Dancing in the Rain: It's Gonna Be Okay, Mary Ellen

A couple of weeks ago, my brother in law called me. At the time, we were barely two weeks into this stay-at-home gig (we are now on day 35. EEEEK). We were having a fun conversation, talking about all the scary things that are happening while at the same time trying to be a bit silly, because sometimes, you just have to laugh.

It was fun and lighthearted until I ended up in a downward spiral of all the “what ifs” I could imagine. He quietly listened to me, and then said, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen.”

That broke the mood and made me laugh. It was perfect at the time. Especially since in the weeks prior, I had often thought of the Walton’s and wondered if that is the kind of life we can expect when we come out of this. But he didn’t know that. Yeah, like I said, downward spiral.

I have thought of that conversation and that comment often over the past few weeks, especially when I am having a bad day of worry and anxiety. On those days, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen,” is my mantra. There are times I believe it. Other times I do not believe it at all.

On day 35 of staying in, there are over 32,000 deaths, and there seems to be no end in sight. This time last week when I wrote, there were just under 13,000. Again, I cannot wrap my brain around that. It is unfathomable.

Despite that, somedays, I cope well, and I am okay. Really okay. On those days, I sit outside and do nothing but let the sun warm my face while I sip coffee or a glass of wine. I go about my life cooking, cleaning, singing to music playing in my kitchen. I bundle up and go for walks and pay attention to birds singing and spring flowers blooming. I read a magazine or watch a couple of episodes of The Great British Baking Show. I make homemade peanut butter eggs and decorate Easter cupcakes.

Other days, I am not coping well at all and feel as if all the work I have done the past year to get a grip on my anxiety is unraveling. On those days, I try to be gentle with myself. I remind myself that when things first started to go sideways, that first week seemed impossible to get through. Yet here I am at the end of 5 weeks in.

On the days when it all feels like too damn much, I try to remember the days when I feel almost normal, when life doesn’t feel so full of uncertainty and fear. But if I have learned anything these past few weeks it is that life is ALWAYS uncertain and fragile; we just tend to not think about how uncertain it really is until something disastrous happens.

Is it all really gonna be okay? I don’t know. It will be or it won’t be, but for now, I’m going to keep trying to embrace the good days, or even just the good moments, when they come along. And thankfully, right now at least, there are plenty good moments. And on the days that I struggle, I’m going to keep telling myself, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary Ellen.”

And now, I’m going to share some pics of moments I embraced this past week.

My girls spending time this weekend doing a puzzle together