Yesterday was interesting.

I went into the office for a while so I could clean and purge in my own office before our big makeover today. There was crap in my office that I "inherited" when I moved in, and I had never even touched most of it. Had no clue what most of it even was to be honest. There is a huge filing cabinet that I only use the top drawer, and the rest of it was just full of stuff. I mean crap.

So I made numerous trips downstairs with armloads of this stuff to shred. Shredding was actually quite therapuetic for me. As I happily fed piles of papers into the machine, I envisioned shredding my worries and fears...just purging them right from my mind and life. I carried a few loads of shredded paper outside to our recycling bin (yes, we are green at the Share office! LOL) and with each load I dumped in and slammed the lid down on, I pictured all of my cares going into that bin of trash.

After about 3 trips out to empty the bin from the shredder, it started storming. I mean really storming...high winds, thunder and lightening...it looked like it was 8 at night instead of noon. Just the kind of storm that scares me the most. On my next trip outside, it started to rain, so I kind of ran/skipped to the curb, and just before I reached the recycling dumpster, my bare feet slipped on the wet sidewalk. (Yes, we are heathens who sometimes run around the office barefooted. Can you believe it? We are very casual there! No, really, I was only barefooted because I was wearing sandals and I was going up and down the stairs so much, and there is one thing that scares me almost as much as storms, and that is going up and down the staircase. No, I'm not neurotic, but a couple of years ago, I fell on that staircase while wearing sandals and my left foot will never be the same as a result. So I have a good reason for running around my office in bare feet).

So like I said, I slipped on the sidewalk, and thinking of my injured foot, I flailed around a bit, hoping not to fall and hurt myself...I have a bag of shredded paper in my hand...I'm sure I looked pretty comical to anyone who may have seen me, and when I regained my balance (I did not fall thankfully!), I thought to myself it probably looked like some crazy lady was doing some crazy dance in the rain.

So there you have it. Yesterday, I really did dance in the rain, without even meaning to. I only wish it was as easy to purge my mind as it was to purge my office, because that sure felt good!

Dancing in the Rain take 6...

I really debated with myself if I wanted to share this blog with anyone. I have a friend who tells me that I way over think things, and I do. I wish that I didn't, but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. One of many things I can't seem to stop myself from doing, but I won't go there!

I love to write, but it is way way WAY out of my comfort zone to put myself "out there." Ask my coworkers...whenever I have to write something for Share that in any way involves me and my feelings, I flounder. Give me facts to write about, and I can write till my fingers are cramped. Make me write about something personal or emotional, and it can take me days to write a few paragraphs. And the funny thing is that when I am writing something personal or emotional, I often try to scoot my way around it, and as soon as my boss reads it, she knows that's what I have done, and she will hand it back to me and tell me to keep working on it, that it's missing "something." And I always know what that something is. And unfortunately, the something is usually what I don't want to write about.

This really is going somewhere, I promise! Sometimes, it takes me a while to get to my point...hence the title of this blog.

So, for several days, I just couldn't decide if I wanted to let anyone read this blog. What finally helped me reach the decision to do it was knowing that I often come up with great ideas (or at least what I think are great ideas) and then I give up on whatever it is. I wisely thought that if I knew that people were reading, it would inspire me to continue trying to make the best of a sucky situation. Because while I do tend to give up on things, I don't necessarily want anyone to be a witness to my giving up.

I know it's only been a few days, but I'm glad I decided to share it and let others read it. Because I probably would have already given up by now. Yes, indeed...I would have given up on trying every day to dance in the rain. I don't like rain, and I really don't much like dancing. Actually, it's not that I don't like dancing, I'm just not very good at it. Dancing is one of those things I have always wanted to be good at. I'm going to embarrass myself here, so brace yourself. If you are reading this with a drink in your hand, put it down before continuing, or what you are drinking may end up on your computer screen, and then you'll be mad at me.


Are you ready for this?????




This is one of my deep, dark secrets that I have never told anyone before. Because I knew that whoever I told would laugh hysterically. I guess I'm safe here, though, because if you laugh until you pee your pants, I won't know it.








