A lesson on clouds

I've been thinking up and writing this post in my head for the past few days, and I'm warning you, I'm not entirely sure how it's going to turn out. It's one of those times that I am struggling to put the thoughts in my brain into coherent words that will stream from my fingers to my keyboard.I've tried to sit and write it out a few times, and it just did not work. Now, of course, when I have a million other things I should be doing, NOW is time that I feel as if I just might be able to do it as I sit here in my strangely quiet house wrapped in a quilt because it's freezing.

Late Monday night, we had some really wicked storms. The kind of storms that make you wonder if you will be heading to the basement. The kind of storms that makes the tv weathermen stay at the station all night reporting on the weather. The kind of weather that I hate because it scares the crap out of me.

Early the next morning, as I was filling my coffee cup for the 2nd or 3rd time, I glanced out my kitchen window and saw this:





I have a perfect view of the sunrise from my kitchen window, and I love that. I make a point nearly every day of watching the sun rise and paint the sky all shades of pink and orange and purple. Every once in a while, I take my coffee out to the deck and just sit and watch for a few minutes. Sometimes, I snap some pictures. A few years ago, I stumbled upon the website of a professional photographer who took a picture of the sunrise every day for a year and posted them. I thought that was such a cool idea. I don't do that, though.

What I found interesting about this sunrise on this particular day was not even about the sun. In fact, I couldn't even see the sun as it was hidden behind the clouds. My photo doesn't really do it justice and convey all I saw when I watched that morning-after-the-storm sky transform from night into day. I will try to explain what I saw. I'd tell you to close your eyes and envision this, but then you wouldn't be able to read.

First, take a look at this picture:



I don't know if you can tell from that photo, but the sky was a strange mixture of dark, ominous storm clouds, those flat grayish clouds that I don't remember what they are called...oh, yeah, stratus clouds...fluffy white clouds, and clear blue sky. Cumulus, stratus, cumulonimbus...whatever...the sky was really amazing. I'm sure my junior high science teacher would be so proud that I remember the names, even if I don't remember what each one actually looks like.

I SWEAR, I am getting to the point!

Back to the amazing sky. As I looked at that sky, with the dark, almost black clouds, then the layer of less scary looking gray clouds superimposed over the white fluffy clouds and the beautiful cornflower blueness of the sky behind all these clouds, I thought about life. I thought about how even when things are at their darkest and scariest, there is something beautiful and amazing hidden behind the darkness. Sometimes, whatever is beautiful and amazing is too well-hidden, for sure. But it's there.

In those 15 or so minutes that I watched and periodically photographed the stormy/recovering-from-stormy sky that morning,I thought of so many times in my own life when I thought that the darkness would never go away...the times where I have felt like a dark cloud was following me around, hovering over me like that dirt cloud that followed Pigpen every where he went.Yet in every single one of those instances, eventually, the amazing beauty did reveal itself. I thought of those times as layers of clouds...in the beginning days when something bad happened and how everything seemed so hopeless and downright scary that it was impossible to imagine that anything would be good and right again...then comes the time when the darkness begins to lift somewhat, and while it's still a bit gray and gloomy, just like those stratus clouds, it is easier to see the hope for the future...and finally, the fluffy cotton candy clouds floating in the blue sky is the "gift" that comes after the storm.

Wow, that all sounds pretty corny, but that's the best way I can describe it.

I'm not going to write about all of those times in my life that flashed through my mind that morning because it would be a lonnnnnnnnnggggggg post that no one would really want to read, and it's long enough already. I will however write of two of my current life circumstances that watching that sky kind of put in perspective for me.

Back at the end of July, on the day that Tony called to tell me he was losing his job, I truly thought I would not make it through another day. We were still struggling to recover from his 7 months of unemployment in 2009, and I can't even describe how I felt when I recieved that phone call. My friend who listened to me cry on the phone 5 seconds after I hung from talking to Tony that day could probably give you a better idea of my frame of mind than I can because honestly, it's all a blur at this point. I will say that I didn't just feel like a dark, violent cloud was hanging over me, I felt surrounded and smothered and suffocated by it. No one could have convinced me in that moment that there was anything good or even okay beyond that cloud.

Yet there was. Tony's self esteem was literally just about gone at that point. He was in a state of mind I have never seen him in through all the many ups and downs we have dealt with over the past almost 25 years since we were married. I was really worried about him. But, in the past 3 months, he has received so many job offers...not all of them anything he would really want, but it has been a tremendous "boost" to him. He went from telling me he wanted to drive his car off a bridge into the Missouri River to feeling almost cocky...that he can do anything, that he is a valuable person with a lot to offer. Do I wish he/we wouldn't have had to go through what we did? YES! I do. But, he now has a job that he truly loves, they seem to love him, and he is doing well.

There is one more thing I'm going to write about, and then I have to stop. I have a long to do list for the day/weekend:

*Cross country meet (that I need to leave for in an hour)
*a million loads of laundry
*packing for my trip to DC
*grocery shopping
*clothes shopping with my daughter who hates to shop yet needs dress clothes for the cross country banquet
*And finally, the other daughter who informed me yesterday that we need to have a "baking weekend"

I digress...
The previous two weeks, I have had a difficult time at work with one of my co workers. This person has always gotten "under my skin," but I have gotten better at dealing with her. However, lately, she has moved to the very tippy top rung of my patience ladder. So far to the top that I wanted to push her off. (did I just say that?) Last week, I was so down on myself and the job I do because of her. Unfortunately, I tend to take it way to much to heart when people are not nice to me. And unfortunately, rather than looking at is their problem, I tend to take it on as my problem and doubt myself and beat myself up over it.

So last weekend, late one night, I sat down to write out all of my frustrations with her and the situation hoping it would make me feel better to get the thoughts out of my head, and a funny thing happened that has never happened before. I started out writing about the things she had said/done that pissed me off, and that led into how much of my heart and soul I have poured into my job lately, and how I had been feeling so good about what I have been doing, and how my boss and I had several conversations about this very thing while we were on our trip together a few weeks ago...and finally, how I felt like the situation with this difficult person had kind of "deflated" me.

And then, it hit me. Not only was I giving myself pats on the back, which I never ever EVER do, but I thought WHY do I continue to give this one person so much power over me and how I feel about myself and the job that I do? And that was truly an eye-opening thought for me.

I went to work this week with a completely different attitude. A knowing that I DO do a good job, that what she thinks really doesn't matter. That moment of "Hey, quit letting one person make you feel bad about yourself" was a blue sky behind the clouds moment for me. I am actually thankful for the turmoil and drama this person caused for me, because for the first time in a very long time, I feel good about what I do and who I am. This time last week, I really wanted more than anything to be able to quit my job. I job that I really do love and am passionate about. All because of one person. How lame is that???

I'm going to leave with one last photo...to remind you (and me!) that behind even the darkest, scariest clouds, the blue sky is waiting patiently to reveal itself. And NOW, I really MUST stop writing or I will miss my kids last cross country meet. And there will be no blue sky behind THAT black cloud!