Where will we be in 6 months...in a year...I wish I had a crystal ball I could gaze into and SEE where we will be. Maybe then, I would stop thinking to myself a thousand times a day, every time I say something that assumes we will be here in this house in the future "wait, maybe we WON'T do that next summer." I'm tired of thinking that.
Today, I was in the backyard with Lauren. She was digging weeds out of the garden. It's a pretty paltry garden, containing one tomato plant, one rhubarb plant, and a few struggling strawberry plants, donated by Mom. The strawberry plants really need their own raised bed, but Tony didn't have the materials to build another one. This afternoon, I told Lauren that next year, he would need to build another along the back fence for the tomatoes and other plants so the strawberries could have their own.
Next year.
The next door neighbor was out opening his pool. Tony told him he had considered taking ours down as the kids don't use it much, and that he probably will next year.
Next year.
Later, I was on the swing, and Tony noticed a board on one of the steps coming down from the deck was rotting. He told me that he had noticed a few others, too. And he said that next year, we will have to replace the flooring of the deck.
Next year.
Something I have said many times and never given it a second thought that there may not BE a next year.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Fingers crossed
Last night, I cried. Really cried. It wasn't the first time I've cried in the past 5 months, but it WAS the first time I really LET myself cry. Without trying to make myself stop. Always, I try to make myself stop, afraid of where I will end up if I don't.
Why did I let myself cry last night?
It was a long night. I did chat, and while it was a good chat, I was in the chatroom until 11. I was on the couch, laptop on my lap, falling asleep, that's how long I was in there. 3 hours. I finally told everyone I had to leave. I was exhausted, and Brandon was getting off work at 1:30. AM. I needed to sleep for a few hours before I had to go pick him up. I was afraid to go to bed, because I was afraid I wouldn't get up. So Tony said he would set the alarm, I was going to fall asleep on the couch, and he would come downstairs and wake me when the alarm went off.
So I settled in on the couch with a quilt, and Tony went out to his car because he remembered he left his cell phone in it. He wanted to keep his phone by the bed in case Brandon called to tell us he got off early. I was keeping the house phone on the table next to the couch for the same reason.
So to the reason why I cried last night...
He came in the family room, where I was comfy on the couch, falling asleep, and said, "I need to call in the morning to confirm the time, but the zoo called and wants me to come for a second interview Thursday morning." Then he went up to bed.
And I lay there on the couch, crying...crying out all of the pent up, held back tears of the past five months. The tears of frustration. The tears of fear. I know it's only a second interview, there are two others in the running besides Tony, he's had second interviews before that amounted to nothing, but there I lay on my couch, crying, pleading with God to PLEASE let this be the job he gets. PLEASE. It's not just "A", any old job...it's a job that is perfect for him, he is excited about the thought of working there...and, he needs a job. That's what it all comes down to, HE. NEEDS. A. JOB. We need for him to have a job.
So, tomorrow morning at 9:30, he has the interview. Not really an interview in the normal sense...he has to go in and meet all of the people who will be working for him if he gets the job. I guess the purpose of this is to see how compatible he is with those he would supervise. He has said several times the person who interviewed him really seems to like him. We've had our hopes up so many times the past few months, though.
But I really hope this is it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is. I don't know if I will be able to take it if he doesn't get this job.
I still have such a hard time believing sometimes that this is our life...that Tony has been unemployed for 5 months. That WE have become part of the statistics everyone reads about and hears about.
How did this happen? And how will this end?
Why did I let myself cry last night?
It was a long night. I did chat, and while it was a good chat, I was in the chatroom until 11. I was on the couch, laptop on my lap, falling asleep, that's how long I was in there. 3 hours. I finally told everyone I had to leave. I was exhausted, and Brandon was getting off work at 1:30. AM. I needed to sleep for a few hours before I had to go pick him up. I was afraid to go to bed, because I was afraid I wouldn't get up. So Tony said he would set the alarm, I was going to fall asleep on the couch, and he would come downstairs and wake me when the alarm went off.
