have left.

I have so many things I could be doing during my down time at home, yet I can’t find the gumption to do any of it. It takes a real effort for me to even calm down and read, which is so unlike me. Reading is typically my escape from reality.

This first week of people taking the Covid-19 virus seriously has been challenging; all the doom and gloom this week is getting to me in a huge way. I have plenty of food, yet when I go to the stores and see all the empty shelves, it makes me feel panicky. I suppose this must be how those who live in hurricane zones and blizzards must feel when a big storm is heading their way, but I have never seen anything like this before.

*I have never seen grocery stores where you can’t buy a box of pasta or a gallon of milk or a carton of eggs. Or toilet paper. Or a chicken when you really want to make a big pot of chicken soup.

*I have never wondered how long 31 ½ rolls of toilet paper will last. I’ve never before counted how many rolls of toilet paper I have. 


This is what the store shelves looked like yesterday:

*I have never wondered if I have enough Clorox wipes or Kleenex or laundry soap. 

It is all surreal. I am trying to give myself grace because this settling in period is likely hard for everyone, not just me. I want to give myself grace for struggling this week, but I don’t want to let myself stay and wallow in this place, either. I know I need to get my shit together. I have forced myself to take a bit of time each day to turn off the television and sit outside, even if it is cold and raining and I have to wrap up in a blanket. I spent last night and this morning coming up with a few ideas for ways to make this time as easy on myself and my family as I can.

In the meantime, I am going to be happy that I haven’t put on a bra since Sunday. There is always a silver lining.