I have always secretly wanted to be like my old friend from high school...I won't say her name but a few of you reading this have met this friend and will probably immediately know who I am talking about. (I didn't invite her to read this blog by the way! LOL)I'll just call her Bertha. Bertha is and always has been a wild and crazy gal...the kind of person who really doesn't give a flying flip what anyone thinks of her. She has always been a "march to your own drummer" kind of person. She's loud, outgoing, attention getting...she probably has more friends than anyone I've ever known. She is the complete and total opposite of me in pretty much every way, and many times since we became friends at the age of 14, I have wondered exactly why we were friends, what drew us to each other. Bertha was also a partier. Maybe she still is, I don't really know because I don't see or talk to her much these days. I don't mean partier in a bad way, just in a makes her own kind of fun wherever she goes kind of way.

Are you wondering yet when I'm going to get to the part that's going to make you laugh? I'm getting there. Soon. Very soon. I promise.

In our younger days, Bertha loved going out to bars and nightclubs. And that girl can DANCE. Many times, she would clear the dance floor...you know, like a scene from a movie where everyone circles around one person who is really putting on a show and then claps when the song ends. A few years after high school, she even spent some time as a cheerleader for a St. Louis professional sports team. That's how good of a dancer she is/was. This has absolutely not one thing to do with the story I'm telling, but she also dated a member of the Busch family, as in Anhueser Busch. I know that has nothing to do with anything.

I always hated going out with Bertha and her friends, because pretty much all of them were just like her. And then there was little ol' me. Sitting like a wallflower while Bertha cleared dance floors and danced on the top of tables. Yep, she danced on top of tables. Even when she hadn't been drinking. I'm sure most people would look at someone dancing on top of a table in a nightclub and think something like, "Whoa! That chick's knocked back a few too many tonight!" Sometimes she did have a few too many, but that wasn't a pre requisite for her table dancing. She actually met the member of the Busch family in a club, but I have no idea if she was dancing on a table that night or not.

I guess by now you are really wondering when you're going to laugh, huh? Well, here it comes. Are you really good and ready now?


I have always secretly wished I was the kind of person who could dance on tables in nightclubs.


I had to set that sentence off by itself so it can really soak in for ya!


It's not that I really want to dance on a table in a bar, I just want to be that unihibited, that confident in myself...that stone cold sober, I could hop up on a table and dance without giving a rat's patootie what anyone thought about me. I've been to nightclubs with a couple of you, and you know that I am speaking the truth, aren't I??

But alas, we all know I am not, have never been, and never will BE a table dancer.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a rain dancer either.

Like I said already, I don't like rain much because it's depressing. I only like it in the heat of the summer when my lawn is wilting and thirsty. Or on days when I don't have anything else to do besides curl up on the couch with coffee and a book. I'm a sunshine gal all the way. And I've already explained in way too much detail how I feel about dancing. And I definately do not like storms. Some people do, and I'm not one of them. I used to love a good storm, and then two things happened. One, we lived in Nebraska/Iowa for a few years, and for those of you who don't know this already, I think those two states are the tornado capitals of the world. No, I guess that is Kansas. But Nebraska and Iowa are close. Two, when I was pregnant with Lauren, our house was struck by lightening late one night. So my love of a good storm no longer exists. They scare me. Not much scares me. I am a mom of 3 almost 4 teenagers for crying out loud. I can handle most anything. But storms turn me into a heart-pounding bundle of fear.

So you can imagine how I have been feeling the past few weeks. I'm a heart-pounding bundle of fear. And I really have been wishing that I wouldn't have taken on this "dance in the rain" thing. In fact, I'm really starting to think it was a dumb idea. Yesterday, I was on my way home from work, and I was stressed just thinking about my dance of the day. (That's what I have started calling it in my mind...my dance of the day. LOL) I don't want to dance in the rain because I don't want it to be raining.

I couldn't come up with anything yesterday. Nada. Zilch. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. The only thing I could come up with for my gratitude journal yesterday was thank GOD I put dinner in the crock pot before I went to work! Because for once, I wasn't even in the mood to cook. Lame, I know.

But, today is a new day...for anyone who read this long awful thing, I thank you, and I hope you haven't poked your eyes out.

I was watching Today in St. Louis this morning, and they were doing a segment about a huge bookfair in St. Louis to benefit the YMCA that is going on until next Wednesday, and I'm going to go. Not today...it opens today, and it costs $10 to get in. I'm going to go tomorrow though because after today, it's free admission. And I am all about free these days. Hopefully, I will find some cheap books. I'll report back about that!

I will also be baking again today. Banana muffins and pumpkin muffins, if I can find pumpkin, to take to the people who are doing the Extreme Makeover Share Edition tomorrow.

Pretzels...

Since my friend Chip asked to see a picture of my pretzels, here it is!