So I settled in on the couch with a quilt, and Tony went out to his car because he remembered he left his cell phone in it. He wanted to keep his phone by the bed in case Brandon called to tell us he got off early. I was keeping the house phone on the table next to the couch for the same reason.
So to the reason why I cried last night...
He came in the family room, where I was comfy on the couch, falling asleep, and said, "I need to call in the morning to confirm the time, but the zoo called and wants me to come for a second interview Thursday morning." Then he went up to bed.
And I lay there on the couch, crying...crying out all of the pent up, held back tears of the past five months. The tears of frustration. The tears of fear. I know it's only a second interview, there are two others in the running besides Tony, he's had second interviews before that amounted to nothing, but there I lay on my couch, crying, pleading with God to PLEASE let this be the job he gets. PLEASE. It's not just "A", any old job...it's a job that is perfect for him, he is excited about the thought of working there...and, he needs a job. That's what it all comes down to, HE. NEEDS. A. JOB. We need for him to have a job.
So, tomorrow morning at 9:30, he has the interview. Not really an interview in the normal sense...he has to go in and meet all of the people who will be working for him if he gets the job. I guess the purpose of this is to see how compatible he is with those he would supervise. He has said several times the person who interviewed him really seems to like him. We've had our hopes up so many times the past few months, though.
But I really hope this is it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is. I don't know if I will be able to take it if he doesn't get this job.
I still have such a hard time believing sometimes that this is our life...that Tony has been unemployed for 5 months. That WE have become part of the statistics everyone reads about and hears about.
How did this happen? And how will this end?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
An (almost) normal day
It almost seemed like any other late spring, close to summer Saturday. Almost. The house was stifling, so we reluctantly turned on the air conditioner, as we do every year at this time.
I cleaned and did laundry. Tony and the boys did some yard work and picked up pool chemicals. He doesn't want to open the pool this year, as money is so tight, but the kids have all given up so much...and if we don't open the pool, what will they do all summer?
The kids played outside. I made Angel Ball bracelets. I went grocery shopping and bought the ingredients to make potato salad for dinner tomorrow. Tony picked up pizza for dinner tonight. (has to be our cheapest dinner ever...one pizza free from Papa Johns with a coupon, and another, $5, from Little Caesars. So two pizzas for $5. Can't beat that!) . Cardinals baseball was on tv. There is a small white cardboard box of freshly picked strawberries from Theis Farm sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be sliced and frozen. The kids (and me of course!) have been washing and eating strawberries all day. I looked up recipes online for strawberry bread.
It seemed like any other Saturday in any other May.
But it's not.
As I went about my day, doing the things that I normally would do on a beautiful spring Saturday, just the kind of weather I have been patiently, or not so patiently waiting for all winter, I couldn't help but think that while this SEEMED like a typical Saturday, it is far from that. So very far.
It's been almost 5 months now since Tony lost his job. I would never in a million years have imagined in my worst nightmares that he still wouldn't have a job. Well, he IS working, but it's a temporary job, no benefits, so while there is money coming in, it's just not the same. It has given me some relief, but there is still that nagging fear in the back of my mind...that fear of what is going to happen to us if he doesn't get a job soon.
Every time I find myself with a little bit of joy or happiness, as I did today, I quickly am brought back to reality...and I think "My husband doesn't have a JOB!! How can I be happy or joyous for even a moment?" Sigh.... Then a moment later, I think that I need to take whatever moments of happiness and joy I can get. Right?
This just sucks. I wanted to be able to enjoy, really enjoy, this beautiful spring day.
I cleaned and did laundry. Tony and the boys did some yard work and picked up pool chemicals. He doesn't want to open the pool this year, as money is so tight, but the kids have all given up so much...and if we don't open the pool, what will they do all summer?
