Wilted

See that bright, yellow flower? It is not obvious from my lousy photo, but it is droopy and wilted. Last night, it was fine, a pretty little puffball of a flower standing tall and proud and strong in its turquoise bottle; this morning, it is wilted and sad.

When I walked into my kitchen early this morning and noticed it as I was brewing my coffee, I thought, “That flower is how I have been feeling the last few days.” Droopy. Wilted.

Halfway into week 4 of being cut off from life, I feel wilted, like that flower that was swiftly snipped from its life-sustaining plant and stuck in a bottle.

Even though it is slouchy, that flower is still hanging onto its cheerful yellow color. Last week, I wrote about bringing sunshine to my life. I am still trying to do that. I am trying to hold on to being like that perky flower. But I’m not going to lie, most days, it is a very real struggle to do that. This season of life is a struggle. It feels like this will never end, like things will never be normal again. It does help to remind myself of how much worse things could be for me and my family, but the struggle is still real, and I strive every day to find ways to keep my anxiety and fears at bay. To be strong in the bottle I am forced into right now.

I am giving my all to:

*adjusting to this new slow, weird pace of life

*being good to myself

*keeping it all together at home

*doing my “work” work

*focusing on every little thing I can that reminds me life is still good, even if it is turned upside down and sideways and inside out right now

*being okay with feeling slouchy some days

*not freaking out because it is allergy season and I’ve had a sore throat and mild headache for 5 days

*keeping my sanity intact in the face of news that becomes more dire each day

And it does become more dire each day. This time last week, there were slightly more than 3,000 deaths nationwide. Right now, it is nearing 13,000. This time a month ago, there were 11.

I simply canNOT wrap my head around this. I wake up each day thinking it is not real. How can this be real in 2020?? Some days, it gets the best of me. On those days, I feel weary and wilted. Not like I am standing tall and strong at all.

Speaking of focusing on little things: I tossed the droopy flower in the trash, and when the coffee was finished, I took my steaming mug out the porch. As I settled into my chair, I closed my eyes, breathed in the coffee and the fresh, damp air. I opened my eyes and noticed these tulips blooming.

Sunny, yellow, not wilted. Yesterday, they were not in bloom, and this morning, they are. They picked the perfect day to show their pretty faces, and they made me smile. One day these cheerful tulips will also wilt and fade away, but I am not going to let that stop me from enjoying them right now. It is warm today, and tomorrow, it will be cold again, so I am going to make the most of the day, whatever it brings. I will look for ways to drink some life into my being like flowers cut from their plants drink water through their stems to keep them from wilting.

Today, I am thankful for these blooming tulips. They inspired me to write this post because I know I want to remember all of this. I want to remember the spring morning I woke up feeling wilted and sad, and within the space of a few minutes, I felt hopeful because not even a pandemic can stop spring.