Day 4...

Why is this so hard already?

I'm writing early today because I am so tired I can barely keep myself awake and it's only 7 pm. I was tempted to not write at all today, but I have a certain friend who will remain unnamed who has already written me when I don't post. I'm grateful that she does because I told her before I started doing this that I wanted her to keep on it. Thanks potato chip! :)

I've not done anything special today, I will shamefully admit. I've had a rough day. I'm not going to write why because I'm supposed to be being POS-I-TIVE.

I am thankful for a couple of things today, and that is going to be my "dance." Being grateful. Because I really can't muster up anything else.

First of all, when Rachel asked what was for dinner, and I told her, she replied with "Oh, that's my favorite! Can S---stay for dinner?" S was here swimming, and Rachel was so excited when I told her she could stay for dinner. I just made her day. With 4 hungry teenagers and a hungry husband, it's not often that I can have spur of the moment dinner guests since my kids alone usually inhale whatever I've made for dinner 2.3 seconds after I tell them dinner is ready.

Second of all, lots of good news at work today. There is a not for profit organization called I Love St. Charles, and they chose Share to do some work for. So they are coming to our office on Saturday to tuckpoint our brick, put on new siding, fix our roof, and paint inside. Our office is in an old house, and it has many problems, that we as a not for profit on a limited budget cannot afford to fix. Squirrels and wasps love it but we don't. We just never know what we are going to encounter each day. My office has a wall that is brick, which is lovely, but it also allows wasps easy access. Soooo...on Saturday, this organization is bringing 50 volunteers to spruce up our office, and we are all so excited! We are going to bring the workers food, which I'm also excited about. Since I relieve my stress by baking, I can bake, but not have to eat what I bake. Bonus!

I'm also grateful that all of my kids are here right now, and it's quiet! No one is arguing, no one is yelling, no one is demanding my attention...no one is handing me a pile of smelly running clothes to wash...

On other thing...Deb, one of my coworkers, emailed me today to tell me that she made me homemade pesto. I LOVE pesto, especially homemade...so I can't wait to go to work tomorrow so I can get it.

I haven't come up with what else I'm grateful for today, but I will! I could more easily come up with the bad things about today, but I will not.

I can't think of a title...

I didn't write anything yesterday because I didn't have time. I am swamped with work...I was in the office from 8-4:30, and I worked several more hours at home. By the time I had a free minute to write, it was late and I was falling asleep at my computer.

If I would have written yesterday, these are the things I would have written about. First of all, my car is fine, thanks to my husband. He discovered something dumb that he hadn't checked, and I won't say what it is, because it was REALLY dumb. He knows that, and most of you who are reading this know him and I don't want to embarrass him because he is a really good guy. But, he figured it out, and for now, my van is functioning. It's rather old, so who knows for how long, but I'm not going to think about that right now.

So that was a good thing. Yesterday was a long day, and I honestly couldn't fit any fun in, but all day, I kept thinking to myself "Thank God my car is fine...Thank God my car is fine..." I chanted that instead of my "dance in the rain, Rose" chant. I really thought that was enough for the day, but I decided last night to do something else. I started a gratitude journal. I did that years ago, and I really enjoyed it, and I decided now was the perfect time to do it again. Every night, I'm going to make myself write 5 things I am grateful for. I'm sure it will be a struggle some days, but I will do it, even if the only things I can write are things like "I'm grateful this day is over" or "I'm grateful my dog didn't kill any baby bunnies and drop them at my feet today."

Speaking of dogs dropping dead bunnies at my feet...my dog definately danced in the rain yesterday. He loves chasing things...flies, other dogs, people...but his favorite thing to chase is the rabbits that nest under our shed. I really do think that rabbits must be the dumbest animals there are. I mean really, why would rabbits continue to inhabit a place where they are daily chased by a German Shepherd? I've even caught the dog on numerous occasions squeezing his body under the shed trying to get at the nest. If I had some big hairy beast trying to invade MY home on a daily basis, I'd move.

So Rudy loves chasing rabbits, and every once in a while, he actually catches one. I hate that, because he kills them of course when he catches them. Although I shouldn't hate it because that means there is one less rabbit to eat my hostas and flowers. Fortunately, he doesn't eat them like our last dog did. That was gross, because they made her sick. I won't subject you to the details of that. You'll just have to trust me. Rudy doesn't eat them. He just kills them and then brings them to the door, drops them, and then barks. And then sits there all proud, wagging his tail. If it wasn't so gross, it would be cute.