The kids played outside. I made Angel Ball bracelets. I went grocery shopping and bought the ingredients to make potato salad for dinner tomorrow. Tony picked up pizza for dinner tonight. (has to be our cheapest dinner ever...one pizza free from Papa Johns with a coupon, and another, $5, from Little Caesars. So two pizzas for $5. Can't beat that!) . Cardinals baseball was on tv. There is a small white cardboard box of freshly picked strawberries from Theis Farm sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be sliced and frozen. The kids (and me of course!) have been washing and eating strawberries all day. I looked up recipes online for strawberry bread.
It seemed like any other Saturday in any other May.
But it's not.
As I went about my day, doing the things that I normally would do on a beautiful spring Saturday, just the kind of weather I have been patiently, or not so patiently waiting for all winter, I couldn't help but think that while this SEEMED like a typical Saturday, it is far from that. So very far.
It's been almost 5 months now since Tony lost his job. I would never in a million years have imagined in my worst nightmares that he still wouldn't have a job. Well, he IS working, but it's a temporary job, no benefits, so while there is money coming in, it's just not the same. It has given me some relief, but there is still that nagging fear in the back of my mind...that fear of what is going to happen to us if he doesn't get a job soon.
Every time I find myself with a little bit of joy or happiness, as I did today, I quickly am brought back to reality...and I think "My husband doesn't have a JOB!! How can I be happy or joyous for even a moment?" Sigh.... Then a moment later, I think that I need to take whatever moments of happiness and joy I can get. Right?
This just sucks. I wanted to be able to enjoy, really enjoy, this beautiful spring day.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I’m on my porch. In my favorite Cracker Barrel rocking chair (that needs sanding and a fresh coat of paint or stain). My feet are propped up on the railing. It’s a chilly yet sunny spring day in mid May. As I sit here, I realize that lately I have had a "heightened awareness" of so many things that I’ve taken so much for granted over the years about our home that I love. This is the home that I’ve brought all but one of my children from the hospital to. This is really the only home that any of my children has known.
Sad that it’s taken us close to losing it for me to appreciate, REALLY appreciate every little thing about it. And some not so little things. I find myself thinking of these things often nowadays, and I feel compelled to write about them.
The not so little things I love first:
--my front porch. It’s always been my favorite thing about this house. When we were looking for a house, I had to have a porch, and I wouldn’t have bought a house without one. I have always loved this porch. When we first moved in and I was hugely pregnant with Justin, I put a folding lawn chair on the porch the day we moved in. I had a good excuse, my doctor told me to! I had been on bed rest, and he said I could get out of bed long enough to sit in a lawn chair and tell everyone what to do. LOL And I did…that chair wasn’t the prettiest thing, but it was somewhere for me to sit. We had no trees yet, no flowers, but I still loved my porch. And I still do.
On the first halfway warm morning of spring, I’m out there with my cup of coffee. And I am out there until the bitter end in the fall, usually in slippers, flannel pj pants, sweatshirts, and sometimes even a blanket. I always dread giving up my mornings on the porch for 4 or 5 months, and I squeeze out every last drop of enjoyment I can get before winter arrives. When the weather is nice, not only is it my place to begin the day, but it’s where I unwind with a book or magazine and a cup of tea after work. On summer evenings, I bring a lamp from the house out to the porch, maybe a glass of wine, always a book, and I can sit for hours reading by lamplight. My porch is where I spent countless hours watching my kids play in the sprinkler/learn to ride bikes/play whiffle ball/draw with sidewalk chalk/blow bubbles and more when they were small and couldn’t be outside alone. My porch is where I went in the evening when Rachel was a screaming newborn who was strangely comforted just by being outside in the fresh air.
I’ve always tried to make my porch a into a welcoming place with cushions on the rocking chairs, hanging pots overflowing with colorful flowers and potted ferns, citronella candles to keep away the mosquitos…many evenings, years ago when the kids were young and I was always on the porch, most of the neighborhood was young families like ours, and neighbors and friends out for a walk would stop by my porch for a chat and a glass of wine. Sigh…I miss those days. I don’t know if I was fully aware of how lucky I was and how grateful I should be, and I really feel sad about that now. Sad that I may have taken that all for granted.
