Dancing in the Rain

I always seem to run across quotes that "speak" to me for one reason or another. I have always collected quotes, even when I was in high school. I wrote them in spiral notebooks and on scrap pieces of paper. I still do. I try to keep them organized, but sometimes I write them on the back of grocery receipts and bank deposit slips. A year or so ago, our computer crashed, and one of the things I was most upset about losing was my extensive quote collection. Did I say I love collecting quotes?

Lately, I have been seeing this quote in lots of different places. There must be a reason for that, right?

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

That is what I want to do...how I want to live my life. Dancing in the rain. I want more than anything to be be able to enjoy whatever it is that I have without longing for what I don't have. I want to enjoy what I have without that niggling worry in the back of my mind that whispers "what if..." I don't want to let what is going on with us right now, or any other time, rule my life or define it.

I think one of the things that has really gotten me down this last week is remembering how last year when Tony didn't have a job, I felt like our life was "on hold." It was hard to do anything fun. It was hard to let myself feel happy at all. It was hard to do anything other than what I needed ot do to survive and get through each day. It was hard for me to even get out the camera and take pictures then. I moved around on autopilot, doing the bare minimum of what I needed to do to get myself and my family through each day.

That is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way. I can't do it again. I just cannot.

Yes. We are once again going through a very scary and challenging time. Our future is shaky and uncertain, again. I am having an extremely difficult time not getting so bogged down in it that I forget the things that are really important. Last Friday night, I was sitting on the deck while Rachel and her friend were swimming. Honestly, it was miserable out there. It was dreadfully hot. Sweat was running down my face. Mosquitos were having a full fledged banquet courtesy of me. And I was in tears...I kept thinking what if this is the last summer I sit out on this deck, watching my kids swim in our pool? And I don't want to think that way! I don't want to worry so much.

I want to find ways to "dance in the rain." And right now, it's really raining down upon us.

I know that we have so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of all this. We did last year, too, and I was very aware of that. This time though, I'm having a harder time seeing the blessings and focusing on them. I'm having a much harder time holding onto hope. I know that part of it is that we were in a much better financial position last time, but it's more than that. The last time, I assumed from the beginning that Tony would find a job right away. He didn't, and it took 7 months. Now, I can't assume, or even hope, that he will find something quickly. I know realistically how long it may take, and the thought of that scares me silly.

So back to my quote. What I really want to do is what I do every time we are in the midst of a severe storm...head down to the basement and wait for the storm to pass before coming back up. I want to go curl up somewhere and wait for this storm to pass. Obviously, I can't do that, no matter how badly I long to.

Instead, I am going to make a conscious effort every day to dance in the rain. Every day, I am going to come up with something, even if it's a small thing, that I can do to enjoy the day. No matter what the day may bring. I'm going to write about it and take a picture if possible.

I tend to come up with grand ideas that I never follow through on, and I don't want this to be one of them.