I thought this was going to be a short post, but it's turning out not to be. I need a tshirt that says "I'm writing and I can't shut up!"

I'll keep the rest brief. Today, I watched the sun rise from my kitchen window. I don't seem to be able to sleep past 5 AM these days, and I often watch the sun rise. Today, it was really pretty, and while I waited for my coffee to brew, I watched the sunrise instead of going to the couch with a quilt to watch some dumb show in tv. I watch too many of those early in the morning anyway. I took a picture of it...here it is. I'm not the best photographer, but I dream of being one.

UGH. I wish I was better at this computer/blog stuff, because I tried to insert the picture right after I said how much I dream of being a photographer, but it ended up at the top. Oh well. That is the sunrise I watched out of my kitchen window at around 5:30 this morning.

I did one other thing today too. Silly probably. Don't laugh. Although if you do, I won't know it. So laugh if you want, but don't tell me that you laughed, okay?

I love to knit. I taught myself about 3 years ago. I don't knit anything all that cool mainly because I'm too chicken to attempt anything that isn't a square or rectangle. So I've knitted scarves and dishclothes and that's about it. I actually LOVE knitted dishcloths and will probably never buy a discloth at the store again. I used to laugh at my aunt for making them, but they really are awesome. I haven't made any for a while. Today, I went to Michaels and bought 3 bundles of cotton yarn to make some fallish dishcloths. I can't post a picture since I haven't made them yet.

Okay...I think I am done with this post.

Dance in the Rain, Rose...Dance in the Rain...

I actually wrote this post Sunday night, but I haven't had the chance to post it.

I have chanted the above to myself numerous times today. I'm only one day into my effort to find a way to dance in the rain, and already, I am struggling to do it.

Something is wrong with my car. I don't know what, Tony thought he could fix it, but he couldn't. He's trying a few things, and I hope it works, because we don't have the money to take it somewhere to be fixed. I couldn't go to the Share family picnic today since I had no car. Tony and Lauren had to be in South County for a basketball tournament, so I was stuck at home. I love going to the picnic, and I'm so sad to have missed it. It's one of the few times we see some of the families, and a few of them have had babies in the past year. I was so looking forward to it, even though it is blazing hot today, and I'm so disappointed that I couldn't go.

So today, several times, I found myself chanting "dance in the rain, Rose, dance in the rain. Dance in the rain, Rose..."(in my head of course, not outloud. That would be too crazy, even for me).

So, how did I dance in the rain today? I baked! I wish I had a healthier way to relieve stress, but when I'm stressed, I want to cook and bake.

First, I decided I was going to bake these divine cupcakes that I found the recipe online for a couple of weeks ago. Chocolate cupcakes with a mini Reese's cup smooshed down in the middle. Peanut butter frosting. Dipped in chocolate that hardens when it gets cold. I've been thinking about these cupcakes for weeks. Drooling over just the thought of eating one. So today, I made them.

And oh my stars! They are good. Delicious. Heavenly. The adjectives could go on and on. And I even cheated...I didn't make the cupcakes from scratch. I wanted to because the recipe sounded interesting. But I didn't have all the ingredients I needed, and I did have a Duncan Hines Triple Chocolate Cake mix. Triple chocolate anything must be good, right?

So on to the frosting...peanut butter...butter...powdered sugar...a little milk...YUM! I love homemade frosting. And it's so easy to make, too. This recipe made a lot of frosting. Good thing too since I ate...um....tasted tested...a spoonful or two. I had to make sure it was okay before feeding it to my family, didn't I?? It was so good, I had to force myself to stop eating it. Even with all the frosting I ate, there was still enough to swirl a huge mound of it onto the cupcakes. I also cheated on the chocolate topping. The recipe is for a homemade "magic shell" type topping. It's simple...only 2 ingredients...melted Hershey bars and a bit of coconut oil. I went to Schnucks yesterday to look for coconut oil. They had it, but I just couldn't make myself spend $10 on a jar of coconut oil that was the size of a jelly jar. And it's not really oil, it looks like it's the consistency of Crisco shortening. In a small jar. That costs $10. I just couldn't do it. I had Magic Shell in my pantry, so that had to do. I frosted the cupcakes and squirted the Magic Shell, letting it drizzle over the top, down the sides, and onto the counter, making a big mess. And then I scooped the mess up from the counter with my fingers and rinsed it off in the sink. Yeah, right...