--my sunny cheerful kitchen. Where many cookies have been baked, blobs of food have been thrown from high chairs, play doh sculptures have been created, and millions of crumbs have been swept from it’s floor. The list of special times in this kitchen would be endless if I tried to write them all. The island has been covered in everything from gooey pumpkin innards to glue and glitter and Sharpie marker to science projects to homemade cinnamon roll dough. It’s white surface has been bleached and scrubbed of stains too numerous to recall. It’s been decorated for every season and holiday…always with a season-appropriate candle in the center…pumpkin spice in the fall, pine (or something else that smells like a real live Christmas tree) in December, vanilla, cinnamon, or something comforting and homey in the winter, and something fresh and fruity in the summer. One of my favorite times of the day has always been at night when the kitchen is cleaned of the day’s messes, the dishwasher is humming away, and a candle is burning. My other favorite time of day to be in my kitchen is in the morning before anyone is awake, when the sun is coming up, the house is quiet and coffee is brewing. I have a perfect view of the sunrise from the kitchen window. Sometimes, I even take pictures of the sunrise, but probably not often enough.
Now for the little things, because they are just as important as the big things, and I seem to be noticing these little, seemingly insignificant things, even more lately. I go about the chores of running a household with a different mind frame these days. Yes, I still grumble and complain, but at the same time, I have an appreciation for them that I don’t think I have had before.
~Last Saturday morning, I was cleaning my bathroom. I had the window open even though it was too chilly for that, but I wanted fresh air in the house, chilly or not. After all, it IS spring, right? It was also quite breezy, (a nice way of saying it was cold and blustery!) and the white curtains were blowing and flapping at the window, and while I was wiping the tub and sink and toilet, I thought to myself how much I love the look (and sound) of crisp white cotton curtains blowing in the spring breeze.
~I love my porch swing on the patio under the deck. One year, I don’t remember the exact one, Tony bought me a porch swing for Mother’s Day and my birthday. Unfortunately, while I dream about a huge Southern-style verandah with room for wicker swings piled with colorful cushions, and tables and chairs, porches that you can sit out on in the windiest of thunderstorms and still play games or read…that’s not the kind of porch I have. I love it anyway, but our porch really isn’t big enough for a swing, so it hangs under the back deck. I have spent many hours in that swing, passing the time reading in the shade during the hot days of St. Louis summers while watching the kids swim. I have spent many hours in the cool evenings when I wanted a more peaceful quiet spot than my front porch to read or talk on the phone at night. I love sitting on the swing, surrounded by the flowers that are always in the flower beds around my patio and hanging from it’s rafters. Most summers, the beds around the patio are spilling over with impatiens, my favorite annual, in shades of pink and red and white.
~This morning, I was mopping my kitchen floor. Such a mundane, not fun task, especially on a humid May morning when your air conditioner isn’t running yet. I remember nearly 5 years ago when Tony took on the project of converting our builders grade (aka LOW quality) white vinyl kitchen floor that I could no longer get completely clean into a beautiful ceramic tile floor. I remember the weeks of our kitchen floor being not a floor at all, but a beautiful taupe-colored backer board that was always covered with dog hair, because it was textured and I really couldn’t sweep it. I remembered the days of the kitchen appliances residing in the dining room. I remember crawling around on my hands and knees helping Tony grout the tile. I remember taking all kinds of pictures of my kitchen once my beautiful floor was finished.
While I was mopping and sweating and remembering all of this, I was also wondering, once again, if at the time I really appreciated what I had. Sadly, I don’t think I did.
Why does it take a crisis to make you sit up and take notice of all the blessings you have?
Sad that it’s taken us close to losing it for me to appreciate, REALLY appreciate every little thing about it. And some not so little things. I find myself thinking of these things often nowadays, and I feel compelled to write about them.
