Fingers crossed

Last night, I cried. Really cried. It wasn't the first time I've cried in the past 5 months, but it WAS the first time I really LET myself cry. Without trying to make myself stop. Always, I try to make myself stop, afraid of where I will end up if I don't.

Why did I let myself cry last night?

It was a long night. I did chat, and while it was a good chat, I was in the chatroom until 11. I was on the couch, laptop on my lap, falling asleep, that's how long I was in there. 3 hours. I finally told everyone I had to leave. I was exhausted, and Brandon was getting off work at 1:30. AM. I needed to sleep for a few hours before I had to go pick him up. I was afraid to go to bed, because I was afraid I wouldn't get up. So Tony said he would set the alarm, I was going to fall asleep on the couch, and he would come downstairs and wake me when the alarm went off.

So I settled in on the couch with a quilt, and Tony went out to his car because he remembered he left his cell phone in it. He wanted to keep his phone by the bed in case Brandon called to tell us he got off early. I was keeping the house phone on the table next to the couch for the same reason.

So to the reason why I cried last night...

He came in the family room, where I was comfy on the couch, falling asleep, and said, "I need to call in the morning to confirm the time, but the zoo called and wants me to come for a second interview Thursday morning." Then he went up to bed.

And I lay there on the couch, crying...crying out all of the pent up, held back tears of the past five months. The tears of frustration. The tears of fear. I know it's only a second interview, there are two others in the running besides Tony, he's had second interviews before that amounted to nothing, but there I lay on my couch, crying, pleading with God to PLEASE let this be the job he gets. PLEASE. It's not just "A", any old job...it's a job that is perfect for him, he is excited about the thought of working there...and, he needs a job. That's what it all comes down to, HE. NEEDS. A. JOB. We need for him to have a job.

So, tomorrow morning at 9:30, he has the interview. Not really an interview in the normal sense...he has to go in and meet all of the people who will be working for him if he gets the job. I guess the purpose of this is to see how compatible he is with those he would supervise. He has said several times the person who interviewed him really seems to like him. We've had our hopes up so many times the past few months, though.

But I really hope this is it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is. I don't know if I will be able to take it if he doesn't get this job.

I still have such a hard time believing sometimes that this is our life...that Tony has been unemployed for 5 months. That WE have become part of the statistics everyone reads about and hears about.

How did this happen? And how will this end?