Enough talk about cupcakes. I've already eaten one or two, and I need to stop talking about them. They are amazing, and I will be making them again.
There's a picture for you to drool over. Just don't drool onto your keyboard, okay?


I also baked homemade pretzels. I've never done that before, but I have always wanted to. They were super easy. Well, the 8 minutes of kneading was harder than I expected, and I kept watching the timer. I should make them every day...my arms would be in swimsuit model shape, that's for sure. My arms would be the only thing in shape though if I made homemade pretzels every day. They were sooooooo good. After they were finished baking, I brushed melted butter (you know the low fat kind), and sprinkled them with kosher salt. I wanted to be stingy and not share them with anyone, not even the kids. But I did. I shared with Rachel's girl scout leader too, when she dropped off Rachel from camp. I also decided to be nice and share them with Tony and the kids. They loved them as much as I did, and want me to make them every day. It's a good thing I have a job or I might be tempted to do that. (They were good, but they did take a long time).

It's now almost 8 PM. Tony has tried a couple of things to fix my van, but they didn't work. So now I have no car....but, I spent time doing something I love (baking) and doing something else that I love (eating). When Lauren got home this afternoon, she walked in the front door and announced, "the house smells delicious, Mom!" So I will shut my computer down soon and go to bed, knowing that while today was tough, and I worry about what I will do about my van, I ate some yummy stuff and enjoyed a quiet day of not leaving the house. That is how I danced in the rain today.

I don't think though that I will be able to convince myself that cleaning up the terrible mess that is my kitchen is dancing in the rain.

Dancing in the Rain

I always seem to run across quotes that "speak" to me for one reason or another. I have always collected quotes, even when I was in high school. I wrote them in spiral notebooks and on scrap pieces of paper. I still do. I try to keep them organized, but sometimes I write them on the back of grocery receipts and bank deposit slips. A year or so ago, our computer crashed, and one of the things I was most upset about losing was my extensive quote collection. Did I say I love collecting quotes?

Lately, I have been seeing this quote in lots of different places. There must be a reason for that, right?

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

That is what I want to do...how I want to live my life. Dancing in the rain. I want more than anything to be be able to enjoy whatever it is that I have without longing for what I don't have. I want to enjoy what I have without that niggling worry in the back of my mind that whispers "what if..." I don't want to let what is going on with us right now, or any other time, rule my life or define it.

I think one of the things that has really gotten me down this last week is remembering how last year when Tony didn't have a job, I felt like our life was "on hold." It was hard to do anything fun. It was hard to let myself feel happy at all. It was hard to do anything other than what I needed ot do to survive and get through each day. It was hard for me to even get out the camera and take pictures then. I moved around on autopilot, doing the bare minimum of what I needed to do to get myself and my family through each day.

That is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way. I can't do it again. I just cannot.

Yes. We are once again going through a very scary and challenging time. Our future is shaky and uncertain, again. I am having an extremely difficult time not getting so bogged down in it that I forget the things that are really important. Last Friday night, I was sitting on the deck while Rachel and her friend were swimming. Honestly, it was miserable out there. It was dreadfully hot. Sweat was running down my face. Mosquitos were having a full fledged banquet courtesy of me. And I was in tears...I kept thinking what if this is the last summer I sit out on this deck, watching my kids swim in our pool? And I don't want to think that way! I don't want to worry so much.

I want to find ways to "dance in the rain." And right now, it's really raining down upon us.

I know that we have so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of all this. We did last year, too, and I was very aware of that. This time though, I'm having a harder time seeing the blessings and focusing on them. I'm having a much harder time holding onto hope. I know that part of it is that we were in a much better financial position last time, but it's more than that. The last time, I assumed from the beginning that Tony would find a job right away. He didn't, and it took 7 months. Now, I can't assume, or even hope, that he will find something quickly. I know realistically how long it may take, and the thought of that scares me silly.

So back to my quote. What I really want to do is what I do every time we are in the midst of a severe storm...head down to the basement and wait for the storm to pass before coming back up. I want to go curl up somewhere and wait for this storm to pass. Obviously, I can't do that, no matter how badly I long to.

Instead, I am going to make a conscious effort every day to dance in the rain. Every day, I am going to come up with something, even if it's a small thing, that I can do to enjoy the day. No matter what the day may bring. I'm going to write about it and take a picture if possible.

I tend to come up with grand ideas that I never follow through on, and I don't want this to be one of them.