The not so little things I love first:
--my front porch. It’s always been my favorite thing about this house. When we were looking for a house, I had to have a porch, and I wouldn’t have bought a house without one. I have always loved this porch. When we first moved in and I was hugely pregnant with Justin, I put a folding lawn chair on the porch the day we moved in. I had a good excuse, my doctor told me to! I had been on bed rest, and he said I could get out of bed long enough to sit in a lawn chair and tell everyone what to do. LOL And I did…that chair wasn’t the prettiest thing, but it was somewhere for me to sit. We had no trees yet, no flowers, but I still loved my porch. And I still do.
On the first halfway warm morning of spring, I’m out there with my cup of coffee. And I am out there until the bitter end in the fall, usually in slippers, flannel pj pants, sweatshirts, and sometimes even a blanket. I always dread giving up my mornings on the porch for 4 or 5 months, and I squeeze out every last drop of enjoyment I can get before winter arrives. When the weather is nice, not only is it my place to begin the day, but it’s where I unwind with a book or magazine and a cup of tea after work. On summer evenings, I bring a lamp from the house out to the porch, maybe a glass of wine, always a book, and I can sit for hours reading by lamplight. My porch is where I spent countless hours watching my kids play in the sprinkler/learn to ride bikes/play whiffle ball/draw with sidewalk chalk/blow bubbles and more when they were small and couldn’t be outside alone. My porch is where I went in the evening when Rachel was a screaming newborn who was strangely comforted just by being outside in the fresh air.
I’ve always tried to make my porch a into a welcoming place with cushions on the rocking chairs, hanging pots overflowing with colorful flowers and potted ferns, citronella candles to keep away the mosquitos…many evenings, years ago when the kids were young and I was always on the porch, most of the neighborhood was young families like ours, and neighbors and friends out for a walk would stop by my porch for a chat and a glass of wine. Sigh…I miss those days. I don’t know if I was fully aware of how lucky I was and how grateful I should be, and I really feel sad about that now. Sad that I may have taken that all for granted.
--my sunny cheerful kitchen. Where many cookies have been baked, blobs of food have been thrown from high chairs, play doh sculptures have been created, and millions of crumbs have been swept from it’s floor. The list of special times in this kitchen would be endless if I tried to write them all. The island has been covered in everything from gooey pumpkin innards to glue and glitter and Sharpie marker to science projects to homemade cinnamon roll dough. It’s white surface has been bleached and scrubbed of stains too numerous to recall. It’s been decorated for every season and holiday…always with a season-appropriate candle in the center…pumpkin spice in the fall, pine (or something else that smells like a real live Christmas tree) in December, vanilla, cinnamon, or something comforting and homey in the winter, and something fresh and fruity in the summer. One of my favorite times of the day has always been at night when the kitchen is cleaned of the day’s messes, the dishwasher is humming away, and a candle is burning. My other favorite time of day to be in my kitchen is in the morning before anyone is awake, when the sun is coming up, the house is quiet and coffee is brewing. I have a perfect view of the sunrise from the kitchen window. Sometimes, I even take pictures of the sunrise, but probably not often enough.
Now for the little things, because they are just as important as the big things, and I seem to be noticing these little, seemingly insignificant things, even more lately. I go about the chores of running a household with a different mind frame these days. Yes, I still grumble and complain, but at the same time, I have an appreciation for them that I don’t think I have had before.
~Last Saturday morning, I was cleaning my bathroom. I had the window open even though it was too chilly for that, but I wanted fresh air in the house, chilly or not. After all, it IS spring, right? It was also quite breezy, (a nice way of saying it was cold and blustery!) and the white curtains were blowing and flapping at the window, and while I was wiping the tub and sink and toilet, I thought to myself how much I love the look (and sound) of crisp white cotton curtains blowing in the spring breeze.
~I love my porch swing on the patio under the deck. One year, I don’t remember the exact one, Tony bought me a porch swing for Mother’s Day and my birthday. Unfortunately, while I dream about a huge Southern-style verandah with room for wicker swings piled with colorful cushions, and tables and chairs, porches that you can sit out on in the windiest of thunderstorms and still play games or read…that’s not the kind of porch I have. I love it anyway, but our porch really isn’t big enough for a swing, so it hangs under the back deck. I have spent many hours in that swing, passing the time reading in the shade during the hot days of St. Louis summers while watching the kids swim. I have spent many hours in the cool evenings when I wanted a more peaceful quiet spot than my front porch to read or talk on the phone at night. I love sitting on the swing, surrounded by the flowers that are always in the flower beds around my patio and hanging from it’s rafters. Most summers, the beds around the patio are spilling over with impatiens, my favorite annual, in shades of pink and red and white.
~This morning, I was mopping my kitchen floor. Such a mundane, not fun task, especially on a humid May morning when your air conditioner isn’t running yet. I remember nearly 5 years ago when Tony took on the project of converting our builders grade (aka LOW quality) white vinyl kitchen floor that I could no longer get completely clean into a beautiful ceramic tile floor. I remember the weeks of our kitchen floor being not a floor at all, but a beautiful taupe-colored backer board that was always covered with dog hair, because it was textured and I really couldn’t sweep it. I remembered the days of the kitchen appliances residing in the dining room. I remember crawling around on my hands and knees helping Tony grout the tile. I remember taking all kinds of pictures of my kitchen once my beautiful floor was finished.
While I was mopping and sweating and remembering all of this, I was also wondering, once again, if at the time I really appreciated what I had. Sadly, I don’t think I did.
Why does it take a crisis to make you sit up and take notice of all the blessings you have?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
So I finally made myself a blog!
I've been thinking about it for quite some time, but the computer illiterate gal in me was afraid to attempt such a thing. Who knows if I will ever share it with anyone, but even if I don't, it's a good way for me to get the sometimes (or usually!) crazy, scattered thoughts that are in my head...OUT of my head. I also have been thinking a blog would be a great way to chronicle this journey we've been on for the past nearly 5 months...this journey of joblessness. I wish I had started it from the beginning like I wanted to because I would have a good "record" of where we've been the past few months...the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright scary.
I couldn't even begin to recap it all in one post, but I will say, the past four months have been full of good, bad, ugly, and way too much scary, beginning with January 5, 2009...the day my husband lost his job. I'm trying to not think about or focus on the bad and the ugly and the scary, only the good. But, sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, the others get the best of me. Thankfully, have a few really amazing people in my life who keep me focused on the good things.
It is my hope that I can keep this blog focused on the good things. While I may vent and shed a few tears here, I don't want it to be a place to whine and complain.
And with that, I'm now going to go out with my son for yet another driving lesson. There is a whole 'nother thing to chronicle!
I've been thinking about it for quite some time, but the computer illiterate gal in me was afraid to attempt such a thing. Who knows if I will ever share it with anyone, but even if I don't, it's a good way for me to get the sometimes (or usually!) crazy, scattered thoughts that are in my head...OUT of my head. I also have been thinking a blog would be a great way to chronicle this journey we've been on for the past nearly 5 months...this journey of joblessness. I wish I had started it from the beginning like I wanted to because I would have a good "record" of where we've been the past few months...the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright scary.
I couldn't even begin to recap it all in one post, but I will say, the past four months have been full of good, bad, ugly, and way too much scary, beginning with January 5, 2009...the day my husband lost his job. I'm trying to not think about or focus on the bad and the ugly and the scary, only the good. But, sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, the others get the best of me. Thankfully, have a few really amazing people in my life who keep me focused on the good things.
It is my hope that I can keep this blog focused on the good things. While I may vent and shed a few tears here, I don't want it to be a place to whine and complain.
And with that, I'm now going to go out with my son for yet another driving lesson. There is a whole 'nother thing to chronicle!
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